Page 57 of The Art of You

After opening up for Constantine, I did my best not to act like he was my motherabout to clear the room to ensure it was only me in there. Thinking back to my past, my father never would’ve given a damn if I had a girl in my room. The only wisdom he ever imparted was to always wrap it up. Surprised that wasn’t part of his campaign slogans with the number of times he’d probably had to follow his own advice.

“Alessandro told me about Alfie.” Constantine’s statement jarred me free of the past, reminding me of two things: he was in my bedroom, and so was his little sister. “You okay?” He set his back to the wall by the door and locked his arms over his chest.

I closed my eyes, taking a minute. Taking the sixty seconds Bella had offered me in a much different way. To pull myself together before opening up.

“I’m struggling to believe Alfie could be behind any of this,” I finally said, opening my eyes to acknowledge what I hoped was the truth. “It’s not who he is. But after Kit’s story today, it’s hard for me to deny it was him at the party. I saw what I saw.”Him.“He was a good guy. I should’ve reached out over the years, but I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me. Maybe if I had, he wouldn’t have gone down whatever this path is that he may be on now.” I wasn’t ready to fully convict Alfie. Not that I knew what he was guilty of yet.

“I think we should follow up on the whereabouts of everyone on your team from that last op. See where they are and what they’re up to.” He casually glanced at the bathroom door before swinging his attention my way.

“It’s a short list.” My hands tightened into fists at my sides as I thought back to that day. “Only a few of us are stillalive.”

Constantine dropped his head. “I know one SEAL on Echo lost their life that day. And two were severely injured. And your team leader, Matthew Shaker, died of an overdose two years after he left the Navy.” The information he was sharing was about as close to my heart as it could get. “You went to his funeral, and you wouldn’t let me come with you,” he added after the recap of my hell.

I had no idea if he was looking at me again, because I couldn’t rip my eyes from the floor, but I nodded. That was also my cue to him to keep going. The less I had to say, the better.

“I thought your team was on a routine training exercise outside the wire, and their Humvee rolled right over an IED.” There it was. The lie I’d been living with for fifteen years. “I’ll never forget the moment I learned it was your team. I thought we’d lost you.” His accent slipped through deeper that time. “When I found out you weren’t with them that day . . .”

The man was a hard-ass, but he had another side he rarely showed. I didn’t deserve sympathy, though. I didn’t deserve a damn thing.

“I wasn’t on the mission, no.” I tensed up all over again thinking back to that day fifteen years ago.

The burns that destroyed half my brother’s body. The blast that took another brother’s arm. The sniper that killed Devon, the new guy who’d taken my spot. The damage a blast had done to Matt, both physically and mentally, getting him addicted to pain pills afterward. And so on, and so on.

“Mission.” He announced the word like it was reinforced with steel. “Not a training exercise, then. There was a cover-up.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” This was the conversation I’d been on the verge of having with Bella, and now she was still hearing it, but through a door.

“The question I don’t want to ask, but now I need to is?—”

“You don’t have to. I’ll tell you,” I cut him off, saving him the trouble. I looked up and over at the bathroom door, practically confessing we weren’t alone. “I chose not to join Echo on that mission. Defied orders, in fact. I stayed behind.” I set my hand on my chest while pivoting back to him. “I should’ve died that day instead of that kid fresh out of Sniper School. Or, at least, maybe if I’d been there as Matt wanted me to be, I could’ve helped somehow.” My eyes burned as I resisted and fought the emotion trying to unleash in the form of tears. “The CIA intel was dead wrong. The orders from Command to spin up came from suits in Washington, sitting on their asses and pushing for a victory. Echo should never have been on that mission.”

I let each fragmented thought of classified information hang in the air.

“But nothing will change the fact that it was my team out there who got butchered without me. I thought staying behind was the right thing to do. I was trying to protect them. I’d just found out my mother was going to die. I was worried my head was off and I’d make a bad judgment call and get someone killed.” I’d been wrong. So, so fucking wrong. “I didn’t know they were going into an ambush. They needed me, and I wasn’t there for them. So yeah, I’m sure they hate me for not being there. Blame me for staying back.” How could they not, Alfie included?

Constantine quietly stared at me, probably unsure what to say.

“You know what’s really fucked up? They tried to give me the Navy Cross.” I slammed my hand over my heart as if the medal was pinned there now, and I was itching to rip it off. “I refused it.” Like hell did I deserve that. “I showed up too late with the QRF team. All I did was help get everyone out.”

Guilt about took me to my knees, but Constantine caughtme before I hit the ground. The man never let anyone fall, not even when they may have deserved it.

Once I was steady on my feet, he threw his arm around me, hugging me like a father would a son. “You made the right choice.”

Like hell I did.

I straightened and stepped back, tearing a hand through my hair.

“You put your brothers first by staying back,” he reassured me. “Their blood isnoton your hands.” He pointed at my chest. “It’s on the Taliban’s and on those who pushed for an op that shouldn’t have been greenlit in the first place.” He’d make one hell of a father, and had he stayed in the Navy, one hell of an admiral one day.

He cupped his mouth, eyes flicking to the bathroom door again.

Oh, he for sure knew she was there.

“My saying this won’t change how you feel. I get that. Being spared when your brothers are lost is a fate worse than death.” He faced me again. “But you did the right thing.”

“Echo Team was my family, and our family was ripped apart that day. If I didn’t have my mother and you all to come home to, I don’t know that I wouldn’t have gone down the same dark path Matt did.”

Matt wouldn’t let me help him. I tried. Really hard. But he wanted nothing to do with me. With anyone, for that matter.

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