Page 115 of Curveball

He nods, and they step out. I hear him say, “It’s okay. Let’s find a doctor. We don’t know anything,” before his voice fades away.

With shaky hands and a rapidly beating heart, I walkover to Ripley. She’s so pale. I take her hand in mine. It’s not soft and warm like always. It’s cold. So damn cold.

Tears start streaming down my cheeks as I fall to my knees at her bedside. I kiss her hand over and over. “I’m so sorry I did this to you. I should have been here for you. For our baby. I’m a terrible husband and an even worse man. Please come back to me. I promise to do better.”

Nothing. Just stillness.

A sob breaks free from my mouth. I cry in a way I don’t think I knew I was capable of. For several minutes, I hold her hand to my face and let go. The pain running through me is so palpable that for a brief moment I think I’m having a heart attack. I can barely breathe. Do I even want to exist in a world without this woman?

Looking at her peaceful face, I know without a doubt that I’ve loved her as long as she’s loved me, I just never fully admitted it to myself. On my knees on the floor of Ripley’s hospital room, I make a million promises to God that I will be everything she needs if He brings her back to me.

I gently move the stray strands of her hair away from her face. “You’re so special to me. I know I never told you, but I want to tell you now. I…I love you. So damn much.”

I kiss the corner of her mouth, unable to reach her full lips because of the tube. I croak out, “Please come back to me so we can have a million more kisses. Your lips are the only lips I’ve ever wanted on mine. I can’t live without them. Without you.” My shoulders shake. “I can’t do this without you.”

I look at Ripley’s stomach. There’s no evidence of a baby in her body. I know what that must mean. The sense of loss is overwhelming and unbearable. The feelings of guilt threaten to irrevocably break me.

“I failed our daughter. I need you though. Please, Shortcake.” I start sobbing again. “Please don’t leave me too. I’ll give you a million babies if that’s what you want. Anything. Just come back to me.”

Nothing. I see no signs of her hearing me or anything resembling her being conscious.

I sit there for what seems like hours, kissing her hand, her arm, her face. It doesn’t feel like her. I miss my Ripley.MyRipley. Why wasn’t I here for her?

I have no sense of time, but at some point, Arizona and Layton re-enter the room. I look up with a tear-stained face, noticing a middle-aged woman in a white coat trailing behind them. The woman gives me a somber smile. “Mr. Abbott, I’m Dr. Berger. I operated on your…wife? Ms. St. James is your wife, correct?”

I nod and manage, “Yes. What happened?” I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to face this. When I reopen them, I ask, “Is…is she going to be okay?”

She presses her lips tightly together. “Ms. St. James suffered from a pretty extreme case of pre-eclampsia. Among the worst I’ve seen. It’s a serious blood pressure condition. It can be caused by a variety of things. Considering the information I was given by her mother, my best guess is that it was caused by the severe amount of stress suffered by Ms. St. James throughout her pregnancy.”

She says it in a highly judgmental tone. One I completely deserve.

She continues, “It impacted her organs. Her heart, liver, and kidneys were temporarily not operating as they should be. She also lost a lot of blood in her emergency delivery. We had to give her a transfusion. Several transfusions.”

Arizona is practically hyperventilating as I hang my head, fearful of what the doctor will say next.

“She’s in a medically induced coma to allow her body time to heal from what it went through. If her numbers climb, we should be able to bring her out of it in two or three days.”

I swallow. “Is she going to be okay? Please just tell me that.”

“I believe so. Her recovery will be slow. She lost a lot of blood, and her body sustained serious trauma. Apparently, she’s been suffering headaches and extreme fatigue for a few weeks now but didn’t consult her healthcare provider. She should have done so. I think she assumed it was due to a bit of depression she was apparently suffering from.”

Trying to put my shame to the side for now, I let out a breath of relief at her prognosis and pledge to myself to do whatever it takes to nurse her back to health. To be here for her like I should have been this whole time. I spent my entire life vowing to never be the absentee person my parents were, and that’s exactly what I became. I’m disgusted with myself.

“Thank you. I’d like to be alone with my wife now.”

She tilts her head to the side and pinches her eyebrows together. “Don’t you want to know about your daughter?”

Tears spill out of my eyes. I know what she’s going to say. I don’t know that I can bear to hear it.

Arizona walks over to me and takes my hand. She knows too.

“We had to perform an emergency C-Section. She wasn’t fully developed yet.”

I squeeze Arizona’s hand, bracing myself for what she’s going to say next.

“It was touch and go for the first few hours, but she’s a fighter. She’s much bigger than most babies would be at only thirty-two weeks gestation. You and your wife being bigger than average is likely responsible for that.” Dr. Berger’s lips turn up slightly. “She still has a bit of an uphill battle, and she’ll certainly need to spend the next few weeks in our NICU, but she’s breathing shockingly well. I’m optimistic.”

My mouth opens and closes a few times, words escaping me. Another sob escapes Arizona’s lips.

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