Page 61 of Beg, Borrow, or Steal

“What do you think you could have possibly done that would have warranted her cheating for an entire year and moving you guys to Nebraska to be closer to the man she was cheating with?”

“I was distant. I never really opened up to her. I never loved her like I should have because…well…I didn’t love her.”

We’re in the living room now. “You…didn’t love her? Why did you stay with her for so long?”

In his silence, I count four ticks of the grandfather clock down the hall. And then…“When I was a kid, we moved away from the house I was raised in and into a big fancy one in a gated community.I hated it there. It didn’t have my favorite worn-in carpet or cool secret hiding place under the stairs. And I made the mistake of telling my parents. I told them I hated it there and I wanted to go home.” At some point during this speech, I’ve gravitated closer to Jack. “My mom started crying immediately because she felt so bad I was unhappy, and my dad couldn’t stand when my mom showed emotion. He told me to look at what my being a spoiled brat had done to my mom. He said he was only trying to make our lives better, that I was being ungrateful, and that he didn’t even want to talk to me if I was going to act so spoiled. He slammed the door to his office, and then my mom went in her room and bawled because she couldn’t make anyone happy.”

“Oh, Jack…”

“I think that’s the first time I remember feeling like I’d rather bury my own feelings than be the cause of so much pain again.” He shrugs. “It got worse over the years, and every step along the way has been a snowball of that moment. Little by little I shut myself down. Avoided confrontation because facing it felt like I was being chased by an imaginary bear rather than just an argument.”

“Do you feel like that when we argue?” I hold my breath waiting for his response. If he says yes, I’ll never forgive myself. And I wonder when exactly this happened. When did Jack go from someone I hoped would step on a nail to a man who has warm flesh and blood and a golden heart beating under his cozy knit shirt. A heart I very much care about.

His smile is so soft it’s made from the same silk as my favorite PJs. “I never feel that way when we argue. It’s always been different with you.”

“Why?” I need to know.

“I think because when we would fight, I’d show you my absolute worst again and again, and you kept coming back for more. You never shut the door on me. My thoughts and opinions havealways been safe with you. And God, Emily, I can’t tell you how good it is to always know exactly what you’re thinking with no mind games in the way.”

I know what he means. I feel the same way. I have freedom from perfection with him, and that’s the best gift I’ve ever received from anyone.

“But to answer your earlier question, no, Zoe didn’t keep me from socializing with the teachers. I did that all on my own because I don’t…I don’t like to get too close to people. I always have this feeling like something will go wrong if I do—so it’s been easier to keep to myself. Even with Zoe. So that’s what I mean when I say it wasn’t all her fault. She probably felt lonely in our relationship too. That’s why I can’t hate her.”

I have to turn away so I don’t wrap my arms around him and squeeze. He’s just so…he’s so good. His heart is kind and empathetic. And I really,reallylike him. It’s a big problem to have when I’m trying to convince myself not to do anything about my feelings. “Listen to me, Jack. No matter what you say, you did not deserve to be cheated on. If she was lonely, she should have ended it before moving on to someone else or communicated with you to fix it. Don’t take on the responsibility of her mistake.” I pause. “But if you don’t want to hate her, fine. I’ll hate her enough for the both of us.”

“Thank you,” he says with a soft grin, then shifts uncomfortably on his feet, clearly ready to be finished talking about Zoe. “All right, let’s find this damn laptop.”

We both leave the living room and walk down the hallway. I shine the flashlight against the wall of photos and find a slew of images of Bart as a young man with a woman I don’t recognize.

“Strange to think of Bart with a wife, right?” Jack says, coming to stand beside me.

“I’ve never seen a picture of her before.” All I know is that she died at some point in the ’90s.

“Yeah. And he doesn’t talk about her much. But that morning I came over for breakfast, he did tell me he hasn’t changed a thing since she passed. That’s why the house looks frozen in time.”

My heart squeezes with recognition.I know that kind of pain.The grief that makes you terrified to let go of the time you were once happy. Suddenly I wonder if this will be me one day: living in a home that I’m afraid to change, afraid to grow in because I’m so scared of leaning into the pain of change.

It feels lonely in here. And maybe it’s just because the lights are off, but there’s an eeriness to it. I don’t want to live in a house like this one day.

But I’m not quite as stagnant as I used to be, am I? I wrote a book. And I’m taking a chance on myself and sending it to the best agent out there. And I’m breaking and entering with my ex-nemesis who is now my friend. There’s hope for me yet.

“Emily,” Jack calls from down the hall. I was so lost in thought I didn’t even realize he had walked away. “I found his laptop.”

The relief that floods my body could rival a tsunami. I hurry in the direction of his voice and hang a left into the home office where Jack is seated behind Bart’s desk. The screen lights up, illuminating Jack’s face when he opens the lid. He looks like a cartoon character who’s just discovered a treasure chest.

“Is it password protected?” I ask, coming around the side of the desk.

Jack’s slow smile is all the confirmation I need. “Nope.”

“God bless Bart and his trusting heart. Do you see the email?”

Jack doesn’t get to answer me. In the next moment our gazes snap to each other as the sound of a key rattling in a door lock trickles through the room. “Is that…?”

Chapter Nineteen

Emily

“Someone’s coming in the back door,” Jack says, snapping the lid of the laptop shut and standing. “I thought you said he was coming tomorrow?”

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