Page 48 of Falling for Grace

How can I possibly move on without knowing why?

“He must have felt so hopeless,” I say, my voice cracking. Brandon sits up. He reaches over and grabs my hand, pulling me into his chest and wrapping an arm around my waist. His strong hand rubs up and down my spine.

How is he holding it together? How is he not a mess like me?

For me it’s becoming clear that grief is a bit like the ocean, coming in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes it’s stormy and turbulent, and overwhelming. At other times it’s calm.

And all I can do is learn to swim.

Chapter 18

We didn’t say much after that conversation. I suggested that Bandon go back to his house. He knew I was excusing him, but he also knew that he needed to get back. He wanted me to join him, but I chose to remain at the hotel. It was best for him to see his parents for the first time without me. We said our goodbyes, and he kissed my forehead. My stomach flipped in response.

I knew that his own heartache waited for him at number 5. This trip would likely break Brandon, and I was going to help do it. I promised to take the twenty-minute walk to their house later that night.

I’ve spent the last hour unpacking my belongings, trying to make the shitty hotel room feel a little less bare and a little more Gracie chaotic, while replaying the final words he said over and over in my head.

“I don’t know what happened to you, Gracie, but I can see in your eyes that you’ve changed. It could be because of Danny, but there’s so much more. But even now, you still take my breath away, you wake up every morning to fight whatever has left you so exhausted, that’s bravery. I just wish Danny had been as strong as you are.”

I hate that even after three years he still knows me so well, that he can see the thing that I do everything in my power to hide. He sees straight through the mask.

My phone buzzes and I pick it up. There’s a message from Theresa.

Haven’t heard from you, how’s it going. T xxx

I check the time. It’s coming up to 7 p.m. in England, which means it’s about 1 in Houston.

Are you at lunch? I’m going to call. Xx

I grab my bag and jacket and close the hotel room door behind me, jiggling the handle to make sure it’s locked. I send another quick message to Brandon to tell him I’m just leaving the hotel room and that I’ll be there in 20 minutes

Let me just escape my office.

Holy shit balls you went to work? ;-P

Hardy har, call me now.

I open the double doors to the outside, the fresh air overwhelming my senses, as does the sound of traffic. I hold the phone to my ear; it’s barely ringing before Theresa answers.

“How are you?” she asks immediately. I can hear her moving about thousands of miles away.

“You're on the toilet, aren’t you?” I say, looking both ways before crossing the road. I begin navigating past the station and the commuters trudging home after a day in the city.

“Yes, I’m in the toilet, but it’s fine. I’m just going for a quick wee. Figured I’d multi-task. How was it seeing his family?”

I can hear her wee. Trust Theresa to be having a serious conversation while on the toilet. “Heart-breaking,” I reply on a sigh, stepping over the uneven surface where a tree root has taken hold, nature fighting against humanity. The trees pepper the pavement, their branches casting eerie shadows over the path in front of me. “But I’m so glad I’ve come. I think it will help his family, me being here.”

“Completely, you were so close, right?”

I nod. She can’t see me, but I still nod.

“Have you seen him?” she probes.

Him.

“Yeah.” I puff out a breath. “I picked him up from the airport. There were cameras everywhere. I hadn’t really thought that through before I offered. Shit. That reminds me, can you do me a favour and just google him and see whether there are any pictures of us? We got caught outside the terminal. I don’t know how he lives like that.” I trip over one of the roots. “Ouch. It was like we were animals in a zoo.”

“Sure, I mean, I won’t do it now, as I don’t think even my multitasking can stretch to that level.” I can hear her moving about again. “When’s the funeral?”

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