Page 97 of Goaltender Interference

“Don’t do it, Miles.”

“You know I have to.”

“Fuck,” Matt said, and looked back down at the marble tabletop. “I mean, you don’t, really.”

“Come on. Mom and Dad would fucking kill me if I got dinner with you and didn’t ask.”

Matt heaved a long sigh, because even though he wasn’t happy about it, it was true. They’d always had an easier time cowing Miles into compliance. “Okay. Fine. What do you want to ask?”

“Things with Campbell. Over for good this time?”

Matt brushed his fingers over the marble and wished the waiter had bought out the wine already. He could have gone for a drink right then. “It looks like it.”

“Fuck.Jesus. I’m sorry. You want me to...?”

“I don’t want you to anything, Miles,” Matt said. He felt suddenly deflated and exhausted. “You threatening him never helped anything. You know I appreciate knowing you’re in my corner. But we’re not twenty-five anymore, for fuck’s sake.”

“It’s just... I hate himso much, Matt. He’s hurt you so much over the years. It’s just...it’s not fair. You didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

“No,” Matt agreed. “But I don’t think anyone does.”

“Look at you, all philosophical,” Miles muttered, and fell silent as the serverdidcome out with the wine. They both waited while she poured. Then Matt waited while Miles gathered his thoughts together. Miles said, eventually, “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” It was the honest answer. “I thought everything was going pretty well. I mean, notwell, he was clearly still fucking...depressed. Retirement has been really hard for him. But things with us were... Jesus, as good as they’d ever been. I think maybe...he thought he was saving me from something. Fromhim.”

“What a self-absorbed fucking asshole,” Miles said, before he could stop himself.

“Please don’t talk about him like that.” Matt was surprised by how mild his voice sounded. “Aiden is—was—is—very important to me.”

“You’re really still going to fucking defend him? After he did this to you?Again?”

“That’s the thing.” Matt regretted this dinner more and more as it went on, even though the wine was good and the food would be excellent. “I don’t hatehim. It’s—it’s hard. I’m notgoing to lie, it’s been really hard. And he handled it badly. But I just... I can’t hate him, Miles. I’ve loved him for so fucking long I don’t think I can feel any other way about him. And it’s just... I don’t think he could really help it. Whatever’s going on in his head, it’s pretty bad. And I was doing my best. But I’m only one guy. And my best wasn’t good enough.”

Miles was staring at him, wordlessly. “I don’t even know what to say, man.”

“You don’t need to say anything,” Matt said, and smiled up at the server as she brought over the first of their appetizers. He waited for her to move away again before looking at Miles. His brother had always had a bit of a baby face, despite the scar on his cheek that he’d had since they were kids. Matt had been responsible for it, by accident. They’d been roughhousing in the basement, a little too hard, and his face had hit the edge of a metal filing cabinet. “It’s just... I don’t know, Miles. Maybe I’m just getting older and I’m tired, but it’s just, I can’t control what he does. I can only control whatIdo. And I don’t have any regrets about any of this. Nothing that happened over the last few months.”

“None?”

Matt poked at the food with his fork. “Is it weird to say that even though it ended badly, I’m glad it happened? It was kind of like... I’ve been wondering about him for all of these years. What he’s like. What he’s doing. Whether he’d still fall in love with me. It’s felt like an itch I can never really scratch. And this has been kind of a weird closure. In a way. He’s still the same in so many ways. And whatever he did, I know he does still love me. Probably too much.”

“Both of you are fucking crazy,” Miles said, and swallowed a huge mouthful of wine. “You always have been. You’re not evenangry?”

Matt thought about coming back to the condo on New Year’s, and sighed. He’d given in, briefly. But he would be better now. “‘Pain is the opposite of strength, and so is anger. Both are things we suffer from, and yield to.’”

Miles glared at him. “Don’t you fucking quote Marcus Aurelius at me, Matthew. Jesus Christ, I don’t even know how the fuck I’m going to explain this to Mom and Dad.”

“You don’t have to explain it. All you have to do is tell them I’m okay,” Matt said, and he was surprised to find, as he was saying it, that it was absolutely true.

“You’reokay? Matty, bud, the last time this happened you had to go into player assistance.”

Matt bit down his frustration. “I’m not the person I was back then. You know this.You’renot the same person you were back then either—you’re a husband and a father and a veteran. It’s kind of shitty that you just assume I’d lose it like that again.”

“Sorry,” Miles said, looking down. “I know it’s not fair, it’s just... I love you, man. I worry about you all of the fucking time.”

“You don’t have to. Really. I don’t think I even realized it before we started talking about this, but Iamfine.”

They ate without speaking for a few minutes, neither of them willing to be the one to break the silence. Matt thought about a lot of things in that time: how much Miles cared about him but how little he knew how to properly express it, the way that his whole family had frozen him in time like some kind of amber-stuck bug in the middle of an existential crisis, and Aiden, wherever he was, whether he was happy or sad or whether he was eating enough. Matt really hoped he was eating enough.

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