Page 65 of Beg, Borrow, or Steal

He surfaces from the evidently heavy conversation with his mom to look disappointed by this turn of events. We both know there’s no recovering the mood after this, though. And maybe it’s for the best.

But then he gives me a quiet smile and presses his phone to his chest to muffle his words as he says, “Good night, Goldie.”

FROM: Jack Bennett

TO: Emily Walker

DATE: Tue, Dec 9 11:00 PM (10 years ago)

SUBJECT: Library

Did you make it home? (Asking because if not, I won’t have to work so hard to beat your grade in history.)

FROM: Emily Walker

TO: Jack Bennett

DATE: Tue, Dec 9 11:10 PM (10 years ago)

SUBJECT: Library

I’m home. (Study up.)

Chapter Twenty

Jack

“So anyway…he did come back around twoa.m., but I’m worried about him. He’s doing this more and more,” my mom says, lifting her coffee to her mouth for another drink.

We’re sitting at the Hot Bean (which is either the very worst or very best coffee shop name—I haven’t decided yet) because after the night she had, I thought she might need some decompressing. I invited her to Rome for the first time to see my house (from the outside because Darrell and his guys are inside working today) and tour the town. Also because I’m worried about her. I’m always worried about her actually, but especially after she calls me in tears like she did last night.

There are dark smudges under her eyes from sitting up most of the night waiting on my asshole father to come back home. Apparently when he hadn’t surfaced from his office in a while, and she wanted to make sure he was okay, she went into his office even though his door was closed (a cardinal sin to Fredrick). He blew up at her, saying she’d interrupted his flow and he wouldn’t be able to get it back now because of her. She apologized (which I hate) andsaid she’d leave him alone from then on, but he’s a petulant child and said it was too late, the muse was gone. He got up, grabbed his keys, and went right to his car. Wouldn’t tell her where he was going either.Classic Fredrick.

That was when she called me. Worried that he hadn’t come home yet and afraid he’d gone to a bar. After a painful moment having to watch Emily go into her house, I spent awhile talking my mom down. She texted me around twoa.m.that my dad had come home safely—and thankfully, not drunk.

I study the dark circles under her eyes now, then have to avert my gaze to the coffee shop windows when a rage builds inside me. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that by him. Or anyone. You were just checking on him and he was a jerk to you. That’s not okay.”

My mom shrugs off my comment like she always does. She’s endured Fredrick’s gaslighting for so long now that she can never see when he’s manipulating her. “I shouldn’t have interrupted him, though. I know better than that—but he had missed lunch and dinner. And his stress has been so high with this book that I honestly worried something had happened to him in there.”

“Mom, those are good reasons to interrupt someone. Dad is just an entitled asshole who thinks he’s the god of creative writing and should be treated like it. It’s bullshit. There’s a difference between feeling grumpy from deadline stress and what he does. The way Dad acts is not normal or healthy.”

I’ve pushed too hard. I can see her shutting down. It’s what always happens anytime I try to bring up the truth about him. I know what she’s feeling now because I’ve felt it too: like you’re doing something wrong by calling out his toxic tendencies. Like you’re betraying him in some way even thoughhewas the one who hurt you. I’m by no means fully healed of the wounds my dad left—I likely will be trying to cauterize them for the rest of my life—butI have spent enough time now recognizing where the wounds come from that I can talk myself through the logical truth of it all.

But my mom—I worry she’ll never get away from him long enough to find healing at all.

“Mom,” I begin gently, and adjust my glasses. “Have you ever thought of leaving him? I remember you saying once you didn’t sign a prenup—so I know you’d get money in the settlement. Probably a lot of money to keep you comfortable. You don’t have to keep enduring—”

“He has his issues”—she cuts me off—“but he’s a good man too. And he’s always taken care of me. I just need to get better at waiting until he’s out of these stressful deadlines to approach him. I’m sorry I panicked and called you last night. I hope I didn’t ruin your evening.”

I don’t have the heart to tell her that sheabsolutelyruined my evening. Ruined what was sure to be the best night of my life, in fact. What happened with Emily in that closet—it felt like it was always meant to happen somehow. Like the pieces of my life slotted into place the moment my mouth touched hers. All I wanted was more. Still want more.

I can’t get her off my mind. I want to spend every second of the day with her. I want to make up for every day of every year I spent fighting with her instead of loving her. Lately, it’s been seeming like she feels the same way too. I can feel it in her touch. I can see it in her smile. Hear it in the way she says my name.

Which means it’s time to tell her about my writing career. And I’m dreading it. Everything seems so hopeful between us right now, and I don’t want to mess it up. But keeping it from her and pursuing a relationship only to tell her the truth later down the line—thatwouldmess it up. I’m not willing to hurt her like that. And this unfortunately means that until I can find a time to tell her, I can’t kiss her again.

“But listen, I’m confident your dad will come out of this mood and then be his normal self again,” Mom says, like this isn’t his normal self. Like this isn’t part of the patterns that make up who he is as a person. She’s right, though, he’ll finish his book and then lavish her with affection and attention and fun things and it’ll last for just long enough for her to believe that he truly loves her, and then he’ll rip his tenderness away as quickly as he gave it—and make her feel like his retreat is her fault. He used to do it to me too before I learned how to outsmart him.

Now I never give him pieces of myself. I have zero hope for us. It’s a weird thing to let yourself grieve your parent who is still living, but I’ve done it—do it regularly, actually. The only reason I go around their house now is because I love my mom and can’t let her weather him alone. I’m afraid he’s slowly crushing her spirit more and more each day. Which is part of why I don’t plan to ever come out from behind my pen name. If I do, I know for a fact my dad won’t welcome me in their house anymore.

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