Page 58 of Falling for Grace

Oh, my shoe! Isn’t my shoe lovely?

I’ve witnessed many arguments growing up, but I don’t want to see this, not today.

“She’s my girlfriend, Mum, she’s here to support me. She’s here because I asked her to be here.”

“And what about Grace?”

My eyebrows shoot up into my hairline. “What about me?”

“Enough,” Ted said tersely. “We don’t need to be having this conversation right now.”

I grab hold of Brandon’s arm…hard, my nails digging in. Silence surrounds us, all the guests immediately go quiet. He takes my hand and slowly undoes my death grip and takes it in his hand instead.

The shiny black car pulls around the small roundabout and stops in front of us. Drawing in a shuddering breath I watch two men dressed impeccably step out and walk to the back of the hearse, opening the double doors.

The coffin was oak with a simple gold plaque and a flower arrangement of lilies and white roses on top. It’s beautiful and is something Danny would have chosen himself, modern, not too poncy and overstated. He would have detested anything flamboyant.

I stand still and silent with Sue as Ted and Brandon hoist Danny up, resting the coffin on their shoulders with the men from the car. Brandon chews on his lip, avoiding eye contact with anyone, staring straight ahead.

They move with small steps into the chapel while an acoustic version of Wish You Were Here by Incubus plays softly in the background. I follow the coffin in, holding his mother’s hand, which feels so tiny, and I find myself wondering whether Danny would approve of everything. The music, the coffin, the flowers, my outfit.

Would it be what he expected, what he wanted?

We take our seats in the front pew and watch as Danny is lowered onto a table at the front.

Red curtains surround it, when it’s time the red curtains will close, and that would be it, that would be the last time we would see Danny.

Sue is shaking and I continue to hold her hand until Ted had seated himself next to her, only once he is settled do I let go.

Brandon is staring at the coffin and I move out into the aisle so that he can sit on the other side of his mother.

Guests pile in, taking their seats, and I realise in that moment just how far I’ve come.

“You okay?” I hadn’t heard Brandon approach and I realise I had been staring absently at the door, lost in thought.

“Yeah,” I reply. He takes his seat, placing his mother’s hand in his, which she brings to her lips. I follow in and try and get comfy in the wooden bench, coldness seeping in, through my feet, into my hands, under my skin, chilling me to the bone.

The music dies down and the priest stands at the front, he starts talking but I’m not listening. Words are filtering over me but they have no meaning, not when I feel like I have lost a part of me. Sue sobs softly next to me. Brandon looks conflicted, Ted has silent tears running down his face, and I feel…empty.

Numb.

“And now, before our first piece of music, the Holders would like to invite Grace to the front to say a few words.”

I knew this was coming, but as soon as the priest has said my name my heart rate picks up, fear uncoiling in my belly. I look up at Brandon who places a reassuring kiss on my forehead.

That kiss, that gesture, it means so much to me, and yet he keeps just giving them away like they are nothing.

I step up on wobbly legs, eyes following me, causing my spine to tingle as I walk to the front. I pull out the piece of paper that I had folded neatly into my pocket.

I was sweating, but I was cold.

I take a deep breath.

This is for Danny.

“I hadn’t really prepared for this morning. Danny and I, we always left things to the last minute, and I admit I did the same with this eulogy. Before I start, I just want to say that-” pausing I look over at Sue and Ted who are huddled together, “I feel eternally honoured that I was asked to do this. Thank you.”

I place my hand on my chest.

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