Page 76 of Beg, Borrow, or Steal

All week I’ve been searching for the perfect moment to tell her the truth, but I’m realizing that the perfect moment is never going to come. And the longer I wait, the more difficult it’s going to be to tell her.

I walk back to Emily and stop just in front of her, not touching. My heart is thundering in my chest, and breathing has never been so difficult. Other than my agent, Zoe is the only other person I’ve told about Ranger. It was easier to tell her. I knew she wouldn’t care. But Emily…our long history of competition rolls out in my mind and threatens everything.

“You’re scaring me, Jack. Just tell me.”

I breathe out and rub the back of my neck. “Umm…shit. Okay. First, let me say, this isn’t something I tell anyone. So I didn’t keep it from you out of malicious reasoning. It’s just a secret I’ve always kept, and I plan to keep from now on too.”

Emily looks like she might be sick. The feeling is mutual.

“But I want you to know now, because…well, shit, no, I’ll tell you that after.”

Emily shakes her hands out like they’re wet. “Oh my god, Jack! Spit it out!”

“I’m AJ Ranger.”

For a man who’s supposedly good with words, I dropped those like I was holding a hot cast-iron skillet. Emily is nearly frozen if not for her blinking eyes. I don’t dare move closer to her. The hazy silence is choking me, but I’ve got to push through. Because I refuse to lose Emily.

“It started as a secret because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know I was a writer and turn it into something about him. Writing—it brings me so much comfort and happiness. I didn’t want him to take that from me. And then when I submitted my first manuscript and got an agent, I made sure it all happened under a pen name. Zoe knew, but I asked her to sign an NDA first. I didn’t want any traces to come back to me, because then I’d be connected to my dad professionally. People wouldn’t be discussing my book as a debut author; it would all be about how Fredrick Bennett’s son wrote a novel and how it compared to his.” I shut my eyes tight and breathe out the words “I didn’t want that.”

When I open them again, Emily’s face is still unreadable. She looks braced, though. Looks like a woman who has taken a lot of unexpected punches from life and is waiting to see if this one is going to be as painful as the others.

“I didn’t tell you originally, because…well, our friendship was so new after years of fighting. I didn’t know if I could trust you yet. But then when we got closer, I didn’t tell you because I was scared that this would seem like one more arena we could compete in.” I venture a half step closer. She doesn’t move an inch.

“My writing has always been everything to me, Emily. The most precious thing in my life. But lately…” My voice shakes. “Thattitle is shifting to another area of my life. I want something—whatever you’ll give me—with you. But I didn’t want to ask for it on false pretenses. I want you to know me, all of me. And I want a shot at us. But if this changes things for you, I understand. And you have to know…I would never let this become a competition between us. I will continue to support your writing. To pull for you. To root for you and do everything I can to help make your dreams come true.” My chest expands on a full breath, and I let it out in a rush. “That’s it. That’s everything.”

After several moments of dead silence, Emily—the woman turned marble statue—says softly, “You’re AJ Ranger.”

I nod.

“You’ve been a published writer for…”

“Since I was twenty-five.” I wish I were in her head. I hate that this is the first time I can’t read her.

“Seven years,” she says like she’s running back in time to see exactly where she was when I published my first novel.

Again I nod.

“So all the times you gave me advice based off your dad’s experience…it was really yours?”

“Yes.” I swallow. “It killed me not to tell you. So many times I almost did.”

She’s quiet for a few more beats, and then she lightly gasps with some kind of understanding. “This is how you’re rich. The Land Rover. The motorcycle. The clothes. Paying cash for the house!”No one in this town can keep a secret.“You’re not constantly going into debt?”

I let out a short laugh—of course she would have been worrying about that. “No—I’m not going into debt. I…have made quite a bit of money off my book deals and sales.”

She bites her lip, nodding before her head angles away and her eyes study the floor. Her brows twitch together the slightest bit. “Ithink I need…” She lets that statement dangle a torturous amount of time. “I think I need some time.” Her eyes lift to me. “To process all of this.”

Those words are a horse kick to my stomach. “Of course. Take all the time you need. You know where to find me.”

She stares back at me and nods.

It’s understandable that she’d want time to digest this. I’ve essentially been lying to her for years. Emily is someone who values absolute honesty—which is what I like about her most. But I’m sick to my stomach thinking that revealing this secret is what could end any chance of me and Emily before we really started.

I turn away, take my keys from the counter, and walk toward the door.

“Jack.” Her voice stops me. When I turn around, her smiling poison-ivy-green eyes rip my heart out and steal it away. “Turns out I didn’t need long to process.” She drops down from the counter and faces me. “I want you.”

I drop my keys and we both launch ourselves across the room. We collide in the middle and it’s beautiful chaos. She kisses me recklessly. I kiss her like the dehydrated man in the desert chasing a mirage for years that turns out to be real.

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