Page 91 of Fight

My head bobs in understanding. It’s all I can do to keep from falling apart. Maybe I should have waited until we were both ready, at least then I wouldn’t know what I was giving up. “After that year, we are going to file for divorce,” I say, my voice shaking at the end.

He drops his gaze to his lap. He must have known it was coming, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t any less painful to say aloud. A minute of silence passes between us.

“I promise, Jonathan, there is happiness beyond where we came from.” My hand covers his. “You and I both know this isn’t the life we imagined for ourselves. The Fold doesn’t get to decide who we love. The reason we didn’t work out isn’t because we didn’t pray loud enough. It wasn’t because we didn’t dedicate enough of our time to God or spread enough of the gospel. It’s because of the way we were created. And we were created perfect in His image. You are perfect the way you are, and I am perfect the way I am. But that doesn't mean we’re perfect together.”

It sickens me he was taught to hate himself from such a young age, and I stood by and watched, participated even. I thought I could help him, as if he needed it in the first place. “I am so sorry for going along with something that was damaging to you. I love you, Jonathan, and I loved having you as a partner, but we both know in our hearts this isn’t about love.”

He nods. It’s not the first time we’ve had this argument, but it’s the first time I’ve said it without him lashing out at me.

“We are two people with a broken upbringing, but that doesn’t mean we’re broken, it just means we’re not like them—and praise God for that, because that isnotlove.”

He sniffs. “I know. But I still don't want to lose you.”

“You could never lose me,” I promise. But after staring deathin the face, I know life is too short. “But you can’t start a new life if you never walk away from the old one.”

With tears in our eyes, we regard each other, seeing ourselves independently for maybe the first time ever.

“So, in a year… we just… walk away?” He sounds so despondent.

Watching him go through the realization I experienced over a year ago brings a new kind of pain. Until recently, he was the only man I ever loved. He’s my best friend. We were all we had.

“The love we have for each other will never go away, but our love isn’t the kind made for a marriage. It’s not romantic. I’m not what you need. We aren’t enough for each other.”

He bows his head in agreement, sniffling.

“You deserve happiness, you deserve affection from a partner who can give it to you the way that I never will… We have to live the lives we were meant to live. Love the people we were meant to love.”

His lip trembles. “Callahan?” he asks.

It catches me off guard. Do I love Callahan? Yeah… I do.I love Callahan. I stare back at Jonathan, still taking in the realization.

“I saw the way you looked at him.”

My tears spill over, and I push them aside. “I’m sorry.”

Jonathan shakes his head and sniffs again. “I knew we were done when you left. But seeing the way you looked at that guy today, and the way he looked at you… I guess it’s real, huh? We’re really going to end it.”

“We have to,” I say. “I promise, life is so much better on the other side.” My mouth tips up in a sad smile.

He chuckles, glancing at the water-stain covered walls. “Yeah, you’re living the dream… When we come back in a year, we’ll find you a better apartment.”

I shrug. It may not be glamorous, but it’s worth more thangold. I look forward to the day of his deliverance, so he can feel the weight lift and understand the peace that comes with it.

He studies me thoughtfully. “I’m sorry, Scottie.”

One year, one year.

“But I will have to give notice at work. I can’t drop everything and go back to Arkansas immediately.” I plan to return to this town. If I’m to get my old job back next year, a graceful exit is necessary.

“How much time do you need?”

“Two to three weeks. I need to figure it out with them.” My gaze drops to my hands. “I also have to talk to Callahan.”

He nods. “I, uh, I’m staying at a local hotel.” He grabs a notepad and pen from the counter and jots down the name and room number. “If you need a break from this… or need to talk. Come find me.”

“Okay.” This apartment may not be as nice as the house we had back in Arkansas, but it’s part of my journey. Someday, I will look back and see how far I’ve come.

“I love you, Scottie. I hope you know I don’t take for granted the sacrifice you’re making. You’re saving me, for the second time,” he says.

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