Page 86 of Beg, Borrow, or Steal

The microwave beeps in the kitchen, signaling that the popcorn is finished, but I’m too engrossed in this conversation to care yet. I also like to stand by in case I need to play referee.

Amelia puts her foot in Madison’s face. “Noah wasn’t snoozy this morning.”

Madison gags. Annie covers her face with her hands. I, too, am barely holding down my lunch at the thought of my brother not-snoozing anyone. But good for them. Healthy relationships and all that. I just don’t want to hear about it.

“Annie,” says Madison, swiveling her face to our baby sister. “How is your sex life with our favorite bodyguard? Wait—why am I even asking? I know it’s incredible. In fact, don’t tell me. I’ll be too jealous.”

“What happened to Ms. Free as a Bird from a minute ago?” I ask, saving Annie from her pink cheeks and having to respond to Maddie’s intrusive question. She’s changed a lot over the last year, but she’s still Anna-banana in a few ways too.

Madison shrugs. “I implied I was having sex. I never implied it wasgoodsex.”

And of course, that’s the moment that James walks into the living room holding a bowl of popcorn. His eyes—I notice—lock on Madison. He steps up to her from behind the couch and sets the bowl of popcorn directly in her lap. “Here’s your popcorn you made that I told you not to make. Thanks to you my kitchen is going to smell like it for a week.”

“Aw, Jamesie,” Madison says, raising her hand to playfully pat his cheek like an old granny showing affection in church. “Admit it, you miss me around here!”

The look James gives Madison makes my insides constrict. Hedoesmiss her.

Does Madison know what she’s doing to him? I don’t think so since she’s always playfully antagonizing him. The rest of us know, though, judging by the way we all seem to be wearing matching expressions of discomfort as we observe James’s longing look for Maddie as she pops a piece of popcorn into her mouth with seemingly zero awareness.

“You know what I miss, Madison? My T-shirt.” His eyes drop to the article of clothing in question. “Have you had it in New York this whole damn time?”

And then something flashes in her eyes for the briefest of seconds that makes me wonder if she’s not so clueless after all. Considering how much she’s missed home too…I can’t help but wonder if she’s been holding on to his T-shirt because she misseshim.“I found it at Noah’s place before I left. Finders keepers….” Her brown eyes slide up to him. “Losers weepers.”

He can’t fully hold back his grin. “Annoying little shit.” He flicks her nose and then steals a handful of popcorn before walking out his back door. Madison watches him go, swallows, and then turns toward the TV and watches Audrey Hepburn zip through town in her little red car wearing a fantastic monochrome white outfit. Complete with white sunglasses and hat that sort of resembles a bucket but on Audrey is painfully chic.

“We can all agree that Peter O’Toole was one of Audrey’s sexiest heroes, right?” says Amelia, deftly changing the subject away from the awkwardness that just unfolded in front of us.

“Definitely…he actually reminds me of J—” I stop myself before I finish that thought out loud. All three ladies heard it,however. They heard it and they look like wolves starved for dinner now.

“Ladies,” says Madison, sitting up straight. “Notice the goofy smile!”

“Hey!” I say, and lob a pillow across the room that doesn’t quite make it to her.

“The bright dopey eyes!” Amelia adds.

“Again.Hey!”

“The flushed cheeks!” Annie tacks on while cupping her hands around her mouth to assure everyone heard her.

Madison’s expression is greedy. “You were going to say ‘Jack,’ weren’t you! Because you love him! Because he stole your heart right out from under you.”

I roll my eyes, even as their words hit like direct missiles. “Please. I wouldn’t even care if he packed up all his bags and moved to Australia.” It’s a blatant lie. I’d bedevastated.I’d race to the airport without luggage and beg the person behind the ticket counter to send me wherever Jack Bennett went. But for the sake of getting my siblings to drop it, it’s off to Australia with him.

It would be so much easier if I didn’t care about Jack. Instead, I’ve been wondering nonstop how he is after our fight. Why his SUV has been missing since yesterday morning. Sometimes I wish I could go back to hating Jack and living my safe little life of solitude. But of course I’d have to go and fall in love with him instead. And I really, really do love him.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can give him what he wants. There seems to be a broken, jagged disconnect between what my heart wants and what my body will allow. Each time I mentally walk myself down the path of telling Jack I love him, and that I also want the kind of relationship he described, my body tenses up. Fight or flight kicks in and a thousand memories rush to the surface.

People I love die. Or they hide things from me and leave. Or they simply outgrow me and move on. The one constant in my life has been me, at the end of the day, alone in my bedroom. And if I let myself love Jack fully with arms outstretched wide and he leaves me, it will break me.

“Oh! Not to change the subject,” says Annie, popping up from the couch. “But this reminds me of something!” We watch her disappear into the kitchen, and when she comes back, she’s holding an old piece of paper. No. Not an old piece of paper—an old photo, I realize as she hands it to me. “I found it taped to the wall in one of James’s greenhouses. I asked him if I could have it and of course he said yes.”

The picture trembles lightly in my hand as tears flood my eyes.

“I guess their garden did grow,” Annie says, leaning down to kiss the top of my head.

In the picture, my mom and dad are standing together, his arm around her shoulder and hers around his waist, smiling hugely to the camera. Behind them is a flourishing garden full of sunflowers and dahlias.

My heart jumps into my throat. It feels as if my mom and dad are reaching through time and hugging me when I need them most. Reassuring me that even in unfavorable circumstances, even when it feels like all odds are against me, with hope and care, good things find a way to thrive.

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