Page 140 of The Shadow Wand

I glance down at myself and jolt fully awake, mortified to realize I’m completely naked. I jerk the sheet that’s haphazardly wrapped around me up over my breasts.

This is all wrongis my first thought.This isn’t what this is supposed to be.The uneasy remembrance slams down that we’ve never even told each otherI love you.

My pulse quickens as my emotions churn.

Lukas is all business. He looks to be thinking hard on something as he grabs his tunic and throws it on, then leans to write something on a list he’s started on the side table. His eyes flick toward me every now and then, his expression unreadable.

Emptiness drops through my center, hollowing me out. I lie there, motionless, my messy nakedness jarring in contrast to his cold, crisp efficiency.

This was a mistake. A terrible mistake.

And even worse, I enjoyed it.

Remorse whips through me, along with the certainty that something precious has been lost to me forever. I run my fingers back to clutch at my tangled hair.

I was supposed to experience this with Yvan. Instead I threw it away on a man who might care for me and respect me, but who’s never once said he’s in love with me.

For escape.

My rational mind is clear that Lukas and I didn’t do this on a whim. That we’ve allied ourselves as true friends to escape from Gardneria and fight for everything that’s good in the world. But I’m unable to escape the fierce tide of grief and emotion as it captures me in its undertow.

There will be no sweet discovering of this with Yvan, everything new and fresh to both of us. No holding me afterward and whispering endearments. It’s lost forever. That first time with someone who truly loves me.

I ball up in the bed, chilled by my nudity, close my eyes, and struggle not to cry.

I want my uncle back. I want to tell him that everything has gone wrong and is spinning out of control. That he was right to shelter me. And I don’t know what to do, because I’m being faced with impossible choices. I want to talk to him and have him comfort me.

I want to go home.

Lukas has gone very still. I can’t hear him moving at all.

But I can feel his gaze on me.

I brace myself, remembering how unsympathetic Lukas was when I was attacked by Icarals in Valgard. How he snarled at me that I had to be tough. I feel like I’ll hate him with an unstoppable fury if he tells me that right now.

“Elloren.” His voice is softer than usual when it comes.

I open my tear-blurred eyes to find him standing before me by the edge of the bed, holding his hand out to me.

“I can’t get up,” I tell him roughly. “I’m naked.” Regret rips through me. I close my eyes tight, trying to block everything out.

What have I done? Why did I decide to do this?

To save your own life, a quiet part of my mind reminds me.And to fight to save countless others.

I hear his body shift.

“Elloren.” He’s close to me now.

I open my eyes to find him kneeling down almost to my eye level.

His gaze is steady on me. “After I’ve gotten you to safety, Iwillcourt you properly.”

I want to laugh at the sheer impossibility of his offer.

Safety?

The word breaks through my misery, our impossible situation rushing in. There is no safety for me. Only unspeakable, terrible danger. People who hate me. People who want to kill me and watch me suffer.

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