Page 16 of Someday Not Soon

The whole situation is like throwing a match into kindling, igniting a fire of anger that burns hot in my chest.

I don’t need to choose between them, or leave with anyone at all. Maybe Jude was trying to shield me from feeling uncomfortable with Levi. But it felt like more than that. Like he’s jealous and trying to stop me from being with someone else. I understand in a sense. I’d hate to see him with another woman here too. But I wouldn’t do a damn thing to prevent it, even if it shredded me apart inside. The problem lies in the fact that he doesn’t want to be a witness to anyone being with me, and yet he doesn’t want me for himself either.

I realize I can leave on my own terms—by myself, and without the pressure of balancing their fragile egos. Without another word, I step back from the pool table, the noise of the music fading as I make my way toward the exit.

“Ella, wait up,” Levi yells to my back as I walk away.

I throw up a hand to wave. “I’m done here, goodnight you two.”

I can feel their eyes on me but I don’t look back. I need space, air, anything to clear the suffocating whirlwind of commotion that’s creeping up. The cool night air hits me as I push open a side door leading to a secluded portion of the deck round the back.

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. Leaving the two of them there felt like the only choice that made sense, the only way to keep from being pulled under by the waves of whatever frat boy showdown shit they were trying to pull.

I close my eyes and breathe in the salty water. What I could use right now is a stiff drink and quick little cry session. Instead I opt for deep breathing and being thankful I no longer have to pretend to care about striped balls going into holes.

At two in the morning, I decide that I’ve had enough tossing and turning with no sign of sleep in the near future. Though my body exhibits all the signs of exhaustion, my mind races along ten different tracks, each fighting for attention. Not only am I recalling every single situation tonight where I didn’t do my finest conversational work, I’m also replaying the way Levi tried to make a move on me, and how Jude’s face fell when he realized I wasn’t going with him.

The ocean is calling me instead, a relentless pull that Ican’t ignore—the need to hear the waves gently lapping at the shore, to breathe in the crisp ocean air again. Careful not to disturb anyone, I tiptoe down the long, dimly lit halls. When I reach the door to the deck, I slide it open carefully, the soft creak of the track almost drowned out by the distant sound of the surf.

My breath catches in my throat when I see him. There, near a crackling fire pit, stands Jude. The fire’s orange glow dances across his features as he stares into the flames, lost in thought. The light accentuates the strong lines of his face, the straight bridge of his nose, the chiseled jaw that somehow makes him look both rugged and refined. No one’s ever come close to matching him in attractiveness and personality. He’s effortlessly magnetic. But what’s always struck me more is that he knows the effect he has on people, and yet, it hasn’t turned him conceited.

I wonder what’s going through his mind as he stands alone staring into the flickering flames. What heaviness he’s carrying beneath that calm exterior, and whether he’s ever felt as lost as I do right now.

He looks over, no hint of surprise in his expression, as if he’d been waiting for me, expecting me to come out at any moment of the dead of night.

“I see you also enjoy cold as shit ocean breezes at two in the morning?” I say, in an effort to keep things light.

He tries to laugh, but it’s as if it falls short, getting caught in his throat. He tilts his head once to the side. “Couldn’t sleep. Also I thought maybe that night seagull you saw earlier would make a reappearance.”

I want to be embarrassed, but little bubbles of happiness and exhilaration take hold of me with the knowledge that he was eavesdropping on me earlier.

“Hm, you know, I heard he likes to break into garages and poop on fancy cars in there.” I walk to the fire pit, curling up in an Adirondack chair beside him.

“Fucking seagulls.” He palms the back of his neck. “Hey, I’m sorry for whatever the hell I was trying to pull with you and Levi earlier.”

“I know you meant well.” I don’t want to get into it out here. Knowing Jude, hedidmean well. Even if he did overstep, I don’t believe he’d ever purposely do harm to anyone.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he looks straight at me. “Also, I heard about your parents passing. I never mentioned it earlier, but I’m so damn sorry.”

I stare into the bright red flames, trying not to let the grief swallow me whole. “It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, while simultaneously being the biggest relief.” Clapping a hand over my mouth, I huff out a laugh. “Oh, shit. I can’t believe I said that out loud. I sound like a horrible person.”

“You’re not a horrible person. Grief is a weird thing. And I remember your relationship with them was…rocky.”

He’s familiar with the extended version of my upbringing and family. He’s among the select few who are acquainted with the complete narrative—the icy remarks, the absence of warmth or affection, the constant feeling ofbeing a burden. It’s the accumulation of countless small incidents that coalesced into one significant experience.

Attempting to shift the conversation away from the sudden heaviness, I ask, “So, how’s the doctor’s life treating you?”

“Fulfilling,” he says. “Also, simultaneously soul-sucking.”

“Wow, I have to admit, I didn’t see that last part coming.”

“Yeah, me either,” he replies with a sigh. “But it is what it is.” He tries to sound convincing, but there’s a hint of doubt in his tone as he adds, “I love ninety-nine percent of my job. It’s just that one percent that is really fucking stressful.”

“What exactly are these soul-sucking parts?”

“The endless paperwork, the stress that never seems to let up, not being able to detach from certain cases. The hellish hours. Oh, and the whole death part, of course.”

“You almost sound like one of those medication advertisements listing all the possible side effects,” I tease.

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