Page 68 of Someday Not Soon

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Ella

Present

Returning home feelslike a giant step backward.

Back at my job, I’m alone in a monotonous gray cubicle for eight hours a day. The only times my office phone rings is when there’s a new hire on-boarding that needs to be completed, or when some petty employee drama arises. When I get off work, I go to the back of a packed workout class, and leave without saying a word to any of the vaguely familiar faces. At home, it’s eerily silent.

There’s no lunch dates with my best friends. No sitting on the chair on the back porch watching the sunset. No pouncing Jude the moment he walks through the front door, or falling asleep in his arms.

Being alone has never felt as loud as it does now. It’s like Jude showed me how full life could be, and now it’ssuddenly disappeared. The only highlight at the end of everyday, is when we are both off work, and have our daily video chat.

But seeing his tired face on a six-inch screen isn’t the same. My body aches to reach out and touch him. To feel his fingers combing through my hair as I fall asleep. To have his arms wrapping around me whenever he’s within reach. And to find his eyes all over me whenever we’re in the same room together.

My life had gone from a world of color, back to this depressing gray version. Where I work a thankless job and blend into a sea of faces. A day-in and day-out blur that leaves me depleted. After ninety-six hours of it, I’m itching for something more. So much fucking more.

As soon as I settle in on my couch to read, my phone chimes with an unexpected call from Madi.

“Hey, Mad. What’s up?”

“Meh, forget about me. The reason I’m calling is to see howyouare doing?” she asks. Then she adds, “And no lying. I can tell when you lie, your voice gets an octave higher.”

“Okay, expert-level interrogator. I’ll admit, I’ve been better. It does feel lonelier here than I expected. I think after being in Lawson for so long, coming back has been a hard adjustment.”

“So, what’s stopping you from packing up all your shit and coming back to Lawson?”

“I…don’t know.” It’s a good question. The same one I’ve been asking myself.Why the hell do I feel like it’s necessary to stay here when it’s apparent I’d rather be back in myhometown?“To be honest, I feel like I needed to prove to myself that I could make it on my own.”

“The thing is, you’ve been on your own for most of your life. I don’t want to talk ill about the dead, but even though your parents were physically there, they weren’temotionallythere. Then when you dated Stephen for all those years, he was equally distant and cold and an all-around asshole.”

I’m silent because I know she’s right. Admitting it feels even harder however.

“Listen, it’s okay to need someone. No one is going to fault you for changing your mind and coming back here. You’ve proved throughout your entire life that you’re strong and independent. Maybe it’s time for you to depend on the people you love, that love you right back tenfold. Like Delaney and I.” She clears her throat. “And my brother.”

“Wow, what a segue,” I laugh.

“I know, real subtle. But seriously, he’s miserable without you. I legit saw him staring out the window and not paying attention like some love-sick puppy. It was a strange combination of cute and depressing.”

“He seems fine when I talk to him every night. Tired, but okay.”

“Don’t let him fool you. He’s trying to act all tough so you don’t worry about him. As your best friend, and his sister, take my word—he’s fucking miserable. And from the sound of it, you are too. Maybe that’s worth looking into.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You do whatever is best foryou. Not for your friends, or employer, and especially not for my idiot older brother. Make yourself the priority.”

We hang up and it’s like the alarm has been set off for taking my life into action. WhatamI trying to prove by staying here? By trying to prove anything, I’m still making others’ opinions a priority above my own. Because what I want more than anything is to be back in Lawson. To try being my own boss in a new business venture. With my support system. And most of all, with Jude.

Lawson used to hold a giant pile of bad memories, but suddenly that has all changed. Now all I see is the potential.

In an effort to process all these far off feelings and ideas, I unzip my luggage that I have yet to unpack. If only Jude knew my expert level of procrastination, he’d cringe. But it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off, and unpacking seems like a good way to divert my train of thought before I do something wild like drive back to Lawson in the dead of night.

Flipping the hardshell lid of my suitcase open, my heart stops when I see it lying there on top of the neatly folded piles of clothes he helped me pack. It’s the Polaroid we took ten years ago, parked on the cliffside overlooking the Pacific. Me, smiling ear-to-ear in the passenger seat of his car; him, kissing me on the cheek for the first time ever. That very moment changed the entire course of our relationship. It was like the meteor that crashed into us and altered the trajectory of our future.

Thumbing through the Polaroids, I also find the oneswe took last week. Holding the photos of our past and present selves is like holding two sides of the same coin—one marked by excitement and possibilities, the other etched with strength and hard-won understanding. It’s a reminder that no matter how much has changed, the connection between us has always been there, enduring and unwavering.

I pace the small area of my apartment, walking back and forth between the kitchen and living room, biting my nails to the nub. I’ve made choices my entire life based on what I thought others expected of me. Now I know what I want to do, and all I need is the courage to take the leap.

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