Page 59 of Falling for Grace

“When we were younger Danny and I, we would write these stupid letters to each other. About anything and everything, and Sue,” I smile, “she found this box that Danny had kept all these years of the shit we used to send. Oh crap, sorry.”

Fuck my life.

The room lets out a small chuckle. I pause, swallowing past my embarrassment and look back down to the words on the pieces of paper. “So it felt only right that I write a letter to Danny, he wouldn’t want the standard ‘this is your life’ eulogy. You know Danny, not one for following tradition so neither will I.” I clear my throat and take a deep breath. The piece of paper shaking in my hands as nerves and emotion hit me.

“My Dearest Danny,

I haven’t written to you in a while! And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been there. I’m sorry we drifted apart, I’m sorry for the argument, for the hurtful things I said to you. I told you that I hated you, but what I should have said was that you hurt me. I can’t tell you that now, and I’m sorry. But with this apology, I have to tell you…I’m angry. So angry at you. I wish I understood why you did it.”

I take a moment and pull myself together. Brandon shuffles slightly in his chair and I shake my head.

“I never thought I’d be standing here. You know me, I’m not one for public speaking.”

I smile over at the coffin.

“But here I am. I came as soon as your mum called. I hesitated for a second questioning whether I should, but who was I kidding? I was already planning what to pack before the decision had been made. I’ve missed you, I mean, I miss you.”

Tears prickle at my eyes, causing the words on the paper to blur and I blink to try to make them out.

“I feel like a part of me is missing. It sounds ridiculous when actually we haven’t spoken properly for three years….not since…”

I hesitate.

“I counted every day. But, knowing you were happy and healthy was enough. But now you’re gone and I question were you were truly happy? You couldn’t have been, otherwise, why would you have chosen to….. Now it’s too late, and I’m just left with so many regrets. I know what you would say to that. ‘Life’s too short for regrets, there are no such things as regrets, only life lessons’ and I’d tell you that you sound just like my mother. Do you know what my life lesson is, it’s don’t dwell on the past. As I look around the room at people I haven’t seen for years, some close to a decade. I wonder how many of you have family members or friends you’ve fallen out with over the years. Some of you over stupid meaningless things, like money, wills, family feuds over un-important things. Or maybe over not-so-stupid things…”

I look out at Brandon, but he’s staring at the floor.

“Make your peace. Otherwise, you’ll be standing here like me, full of regrets.”

I look down at the piece of paper, which was now covered with water smudges from my tears.

“I grew up with you, Danny. You were a part of me.”

I pause to take in the room.

“We went everywhere together, did everything together.You knew me better than I knew myself and I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself all over again.”

I look over at the coffin again and my knees almost give out at the thought of him lying inside it.

“I’m never going to see your face again, I’m never going to meet your children or your husband. Why didn’t I extend the olive branch? I love you forever, Danny, and may the next life bring you the peace that this life couldn’t.”

I walk over to the coffin and place the folded piece of paper on top.

Tears explode out of me, pain replacing the numbness and my legs all but buckle underneath me. But I don’t fall, because Brandon is beside me and holds me up. He wraps his strong arm around me and I turn into him, my face burying against his chest. A sob breaks from my throat and I completely forget that I’m standing at the front of a chapel with all eyes on me.

At that moment the Greenday song comes on and I have to grip hold of Brandon. “I knew this song would ruin me,” I say through shuddering breaths.

“Me, too.” I look up to see that tears have escaped those beautiful eyes, and are running down his face. He walks me back to our row as we both cry. Sue and Ted stand up and hug me, and before I know it Brandon has joined us.

It is a moment that’s just for us four, but it’s a moment we share with all the friends and family. It’s a special moment and it’s a moment I acknowledge that no matter where we go from here, I will always have this extended family.

Chapter 22

The funeral is over and everyone is now filing out to “Mr Brightside” by The Killers.

Alittle giggle escapes me, and it feels wrong.

Brandon turns around. I’m still sitting, letting everyone else leave first. He raises his eyebrow at me and I look up and smile, wiping away my tears.

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