Page 47 of Heartless

“If I know you so damn well after all these years, even with you doing your best to not be a part of my life, then what’s your excuse for not knowing me at all?” The words come out quiet and jumbled, and it’s so hard not to cry. This is far from the first time she’s let me down or run off from me, butGod,it hurts every single time it happens.

The silence in the room is the definition of deafening. She doesn’t look up from her phone, her eyes unfocused as she stares at the screen. It’s the first time I’ve ever brought up the giant elephant that sits in every room we're in; moving with us no matter the location.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Mom murmurs finally, picking up her suitcase and taking it to the door. “Would you grab the smaller one for me?”

“No.” I don’t move from my spot near the door. “No, because I’m tired of helping you walk out of my life. I’m tired of?—”

“You’re an adult, Winnifred.” Her voice is brittle and flat, cracking along the ends of words. She’s never spoken to Lou likethis. She’s been mad at her, sure. They butt heads a lot. But she’s never sounded so…disinterested.

Socold.

“You don’t need me to be here with you all the time. I’m done raising you, and you can take care of yourself.” She strides out of the room with me on her heels, finally spurred into motion.

“First of all, you didn’t raise me. YouletDad hurt me.” I don’t know why I’m doing this now, but the words just won’t stay bottled up. “That’s not raising me. You put me in a position where I had to defend myself,and I did.You know, for a while I thought that you just couldn’t handle the fact that you didn’t help me. I thought you felt guilty.”

I follow her back up the stairs, standing on the landing as she collects her other bag.

“But we both know that’s not true, huh? And ever since then, you’ve worked as hard as you can to get away from me as often as you can. You know I can hear it when you and Lou get into fights about me, right?”

My mom stands on the landing a few feet from me, but she’s never seemed more distant. Not since the first time she looked at me with this cold, detached air while I was in the mental hospital, right before she walked away.

“You just don’t understand.” Mom sighs, rubbing a hand over her face. “Things are complicated, Winnie. You can’t understand?—”

“If I don’t understand, it’s because you won’t let me understand.” My hands curl, nails digging into my palms. “I just…” Fuck, I’m going to cry. I can feel the heat behind my eyes burning, pressing, as I widen my eyes to hold the tears at bay.

“I just want you to love me.”

“We’ll talk about this when I get back.” Her words sting, hurt,acheas they twist in my chest, and I fall silent, at a loss. “I’ll text you from San Francisco. I’ll let you know my schedule.” Whenshe looks up, her bright, fake smile is back on her face. I realize quickly she’s going to pretend none of this has ever happened.

It’s what she’s best at, after all.

“I’ll pick you up something nice, okay? Maybe a necklace to go with the bracelet I got you last time?” She walks down the stairs and keeps talking, having a one sided conversation as I juststand there. “See you soon, Winnie! Hold down the fort for me.” She turns, giving me one last bright smile before she picks up her other suitcase, and closes the door behind her with a soft, but final,slam.

“Guess I’m alone again,” I murmur, eyes fixed on the door. “Just like always.”

Suddenly, arms slide around my waist, yanking me back against a taller, solid form behind me. “Oh, sweetheart.” Cass buries his face in my hair with a sigh. “You’re not alone.” His grip tightens possessively, and I realize a normal person would be unnerved by the possessiveness in Cass’s hold and in his voice.

“I’ll never leave you alone again, Winnie. You’re mine forever.”

I should protest. I should tell that he’s moving too fast for me, that we have so much to discuss before I agree to anything past whatever we are currently.

But I don’t do what Ishould.Instead, I turn in his hold, throw my arms over his shoulders, and bury my face in his shirt so he can’t see me cry.

Chapter

Twenty

The television is as loud as usual, but right now it doesn’t completely drown out the arguing. Even with my eyes glued to it and my knees drawn up to my chest, I can hear Carissa yelling upstairs, probably at Cass.

She’s always yelling at Cass.

This time, instead of ignoring it, I get to my feet quietly, my socks giving me stealth on the carpet as I creep up the stairs. Carissa’s room is the first one at the top of the landing, and her door is half open, which is probably why I can hear her this time.

Though, it’s not the first time I’ve heard her yelling at him.

When I peek around the frame, I see Cass sitting on her bed, his legs hanging off the side and his hands folded in his lap. He’s not speaking, even as she yells at him, and the words reverberate in my ears.

But I can’t understand them. They sound like warbled, muddled garbage to me as I look at Cass, whose eyes are lowered and his chin tucked as if to protect himself. He’s tense all over, looking like a rabbit about to spring up, and I can tell he’s forcing himself to sit there instead of running away.

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