Page 98 of Knights Game

I wince as I shift, every movement making it feel like the skin on my back is going to rip.

“Are you okay, do you need any pills, because watching you hurt is killing me.”

“No, no I’m okay. I promise, I’m used to it.”

She bows her head sadly, and a pang of shame washes through me. “No, please don’t think I’m shaking my head at you babe. Sorry. That was so insensitive of me. We’ll come onto that, but I think you’re jealous of something between Isla and Luca that may have only happened once. You have no idea what he was thinking when he watched her.”

“I fucked up.”

“No, babe, you didn’t fuck up. He fucked up. But you need to talk to him and try to understand why. Why let your mind spiral when this could all be sorted with a conversation?” Katy asks.

“You're right. I need to talk to him. But I want some normality. No, I need some normality. It’s been intense. I want to see Grandad. I want to go to the cemetery.”

I crawl to grab the diamante clutch bag off the floor. I hiss as my body screams at the awkward angle.

“Can you do me a favour?” I ask as I grab my bag, and the aloe vera lotion.

“Of course.”

“Can you rub this on my back, it's difficult to reach and it helps.”

She nods, and she helps me lift my T-shirt, the coldness of the air and the heat of the skin making goosebumps and a wave of pain tingle through me.

Her soft hands gently rub the soothing lotion into my back, and I hum my thanks.

“I have questions.” She asks softly. “Do you mind if I ask you, we don’t have to talk about this of course. But I just want to understand? I feel like the worst possible friend ever that I never knew you did this, and that you couldn’t come to me.”

“No. God no, Katy.” I look over my shoulder, her eyes full of hurt and sympathy. “This is just, it’s just something I’ve done since my parents died and I came out of hospital. This has absolutely nothing to do with you being a good friend. You are an amazing friend; I am so unbelievably grateful for everything you do for me.”

A moment passes, “Okay, you're all good.” She says quietly, before I carefully move back against the cushions.

“For the record, I’m not proud of it, it’s just something that I feel like I need to do at times.”

“Do you want to, you know…”

I look at her waiting for her to continue, but she just nods her head, eyes widening.

“You know.”

“Kill myself?” I reply expressionless. “No. It’s not about that. I do it to ground myself, I do it to feel in control.” I fidget with the duvet that I’ve pulled onto myself, not sure how I can explain this without sounding like I’ve got some major problems. “When I was at my worst, I just found that causing pain soothed me. I know how fucked up that sounds,” I say, wringing my hands together. “But being able to control how much pain I felt, wheneverything else was such a mess. I dunno.” I shrug. “It just helped. It had been ages since I felt the need to do it, if that’s any consolation.”

“Not when I know you’ve done it more than once since meeting him.”

“Like I said, I do it when I don’t feel in control.”

“Hmm. Can I want to kill him for making you feel like you have no control? Because I do Layla. I want to hurt him.”

“It’s the whole situation, Luca isn’t entirely to blame, he’s been the first person I’ve felt comfortable enough to tell. And no, that doesn’t give you an excuse to say you’re a bad friend again.”

She grabs her mug of tea and takes a sip, and I shut my eyes for a minute.

“So, what does taking control look like then, if it’s not hurting yourself?”

I rummage in the clutch bag I picked up from the floor to find the small card that Luca gave me and pass it over to Katy.

“That is a lawyer, Luca has arranged a meeting, and I need to request that the village pull everything out of storage that Grandad has. They will review all the information left by my parents to see whether anything was missed,” I explain. “That reminds me, will you help me pull everything I have together? I want to go through all the files first and see what’s worth including and what isn’t. I don’t think they need all the information I have.”

“Of course.” She smiles tightly.

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