Page 103 of That's Not My Name

“No. Everything else. I’m glad you’re okay, but I don’t want to hear that me loving Lola saved you because it didn’t save her. She was the reason I got in the car and did what I did, and it was all for nothing, because she was dead before I even left this town. And maybe if I left to look for her sooner, I might have saved herandprevented you from going through this at all.”

The stinging in my eyes becomes full tears for the first time inweeks. I wipe my face with the sleeves of my sweatshirt and let out a breath. “I can’t function, Madison. I can’t go to school. I can’t sleep. I barely eat. Everywhere I look is a memory of her, a reminder that I failed her.”

Grief splits my rib cage and I don’t know what to do with it. I kick a rock and watch it tumble down the ramp and into the water with aplunk.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I don’t want to upset you or make today harder. If you want to be alone, I can respect that, and I’ll even tell Autumn to give you space. I’m not sure how much good it’ll do, but I’ll tell her anyway.”

I roll my eyes.

“And if you want, I’ll go back to my mom’s car, and you’ll never hear from me again—but you absolutely did what you set out to do. You brought her home. You went to find her and you came back with answers. You brought her family closure. That’s not a small thing. If you need to grieve, do it however you need to, but taking off for Alton wasn’t for nothing. You saved me, you saved countless other girls who look like me and Lola, and you saved nine families from a lifetime of questions.”

“I don’t want to hear this. I can’t hear this. I wanted to saveher.”

Madison grabs my hands and forces me to look at her. “Did you know the police found two computers stashed in a duffel bag in his van? They went through everything on them, and they told my mom that Wayne’s search for me began the day after Lola disappeared. The next day, Drew. That means Lola was dead almost before anyone knew she was missing.”

I feel like she’s slapped me in the face. I rip my hands from her grasp.

“Nobody could have saved her. Nobody. And that’s not your fault,it’s Wayne’s, and now he’s dead too and the world is a brighter, better place for it. You didn’t fail Lola.”

I shake my head because all I can see is her angrily slamming the door to the Trooper and stomping off into the darkness. Into Wayne’s waiting hands. “She wouldn’t have been taken in the first place if it wasn’t for me,” I whisper.

“That’s bullshit! Wayne followed us for days, for weeks before he took us. That was his pattern, because he was a piece of shit, and he did horrible things. They have him on a few different security cameras watching me for at least two weeks before he grabbed me at my apartment mailbox. If he didn’t take her that night, it would have been the next one. Or the next week.”

If he didn’t take her that night, it would have been the next one.

Suddenly, I can’t stop crying. Madison wraps me in a hug and holds tight for a long time. And I let her.

The idea that Lola was doomed no matter what is horrific and awful and somehow weightless in a way I didn’t expect. I’ve been so hyperfocused on how our lives would have been different if I hadn’t broken up with her. If I drove her home and made sure she got inside safely that night. Like my actions alone led her to a grave in the woods, but I never thought about Wayne taking her from school the next day, or while she raked leaves in her front yard. Madison’s ripped the blame from me and placed it back with Wayne.

“Madison?”

She lets me go, and I look over at the silver sedan parked beside the Trooper. An anxious Ms. Perkins stands outside the driver’s side door—not that I blame her. I’m surprised she even let Madison come within fifty miles of this haunted place.

Madison gives her mom a thumbs up. “She’s still superoverprotective.”

Ms. Perkins smiles so bright it feels like a knife sliding into my chest. I hear her in the hospital the day we were rescued, wailing when she was finally reunited with her daughter. Hours later, she doubled back to my exam room, shoved my dads out of the way, and hugged me fiercely, sobbingthank yous into my hospital gown.

I have to look away from her before I lose it again. I clear my throat and meet Madison’s gaze instead. It’s getting easier to look at her. “Good. Do me a favor, and never get the mail again.”

A laugh escapes her. “Never. Never again.”

Her laugh is different too.

You’re not Lola.

No…I’m not.

“Will you do me a favor?” I ask. The words escaping my mouth as the idea forms.

She nods. “Sure. Anything.”

I hold up a finger for her to wait, and I walk to the Trooper. I grab the cupcake and a lighter and bring them back to the boat launch. “This has been sitting on my dash for hours, and I can’t bring myself to light it. I wanted to do something for her. Make it meaningful. But I don’t know how.”

Madison’s face lights up. “I can help with that.”

She goes over to her mom. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but her mom roots around in the backseat. She hands something to Madison, and my stomach hits the ground when I see what it is.

Madison runs back and pulls me down by the water. She spreads out Lola’s jacket on the concrete—keeping it safely out of reach of the waves. She sits on one side, and I sit on the other, carefully placing the cupcake in the middle of the fabric. I reach out and light the candle. Thebreeze from the river tries to put it out, but I cup my hands around it.

---