Page 91 of Beg, Borrow, or Steal

“About the weather? Itisunseasonably warm at the moment.”

He doesn’t acknowledge my quip. “Let’s talk about what happened with Liam all those years ago.”

The floor almost falls out from under me. Noah has never, not once, tried to press the topic of the breakup that changed the entire course of my life—and possibly even rewired my brain, even though he was witness to it. Everyone took my words at face value when I said it was a mutual breakup that hurt, but I’d get through it. Noah is the only one who knows the truth.

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“We’re going to—because it’s important to this moment. Emily, you were always so tough and independent after Mom and Dad died, but never so closed off as you are now. It’s like that day froze a layer of ice over your heart so thick it stopped beating normally. And you know why I think it was? Because you’ve regretted not going with him.”

A record screeches in my mind. Because after Liam and I talked in my room, I had opened my bedroom door to find Noah standing there listening. I always assumed he knew exactly what was said. But it turns out he didn’t hear it all that well.

“You think….” I laugh like a gust of wind. “You think I regret not going with Liam?”

“Yes. I think you chose to stay home with your family because you would sacrifice every bit of your happiness to make yoursiblings happy. I think you were worried to leave the girls without someone to take care of them. Because let’s face it, Grandma was sweet and tender, but she didn’t have that motherly edge that youdo.”

“Well, you’re right about one thing—I was afraid to leave them. And you.” I pause and refuse to cry this time. “But the truth is, I would have. I loved him enough that I absolutely would have. But…he didn’t ask me to go.”

Noah is understandably speechless.

“Didn’t want me to go, I should say. He needed to experience life without me. Wanted to date other people.” And by other people he meant Brittney Daniels from our graduating class whodidget into the same college with him. She was a lot like Annie. I doubt she’s ever sent back an incorrect meal in her life. “He was there to break up with me, Noah. It was never mutual. I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone that. To tell anyone that the boy I loved with all my heart didn’t really love me back.”

Noah wraps me in a bear hug. One so tight I can barely breathe. And guess what? I cry again, since it’s all I do these days. Because I’m a mess. Because all the darkness I’ve been experiencing on my own the last year is leaking out through my eyes on a continual basis for everyone to witness.

He sighs into my hair. “I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t know. I should have asked more questions back then instead of assuming you were okay because you said you were.”

Not that it’s his fault at all, because I played a very convincing part ofGirl Who Is Just Fine,but I do wonder: If my family had made more of an effort to talk to me during that time about what happened with Liam instead of accepting my righteous independence, would I have healed faster? More wholly? Would I have been in a better place by the time I started college and not told Jack to piss right off?

Maybe there’s no real point in asking these questions, or maybe self-reflection is the key to a lifetime of healing. All I know is that despite everything, I still found my way into Jack’s heart. And now he wants me. Or he says he does. But Liam said that at one time too. So how do I trust it’s real this time?

“Listen,” Noah says, shifting the hug so he can look down at me. “I’m not…I’m not very good at all this. Pep talks and feelings aren’t really my thing.”

“No, really?” I ask sarcastically because it’s my sisterly duty.

“But when I was going through a hard time, you told me something that really helped me. So I’m going to say it back to you.” He pauses. “Maybe not everything will end in hurt. But we’ll never know if we don’t try.”

I laugh at hearing that bit of wisdom from my few sessions of therapy thrown back at me before I stopped going altogether because it was too damn painful week after week. I decided it was easier to shove it all in my Treasure Chest of Doom instead. “I meant that advice for you, not me.”

He smiles. “Let yourself have this one. Be open to seeing what happens. Don’t let him be the most wonderful thing that never happened to you because you were scared to give it a try. Besides, the Emily I know can handle just about anything. If it doesn’t work out in the end, you’ll get through it. It may not feel like it for a time, but it won’t break you. And no matter where we are in the world, us Walkers will always be there for you when you need us. You just have to say so.”

I swipe my hand across my wet cheeks. Noah’s words have swelled me up with so much encouragement and confidence I could hot-air-balloon this whole house to Paris.

“You’re better at pep talks than you think,” I tell him, patting the outside of his arm.

He smiles. “Amelia is rubbing off on me, I guess.”

“I’m glad you took a chance on her, Noah. I…I love seeing you happy.”

“And I loved seeing you happy Friday night at the bar with Jack.”

I nod. “I need to go talk to him.”

Noah stops me before I fully make it out of the pantry. “He’s not here anymore.”

“What?”Did he leave because of me? Is that it? He’s given up this quickly? I know I’m a pain in the ass but—

Noah gives me side-eye as he can apparently sense the direction of my thoughts and isn’t impressed I’ve regressed so quickly. “He told me to tell you that he’d find you later, but that something important came up with his mom and he needed to go out to Evansville.” He shakes his head with a laugh. “Poor guy even took a Tupperware full of Amelia’s damn Tabasco pancakes to go. It might have been a strategic move on his part to win me over, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work perfectly.”

Chapter Thirty-One

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