Page 65 of Someday Not Soon

My chest tightens as I hear how he’s happier—all because of me. It’s an effect I never imagined I’d have on anyone. I’ve always seen myself as dull, blending into the background. But little by little, I’m starting to believe that maybe there’s more to me, that maybe I am full of color. It’s a feeling I’m terrified will pass when I return to Washington, where no one is around to remind me to see that brightness within myself.

Back at home, I check in with work to let them know I’ll be back by the beginning of next week. They’re ecstatic, while my stomach twists with dread. Iusedto love Washington—the weather, the nature, the meager beginnings of a new adventure. But as soon as I stepped foot back in Lawson that all changed. Now, I haven’t even left yet, but I have an overwhelming sense of homesickness that rings clear through my bones. And I have a feeling that has a lot to do with the man walking through the door right now.

Jude smiles when sees me. Exhaustion crinkles his eyes, while pure happiness simultaneously radiates out of him like he’s shining with it. It feels like he’s relieved to see me every time he comes back from work. As if he thinks I’ll be giving him a dose of his own decade-old medicine, by leaving without a goodbye.

“El.” Setting his lunch bag on the counter, he walks over to where I’m seated at the table checking in on work emails on my laptop.

He swoops me up from the chair, holding me in his arms. “I missed you so damn much.”

I giggle, feeling small for once when he holds me against his tall form. “I missed you too.”

Carrying me to the couch, he plops down to sit while holding me. Our bodies bounce off the cushions, our limbs wrapping around each other like vines of ivy. He lies back, slouched down, as I straddle him.

My fingers comb through the hair at the nape of his neck, feeling the silky short strands. “Being away from you is going to be hard when I go back.”

“Have you thought about it? Staying?”

“I have. It’s impossible not to.”

“And what are your thoughts?”

“I want to. Trust me, I want to. But I also don’t want to abandon the life I’ve started in Washington. My job pays really well, definitely far better than anything I could find in Lawson. And wouldn’t it be crazy to move here when we just started dating?” I made that mistake with my last relationship—moving to a new place right out of the gate. It obviously did not work out or end well.

“Of course I want to tell my significant other it’s not crazy to move here. I’ve told you before, I’m all in on us—all the way fucking in. But I think you should decide to do what is best foryou. I’ll be here for you whether you’re up north in Washington, or right here in Lawson.”

Processing his words, I stare into his blue eyes. I cantell he’s holding back from begging me to stay, but a thread of himself is trying to stay quiet in order to let me make my own decision. To decide what’s best for me, without being persuaded by outside forces.

I smile, letting his words sink in. “I love and appreciate everything you just said. But I can’t stop smiling like an idiot over the fact that you called me your ‘significant other.’ So, I guess that officially makes you my boyfriend, huh?”

He cups my cheeks, his thumb gently brushing across my cheekbone. “It does. Although, ‘boyfriend’ feels too light of a term for the plans I have for us.”

I shift against him, feeling him start to grow hard beneath me. “Tell me more about theseplans.”

His hands grip my waist, guiding my hips to roll against him. “Will I scare you? If I’m too honest?”

“I don’t scare easily.” The corner of his mouth tips up and we both know that’s a blatant lie. I chuckle as I backtrack. “Okay, well, that’s obviously not true. I definitely scare easily. But not when it comes to this—to us.”

He lets out a soft, amused laugh, his eyes searching mine. “Well, if that’s the case. I plan to do everything with you. From traveling together, to marrying the hell out of you. Whatever life throws at us, I want it all, so long as it’s with you.”

“I want that too. All of it,” I reply. His words do terrify me, but not in the way he’d think. They’re frightening because I want it to happen so badly that it will destroy me if it doesn’t work out.

This undertow of him, this feeling, is enough to sweep me away. The question is will we drown or stay afloat?

The next morning, I decide to head back to Little Elm for a change of scenery. I’m a creature of habit, usually sticking close to home or places within my comfort zone. Jude’s house and this cozy coffee shop are at the top of my list of places where I can focus and feel at ease. But before leaving Lawson, I also want to say goodbye to Sherie. Since young adulthood, she’s been a steady, encouraging presence in my life. It’s the exact opposite of the parenting style my parents had utilized, so it feels like stepping into a maternal warmth I didn’t know I was missing, every time I’m around her.

In the past, she was one of my first Pilates clients, showing up faithfully week after week. Her presence, kind words, and steady encouragement helped build a confidence I hadn’t known was possible.

That persistent voice in the back of my mind, nudging me toward the idea of opening my own business, makes me crave her advice—from one small-business owner to another hopeful. I wish I’d reached out more over the years, but it’s better to start now than put it off another decade.

I place my order for a maple latte and settle by the window, overlooking downtown. Big, puffy clouds drift across a bright blue sky, the sun casting a warm glow overthe town square. A few minutes later, Sherie herself appears, delivering my drink with a welcoming smile.

“When I saw the name on the order, I was hoping it’d be you,” she exclaims, setting the steaming mug on the table.

She settles into the chair across from me, her face glowing with joy.

“I wanted to see you one last time before I leave this week,” I say.

“Oh, don’t tell me that,” she sighs, shaking her head. “I was hoping that boy of yours would change your mind so we could keep you here in Lawson for good.”

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