Page 38 of An Honored Vow

Feron gave a noncommittal shrug. “It would appear so. But the blessings of Elverath should never be assumed.”

“But what if these new powers are too much? What if they can’t be controlled? What if they hurt people?” I started to pace. “What if you and the other Fae can’t train them, Feron?”

Gwyn stood. From the way she still stared at her hands, it was clear she hadn’t heard a word I said. “I’m going to the library,” she shouted, already running toward the tunnel.

Fyrel trailed after her. It would only take them minutes to convince Vrail to give them every book with runes she had.

My stomach hardened. I turned back to Feron.

“How do we help her hone her gift?” My shoulders tightened around my neck once more. “How do we train her for battle with a gift like that?”

Riven and Feron held the same hard expression on their faces. For a moment they looked like father and son instead of distant kin.

Then Feron said the scariest words I had ever heard. “I don’t know if we can.”

“Is she coming?” Riven asked, leaning against the outside of my burl.

I shook my head. “She didn’t even speak to me. She just stared at the wall as I explained the mission. I’m not even sure if she heard me.”

Riven grazed my cheek with the back of his hand. “Syrra blames herself.”

I rubbed my brow, exhaustion getting the best of me. “She shouldn’t.”

“No.” Riven’s voice was hard. “She shouldn’t.”

I bit my lip. I wanted to console Riven, to tell him that he shouldn’t blame himself for Maerhal’s death either, but I didn’t know if I believed it. I had spent so long wrapped up in my own guilt that I had no measure for what was healthy and what was the darkness digging its talons deeper into me. All I knew for sure was that if my lie had been exploited by Damien and ended with someone dead, I would feel guilty too. More than I already did.

I walked into my burl, discarding my cloak on a chair. Riven lingered in the doorway. I took out my braid and turned back to him. “You can come in.”

He stepped through the threshold like a child stepping into unknown waters. So much had happened between us, yet he had spent so little time in my chambers. We were like two people lost at sea, clamoring onto each other to save ourselves from the pain and guilt. I didn’t regret it. But we hadn’t had the chance to grow slowly together, stacking tiny little moments over the course of years. There hadn’t been time, but part of me wished there had been.

“When I first came to Myrelinth, you started to tell me little details about yourself.” I unlaced my vest and let it fall to the floor. “Why did you stop?”

Riven swallowed from his seat on the chaise. “Because I ran out of things to tell you without telling you the truth about … who I was.”

“I know now. Tell me something.” I grabbed the back of the chair. I was still dressed but I felt completely naked.

Riven bunched his trousers in his fist. “I know I run away from problems when they arise. I think I convince myself that if no one is dying then it can wait, but making others wait—making you wait—hurts. I know that but I still don’t know if I can stop.”

I perched on Riven’s armrest and tucked a loose strand back into his half braid. “Why run at all?”

Riven leaned his head back to look at me. “All I ever saw was my father cause pain. Pain to his servants, pain to his lords, pain to the people he claimed to love.” Riven’s jaw pulsed. “Sometimes I wonder if that’s all I’m capable of. Hurting people. Sometimes it feels like if anyone spends enough time with me, they will get hurt and that staying far away is the best thing for everyone.”

My chest tore at Riven’s words; they were too familiar. I had lived that way for thirty years, keeping others at a distance for that very reason. But I’d been wrong.

I sighed. “You run to save them from the hurt, but the leaving is what does it.”

Riven’s face crumpled and he nodded.

“Thank you for telling me.” I pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Riven’s eyes widened like he’d thought I would never touch him like that again. “Thank you,diizra. For listening and for asking.”

“Confess all you like,” I said jokingly, but Riven’s face hardened.

“I’m scared for Nik.”

I caressed his cheek with my hand. “I am too.” Every night I went to bed, I hoped that I wasn’t woken by a messenger announcing Nik was dead.

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