Page 10 of The Best You've Ever Had

Standing smack dab in the middle of the family room’s geometric rug, I wait like a parent anticipating their troubled teenage child to come home drunk. Mom appears round the corner, hand-in-hand with a silver-haired fox, with too white teeth and a mustache. They’re giggly and smiling at me as if they’ve been busted, yet they don’t seem to really give a shit. My eyes dart between the two of them and land on their conjoinedhands. Mom smiles up at the man, as if he’s painted the goddamn Mona Lisa. And he smiles right back down at her as if she’s a crown jewel. They don’t even need to say it out loud—they’re disgustingly in love.

“Well, there you are. I wanted to introduce you to Paul, my boyfriend.”

He steps forward to shake my hand, and his sweaty little palm irritates me. I thought this household had been in agreement that we did not engage in serious romantic pursuits. We had always agreed that most, if not all, men are bastards we want nothing to do with. At least not in official ways, with titles like boyfriend.

In an attempt to not be rude, I paste on my best fake-happy lawyer smile. The one I’ve practiced a thousand different times in the mirror to make sure it really hits all the right targets.

“Nice to meet you.” I turn to my mother, who is trying not to laugh at what she knows is my shocked shell state. “So, how long have you two been together?”

“Hm, almost a year now actually. Next month will be the anniversary of when I first met your gorgeous mother.” Paul smiles his veneered smile at my mother and I, knowing he’s buttering us up like a Thanksgiving roll.

“A year, huh? I’m surprised I’m just now hearing about this.”

With a tight smile, Mom glances over in my direction, clearly nervous to tell me about her relationship. “Time flies when you’re having fun.” She shrugs. “You never come to town, and it felt awkward telling you over the phone or when I was up in the city.”

“Well, happy to officially be in the loop now.”

A beat of uncomfortable silence passes, as everyone is at a loss of what to say. Then much to my horror, from out of his back pocket, Paul pulls out a sprig of mistletoe and holds it above his and my mother’s heads.

“Oop, look at that. Mistletoe.” He winks at her, and she giggles like a middle school girl before leaning in and pecking him on the lips.

This sly motherfucker, attempting to break the tension and swoon Mom with some holiday magic moves. Did he have that in his pocket the whole time? Waiting for the perfect moment to pull that little stunt? The worst part is Mom is eating up the whole act.

On one hand, I am relieved to see her happy. On the other, I don’t trust Paul as far as I can throw him. And I’m weak, so I can’t even lift him to toss him in the first place.

He pockets the mistletoe, and announces, “So, should we all drive together to lunch at the Brooks’?”

“Lunch at the Brooks’?” I ask.

“Brandy wants us all over for a small Christmas get-together. Just casual—wine, hors d’oeuvres, and dessert. No presents allowed. She wants to see you while you’re in town.”

“I’ll go get ready. I can drive myself though, so don’t wait for me.”

“It’d be nice to drive there together, so you and Paul can get to know each other more.”

Like a grown adult, I swallow my pride even if it does feel like a bowl of nails on the way down. There’s nothing I’d dislike more, but for my mother I’ll do it. “Can’t wait.”

An hour later, I emerge from the bathroom fresh off an ‘everything’ shower, and dress in one of the form-fitting, long sleeve dresses I packed. It errs on the side of dressier, but if I’ve learned anything from professional mixers, it’s that it’s always better to be overdressed than under. Not having to wear pants is also a plus.

“Wow, don’t you look nice,” Mom comments while I put small gold hoops in each ear. “You trying to impress someone?”

“The only person I care about impressing is myself,” I remark.

“If I’ve done nothing else in my life, at least I know I raised a strong daughter. You sure are a force to be reckoned with, aren’t you?”

“Being a force to be reckoned with makes me a lot of money in my profession.”

“Well, I’m very proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. I don’t tell you that enough.” With a pat on my shoulder, we smile at each other in the mirror. She starts to head out of the spare room, but stops and looks over her shoulder to add, “Also, be nice to Paul or I’ll play Christmas music for the entire time you’re here.”

My laughter bursts out of me due to her unexpected, and very festive, threat. Only my mom would threaten someone via holiday music. And it works.

The entire drive to the Brooks’ house, I ask Paul about the details of his life. I’ve found out he has a set of twins, a boy and a girl, who are now grown adults with children of their own. He’s a recently retired orthodontist. And he plays the trumpet at the Moose Lodge with his buddies on the weekends.

From the passenger seat, Mom looks thrilled at my sudden interest in Paul’s life. But you know what they say—keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

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We arrive right as a dusting of snow begins to fall. The flakes descend from the sky, appearing light and fluffy, and seeming to sparkle in the gentle glow of the holiday lights. The exterior of Brandy and Dante’s large custom home is decked from the ground to the roof with colorful lights. Atop the roof, Santa’s sleigh is accompanied by eight reindeer which has me trying to figure out how the hell they got that up there.

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