Page 61 of Home Ice Advantage

The air between them was vibrating with tension, the kind of sympathetic ache that had never been there before. Murph had always been easy. The easiest thing in Ryan’s life, the one thing that had always been predictable, that had always made sense. And now everything was wrong, and he had to look back on their years together in a completely different light. Because Murph was being honest and Shannon had been right.

The friendship he’d had with Murph wasn’t a regular friendship at all. It had never been. Right from the beginning when they’d battled each other along the boards in elementary school and Murph had laughed after knocking Ryan on his ass and Ryan had thought, right then and there, that he would do almost anything to make Murph look at him again. There had always been something else, simmering beneath the surface, and they’d both been too blind or too frightened by what it meant to look at it directly. It was easy not to look at it, in a sport as straight as hockey, when girls were so easy to meet and everyone got married so young.

Murph, who was looking at the ground again, saying, “I don’t know what it means. I love Tara. I love my kids. I have a good life with them in Dallas, you know? I’m not...discounting that. I’m not expecting anything beyond that.”

“I mean—I have the Beacons, and Eric, I wouldn’t...”

“I know. I wouldn’t expect you to. That’s the thing, Sully, you know I’m like... I’m really fucking proud of you, for everything you’ve done, for everything you’re doing. This team. The staff. You’re really building something here. I should have told you earlier, before I—Jesus, Sully. I didn’t even mean to do this tonight. Ever. You were just looking at me with those fucking big eyes and I...”

Any other time, Ryan would have embraced him, would have pulled him into a bear hug and hung on until he felt better. That was the thing about Murph; he had huge arms and he gave the best hugs, the kind of hugs that made everything else feel secondary. He couldn’t do that now. “Murph... I don’t want to lose our friendship. Ican’tlose our friendship. You’re the most important person in the world to me. You always have been—nothing’s changed about that.”

“I’ll always be your friend,” Murph said. He looked sideways at Ryan, like facing him head-on was too painful. Headlights too bright to see. “I can’t lose that either. I’m sorry I did this. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, you should have. We’ve always been honest with each other, and I...this is too big not to...”

“I just...need some time to think about it. I need some space; I just need to...” Murph looked stricken again and Ryan had to fight the urge to hug him again. “Look, can you settle the tab for me? I think I’m just—I’m just gonna go back to the hotel. I just...have to go.”

“Yes,” Ryan said, “of course, I was going to treat everyone anyway, I... Sean?”

“Yes, Ryan.”

“I’m sorry. For everything. I didn’t know. I never, I never knew.”

“How the fuck would either of us have known?” Murph asked, and he smiled. It was a sad, sickly smile.

Before Ryan could react, Murph had moved forward with all of the speed his big frame still possessed and thrown his arms around him. It was a bone-crushing hug, the kind of hug that lifted Ryan right off of his feet. Ryan took the opportunity to bury his face in Murph’s chest, because it would probably be the last time for a very long time, if he ever had the chance to do it again. Even now, Murph still smelled exactly the same as Ryan remembered, the kind of familiar sense memory that shot him right back to all of those hours spent on buses and planes and in locker rooms together, how close they’d been, all of the time, without ever knowing.

And then Murph set him back down on the ground, and it was over. They stood there, a few inches apart, staring at each other. Murph said, “If he hurts you, I’ll kill him,” and before Ryan could say,Eric would never do that, Murph had turned and fled. Ryan watched him go, weaving through the evening crowds, watched him until he couldn’t see him anymore. He was shaking, from the cold and from adrenaline, and for a second, he wished he smoked cigarettes or weed oranythingthat he could use to settle his fucking nerves.

Eventually, he realized that he had to go back inside. He walked up the steps and had to make the conscious decision to do each one.

“Are you okay?” Eric asked, concerned, when he sat back down at the table. “Where the hell is Murphy?”

Ryan didn’t know what he must have looked like. Probably like he’d seen a ghost. In a way, he had. “Uh. I’ll tell you later. After all of this. We should...” Everyone was staring at him now. “Let’s get the check, eh? My treat.”

And Ryan smiled, and took a deep breath, and prepared to go back to playing the part of the gracious host. Like his whole world hadn’t been flipped on end. Somehow, Eric’s hand on his thigh under the table, warm and comforting, was the only thing that got him through it. Somehow, he got through it. But he was a different person when it was done.

The fact that Murphy had disappeared before they’d even settled the bill was strange enough, Eric thought. Ryan smiling that fixed and fake-looking smile was stranger. He was by nature the kind of man who smiled often, but it was always genuine, always the kind of smile that reached his eyes. This one looked like he was a second away from screaming. Eric had thought about asking what was going on, but something told him that until they were alone, it would be better not to ask.

Even though Murph had driven the three of them to the restaurant, Eric and Ryan ended up walking back alone. Ryan was silent the entire time, distracted, and that too was unusual, since Ryan usually never shut the fuck up.

He was silent still when they went up the stairs to Eric’s apartment, when he headed into the bedroom without saying anything else. Eric took the time to hang up their coats and do a quick run-through of the apartment to make sure there wasn’t anything that needed to be put away, and then followed him in.

He found Ryan on the floor of the bedroom, leaning against the bed. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his chin was resting on them. He looked a million miles away, like he was anywhere but here.

Eric sat down next to him. “Ryan?”

“Yeah.”

“You, uh...want to talk about it?”

Ryan laughed, although the sound was a little wet. He turned his head so he could press his face against Eric’s shoulder. It was such a catlike gesture that Eric would have laughed, if they were in any other kind of situation.

“Murph’s in love with me.”

Eric exhaled. “Yeah, I, ah. Had kind of figured that out, too.”

“Everyone knew but me,” Ryan said, and laughed again.

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