Page 62 of The Better Sister

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“You rolled your eyes.”

Olivia interrupted. “You guys. Maybe—”

“Don’t you see, Chloe?” Nicky stood and moved to the conference table, creating space between us. “You’rejustlike every other woman who didn’t leave. Mom. Me. You. Same.”

“Bullshit. I couldn’t leave because I had no rights to Ethan. How many times have I been reminded during this trial that I’monlyhis stepmother? I’m the one he calls Mom. I’m the one who raised him. But I never could adopt him, which meant I couldn’t leave.”

“So this ismyfault?”

“No, that’s not what I said.”

“But it’s what you were thinking. Jesus, Chloe, why didn’t you tell me any of this? I could’ve been there for you. We could have helped each other.”

“Because it was no one’s fucking business, okay?!” Nicky’s eyes widened and she blew out a puff of air. Olivia was standing between us awkwardly. I was the crazy person in the room now. This was yet another reason why I didn’t want anyone to know. “Fine, I’m a hypocrite, just like Ethan said. How was it going to look that Chloe Taylor, one of the queens of the movement, was letting her husband hit her every few weeks? And in the meantime, I kept telling myself it was just a phase. I didn’t want to think he was actually a bad guy. It was easier for me to believe this was something recent. Situational. And I felt responsible, because I had made him feel emasculated. I felt so ashamed, but I told myself I was somehow retaining my dignity by... well, you know.”

I saw no reason to tell Olivia about my affair with Jake.

Olivia cleared her throat. “You obviously have a lot to talk about, but I think we should focus on Ethan for now.”

“What if he did this to protect me?” I blurted. “Is it too late to claim self-defense or something?”

“Well, if he did it to protect you, it would be defense of a third party, and that would only be if he stopped him from an ongoing or imminent attack. And if he tried to claim that he was defendinghimself, no one would believe it. Not after all this time.”

“What about temporary insanity or emotional distress?” It felt like random words I’d read in crime novels were spilling from my mouth. “What if Ethan did go back to the house after Kevin dropped him off at the beach? Maybe they were arguing, and he was high.” It was the first time I had voiced the possibility aloud.

“There’s something called ‘extreme emotional disturbance,’ which would make it manslaughter instead of murder. I can ask for that jury instruction all the way up until closing argument, but I’m not ready to go there yet.”

Nicky walked back to the sofa, sat next to me, and grabbed my hand. “Remember that night Mom and Dad went to Niagara on the Lake and we had a slumber party in my room and stayed up until three in the morning?”

That was when the big room was still hers. I was probably ten years old, and she was sixteen, just old enough to be trusted with her baby sister for a weekend. We bought frozen pizza, chips and dip, and ice cream bars and ate until our bellies hurt. Afterward, we chewed licorice and played Parcheesi and Sorry! until I finally stopped fighting sleep.

“You wanted to kill me when I set off the smoke detector trying to make pancakes when I woke up.”

“Do you even remember why Dad took Mom away for the weekend?”

I shook my head.

“It was a make-up trip. He had fallen off the wagon again. I helped her cover up the black eye with concealer before they got in the car.”

“I was crying, thinking they were leaving because it was our fault they fought. That’s when you took me Krogering for whatever junk food we wanted.” She had used the money she had stashed in the bottom of her jewelry box, saving for her dream prom dress.

“And while we were sitting on my bedroom floor, with your legs all crisscross-apple-sauce, you said, ‘Nicky, I wish we were orphans.’ And I said we’d be like Oliver Twist, but with all the junk food we could eat.”

“I was ten.”

“Yeah, but I was sixteen, and I remember thinking, yep, I’d be totally fine if Mom and Dad were...poof. But I didn’t really mean it. Ethan obviously had issues with Adam. So did you, right? But you didn’t kill him, and neither did Ethan. Olivia’s right. Don’t give up yet.”

I looked into her eyes and knew she meant it. I could see the intensity of her faith in him, even in the way she was standing. She was absolutely certain that Ethan was innocent, and I was the one doubting him. Maybe it was true that biology bound her to him in an irreplicable way.

I could see some kind of idea forming behind Olivia’s furrowed brow. “Chloe, you said before that you felt like you were holding on to your dignity by...you know. What were you talking about?”

I sighed. “It’s nothing.”

“Oh my god,” Nicky said. “Go ahead and tell her.”

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