Page 17 of Falling for Grace

“Don’t, Brandon.” I shut my eyes tight. “You made your decision five years ago and you left me behind. Has anything changed for you?” When I open them again he’s leaning back looking at the stars, deep in thought. It’s an unfair question to ask him, almost selfish of me to do so, his career has always come first. The drive he has, but that comes with a cost, and unfortunately for me, I was it.

“I think there will always be a part of me that loves you,” he says, finally looking over at me.

I nod, and I can’t help the tears that bite at my eyes because I know exactly how he feels.

“Sometimes I wish you never made that decision.” His eyes bore into mine as my words fill the silence between us. “I wish that you didn’t give up on me so easily, and that I fought for you. I was 19 years old Brandon, and I was spiralling.”

I smile and let the tears track down onto my cheeks. He moves his body so he is next to me on the sun lounger, pulling me to him so that my head is resting on his chest.

“LA would drive you mad Grace.” His voice making his chest vibrate. “You thought London was bad, and I had barely made it. LA is worse. Don’t you see that the decision I made was to protect you, I wasn’t going to be the reason for you to completely lose yourself with a move to the other side of the world. You needed to be here with your Mum. You had just lost your Dad. Regardless of how complicated a relationship you had, he was still your Dad, and you still needed to mourn for him. Coming with me, you would have bottled it up, you wouldn’t have dealt with it.”

“I get it.” I reply flatly, as even now looking back I understand the decision even if it does sodding hurt. “But that doesn’t stop me asking the ‘What if’s?’ What if he hadn’t died, what if I had handled it differently. But you were right, you have worked so hard to get to where you are, and I would hold you back.”

He watches me but says nothing for a while.

“You were never really willing to give us a try. That’s what makes me sad, Brandon. You gave up on us before we even got going.” I barely whisper. “And I think that’s what makes me sad now, it’s been five years, and still your convinced I’ll hold you back, even though I’ve changed.”

“Come on Grace, I don’t think that.” I lift my head off his chest and look up at him.

“You don’t? Nothing’s changed for you Brandon, this arrangement is all you want from me, a fuck when you’re in town, and then you leave me behind. Time and time again.” There’s a slight edge to my tone. “Don’t you see though, every-time you do that, you give me a glimmer of what I’m missing, every year I count down to the time I see you, each week I’d be desperate for some sort of contact, text or call. I can’t live like this anymore. Tonight Brandon this ends.” His eyes shine with the reflection of the moonlight. “I wish things were different,” I shrug, “but there not.”

Brandon doesn’t respond, there isn’t anything to say, this is old ground we have been over before. So instead we lie there for a long time. My head is on his chest and I listen to the steady heartbeat of Brandon. I will remember this moment for a long time, if not forever—me, under the stars with Brandon Holder. Not the next Hollywood heartthrob, no—it’s me, under the stars with Brandon Holder, my childhood friend, my first ever boyfriend, and the man that has forever stolen my heart. That Brandon Holder.

Chapter 6

Okay. Breathe.

Fuck. Fuckity-fuck.

How could I have been so stupid?

No, scrap that. How couldwehave been so stupid?

But that’s us all over.

Stupid.

All coherent thoughts escape our minds and it’s just us in the moment. And the one thing that we shouldn’t have let escape our minds:a condom.

Damn us and our stupid bubble.

I want to punt-kick myself in the fanny.

Seriously.

Kick myself all round this stupid bedroom.

My shitstorm of a bedroom.

I walk over to the chest of drawers and pick up the evil bastard stick and stare at the digital display once more. Hoping, praying, that it’s changed to negative.

Maybe I peed on it wrong.

Maybe it’s an error. I do break a lot of electrical things.

But nope.

Wishful thinking.

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