Page 43 of Set Me On Fire

Mum was a nurse back in the day, though she’d given it up gladly when she had us. Dad made more than enough to keepher in the style she had become accustomed to, and he liked coming home to a spotless house and a warm meal. But that medical knowledge meant all of us kids had a very scientific introduction to human reproduction. There were no fannies or doodles in our house. The boys had penises and I had a vagina.

And a uterus.

I knew what the fallopian tubes did and that my womb would shed its lining in dramatic fashion every month I wasn’t pregnant.

Pregnant.

My mind stuttered on that word. That wasn’t me. I had no job, no boyfriend, and was barely keeping my house plants alive right now, so I couldn’t be…

“Antibiotics,” Mum said without further explanation, forcing Jamie to ask for one. “They can interfere with the efficacy of the pill. You’re supposed to use condoms until your next period.”

Fuck.

I had not done that. In a night of pure recklessness, I’d let three guys, whose sexual history I did not know, jizz unprotected inside me. Then, it was hot and sexy and I was having a girl’s gone wild moment, but now…

“Oh shit, no…”

I snatched the box up and stared at the instructions, not really able to read them as tears actually blurred my vision.

You fucking idiot.

I told myself that over and over as I pulled away from them, walking into the adjoining toilet and doing what was needed to take the test.

“Heather!”Dad called from deeper inside the house. “Heather?”

We didn’t reply, huddling around a stick I’d just peed on instead.

“Not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant,” I chanted under my breath, Jamie taking up the refrain.

“Whatever the result, you know we’re here to support you,” Mum said. “Whatever you decide. If you want a termination, I’ll talk to some people I know, find out where the best place to go is, or if you want to…”

“Two lines…” Jamie barely breathed that out before looking at me. “That’s good, right?”

“Depends.” My voice was little more than a toad’s croak. “How do you feel about becoming an auntie?”

“Auntie?” Jamie blinked, obviously just as dumbstruck as me, but Mum rushed forward.

“You…?”

Now she was bloody crying and trying really hard not to, which was setting me off again. I let out a helpless sob because I didn’t know what the hell I was feeling. Mother? I was going to become a mother? Some small person would look at me and expect me to know how everything worked, just like I did my mum? The idea was so ridiculous it took my breath away, and yet…

I wanted to.

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Raised on stories about how Dad spied Mum behind the bar at a pub, then it was love at first sight, I always expected it to be the same for me. Half the reason why I was so caught up in Noah at school was because I thought he was the one. The one who’d take one look at me and know I was the one he wanted to marry. He’d sweep me off my feet, just like Dad did Mum, not letting anything get in the way of being with me.

But I never got that.

Were there fuckboys back in the 90s? I never asked Mum, but there were now. Pretty sure she never got ghosted either. Not catfished, nor love bombed, or guys pretending they were in an open relationship, when really they were fucking around on their wives. Mum had made it seem so simple, but in reality, it wasn’t.

My hand slid down and came to rest on my stomach.

I supported a woman’s right to choose, but going to my doctor and asking for a termination? That felt wrong for me. Right now, there was just a tiny cluster of cells in my womb, and yet I felt strangely protective of them.

My independence was legendary in my family. Being prepared to do everything myself was the only way I could keep up with my brothers. In some ways, it was a good thing, making me tough, resilient.

Because I’d need it if I was going to be a single mother.

“Yeah.” I nodded sharply, unable to stop. “I think I’m ready to become a mum.”

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