Page 56 of The Wife

“Jason’s lawyer wants to use my background as part of his defense.”

Her eyes widened in disbelief.

“I know Jason’s innocent,” I said, trying not to cry, “and I want to help him, but it’s not fair that I should have to pay the price for what he did.”

“So then don’t,” she said, releasing me from her embrace. “Tell that lawyer it’s off-limits.”

“I’m not sure I trust her. She’ll find a way to use it. She’ll leak it to the press. Or just blurt it out in court before we can stop her.”

“Tell Jason that if she utters one word about you, you’ll leave him. Trust me: if she’s trying to make him sympathetic, the image of you standing up in court and walking out will backfire.”

“Except itisrelevant, Susanna.”

I could tell from her expression that she didn’t see the connection.

“Jason and I don’t—we haven’t, you know, for years. And it’s because of me. Olivia says it will make his affair more understandable if people knew that I wasn’t... available to him in that sense.”

“No,” Susanna said, shaking her head adamantly. “No way. If he had an affair with this woman, then that’s his defense. He’ll get acquitted. And that’s all he gets. He doesn’t get to blame his infidelity on you, Angela. Please, I know you’re determined to stand by him, but you don’t owe him this.”

“Except maybe I do. It’s my fault. I’ve said all these years that the past is the past. That I started over again. That I’m fine. That I’m ‘good and boring.’Except obviously I wasn’t.”

She placed an arm around me. When she spoke, she sounded less determined. “Why didn’t you tell me all this, sweetie? I thought you guys were so perfect.”

“We are. Or we were. I thought we were. We just didn’t—” I rotated my hand as a substitute for the actual words.

“I’m sorry to pry, but why not? I mean, I remember when you first got married and stayed at my place while the guesthouse was being remodeled. I could hear you through the walls.”

I placed my hands over my face. “So embarrassing.”

“It wasn’tthatbad. But I’m serious, did something change? Or were you never really able to enjoy that with him? Was that... not real?”

I could tell that the latter explanation made her feel sad for me, as if I had missed something important in my life. The answer to all of her questions, I suspected, was yes. It was... complicated. I have no way of knowing what I would have been like if I had never gotten into Charles Franklin’s car. But I did know that when I read magazines likeCosmoorElle, or overheard women gossiping about sex at the parties I catered, I didn’t feel like I was as comfortable with sex—or as happy about it, or as eager for it—as I was supposed to be. It’s not as if I hated it, or even disliked it. I enjoyed the closeness of it, and had learned to appreciate the physical pleasure that came with it. I just didn’tneedit or necessarily want it, other than as an indication that my marriage was normal—thatIwas normal.

I saw no reason to explain all of that to Susanna right now, because her first question was the one that really mattered. Yes, something had changed in my relationship with Jason.

I decided to tell her. If I was going to tell anyone, it should be Susanna. “The last time we were together was three years ago, and I freaked out.”

“What do you mean? Like a flashback?”

I was surprised that she used that precise word. I had only spoken to her once about my flashbacks, and only for the purpose of explaining why I had no interest in writing a book, doing an interview, or going to therapy.Other than the rareflashback...

“I don’t know,” I said. “Sort of. But it was bad. I cried, and we fought, and—” I was surprised at how upset I was getting, remembering what had happened that night.

“Sex with your husband shouldn’t make you cry. If you were having a hard time, because of what you went through, he should have understood. And sometimes people simply aren’t in the mood. It doesn’t have to be a whole thing.”

“He—I don’t think he knew.”

“He didn’t know what?”

“That I didn’t want to—” I was shaking my head, beginning to cry.

“Angela, please, it’s me. Just tell me. If Jason did something to you that you didn’t want him to do—”

I heard the front door open, followed by the sound of voices. Jason was back from his meeting with Olivia, and Colin was with him. I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve and put on a smile.

Jason paused to give me a quick kiss on the head and to say hello to Susanna, and then headed upstairs. He closed the door of his den.

I asked Colin how the meeting with Olivia went.

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