Page 18 of Goaltender Interference

“We didn’t exactly do a lot of talking.”

“I was trying, but it’s not fuckingeasy, Aiden, especially when you wouldn’t let me. But I wanted to fucking, I don’t know, apologize. To tell you if you weren’t comfortable with anything we did, I’m sorry for pushing. And to tell you, uh, I’ve been divorced for two years, in case you didn’t know.”

He knewnow, but he hadn’t thought about it at the time beyond noting the lack of a wedding ring, which Aiden certainly knew meant nothing. He didn’t like realizing that he hadn’t thought about it. “In case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t exactly turning you away.”

“I know, but it was—fuck, I can’t stop thinking about it. Aboutyou. It was like no time had gone by at all when I was with you. And now I feel so fucking old.”

Aiden exhaled. “I’m sorry I kicked you out. I wish I hadn’t, I just, I’ve been—it’s been fucking hell. Trying to adjust to life without hockey, to figure out what the hell I’m doing, it’s been...and then to see you like that...”

Matt’s breath sounded a little ragged. There was a long silence on the other end of the line. “It’s been a weird decade, huh?”

“Yeah. I—how are you?” He almost wanted to laugh:how are you.Such a banal fucking question, after all of that time and all of their history.

“I mean, I’m okay. I guess. No complaints about the career. But my knee’s been giving me some trouble again, no idea what the fuck I’m going to do about my contract extension...you know. The usual.”

Aiden thought about his last season, his weak knee and hip huge pains in the ass no matter how he stretched before games. The inevitable countdown until one or both of them gave out again. “More than you know.”

They sat silent for a long time. It was almost 2:30 in the morning now, but Aiden was wide awake. He listened to Matt’s quiet breath and remembered all of the other nights of his life he’d done the exact same thing, in New York, in Winnipeg, in hundreds of anonymous hotel rooms while Matt was in Montreal or Hamilton or somewhere across the continent.

It had always felt comforting then. A lifeline. No matter what was happening around him, no matter how chaotic his life hadgotten, there was Matt’s steady, warm breath, just a phone call away. Now it just felt like a bitter reminder of all of the years he’d lost. And yet, the thought of losing even this connection...

“Are you living in New York in the offseason now?”

“Yeah, I...well. It was easier than going home, after a while.”

“I mostly stay in Montreal. Same reason.” Matt hesitated. “Aiden...are you okay?”

He’d never really been able to lie to Matt. “No. Not really. Not having anything to do? It’s pretty terrifying and kind of lonely, actually.”

“You’re not seeing anyone?”

“What the fuck, Matt, I wouldn’t have let you do that if I’d been seeing anyone.”

“Would you have? You didn’t ask about my marriage, I just—”

“I should go.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you should. It’s late.”

“Matt...”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing. Good night.”

Chapter Three

August

It had been fucking stupid to do it, Matt knew that much. For all of his high-minded talk about going cold turkey he’d just mainlined it instead. After he’d hung up, he couldn’t fall asleep. It was like the rush of adrenaline that he felt after a game, one of the really good games where he was on the ice with a one-goal lead and the goalie pulled as the final seconds ticked down, and the other team just couldn’t even it up.

Those were the kinds of nights he’d always wished that he and Aiden had lived in the same city because he always had the urge to go home and fuck it out. They’d usually had to settle for phone sex.

And now, just a conversation had thrown him off of the rails. He tried jerking off, but that just made it worse, because all he could think about was Aiden that last night in New York, his hands twisted in Matt’s hair and his voice shaking when he told Matt what he wanted. When hebeggedfor it.

All of the complicated emotions he’d felt in New York were still bubbling there under the surface, but for all that he knew it was a stupid thing he’d done and an even stupider thing to hope, he couldn’t help it. Eventually, he got up to wash his hands and splash cold water on his face, and then just got up. He went up the stairs to the roof of his condo building and watched the sunrise and tried to figure out what to do with the rest of his day.

Jammer was back in town earlier than expected. He’d recently broken up with his poet girlfriend and decided that the best wayto get over her was to get onto the ice, a thought process Matt could definitely understand.

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