Page 95 of Set Me On Fire

This couldn’t be true. It couldn’t. He couldn’t have been nursing a crush all that time. My mind fought to process what he was saying, to reconcile it with what I knew of the world, but the two worldviews clashed. There was me, Millie, on the dating apps and occasionally going out with some guy I met at the pub, resigned to the fact it would never go anywhere, because it didn’t. I was ghosted, they flaked, or I was given just enough attention to keep me coming back for more, but nothing like this. Not one of those guys chose me.

Like Noah was saying he did me.

“Because I’m fucking gutless, Millie.” His eyes met mine, staring straight into my soul. “I need you to know that before you make any further decisions. I let your brothers get in the way of us and when they lost interest, I took over.” His hands went to grab at my shoulders, but they hovered there instead. “Wanting was easier than having in my mind. If you stayed up here.” He tapped his forehead. “I’d never have to answer for my mistakes.” A long sigh escaped him. “You’d never reject me.”

“Like you did me.”

I didn’t want to stir up this shit, but that was a naive wish. He was right, the past did have to die. But before it went to its grave, we’d give it a send-off, and that would determine the nature of our relationship going forward.

“Like I did that day in the hall.” He nodded slowly, as if he could see it just as clearly as I did. “I see that moment over and over in my head and it kills me every time. I was a fucking coward. I did the weak thing and backed off when I should’ve stepped up. I should’ve fought for you.”

“You should’ve.” That croaked out from the depths of my soul. “You should’ve, Noah.” I wasn’t sure if it was because I was tired, full, or just unable to hold this shit back anymore. I wanted to move past it, I really, really did. “When you turned your back on me.”

“Millie—”

“When you rejected me in front of everyone.”

“I’m sorry?—”

I shook my head sharply, feeling the tears coming, but forged on.

“You set a blueprint for my life that all other guys followed.” He stopped then, really listening. “I did date, go out and see other guys. I had relationships, hookups.” He flinched at that. “Situationships, you name it, and I’ve done it, but each time they ended the same way.” I pulled back then, unable to bear to be close to him while I said this, but his grip tightened. Instead, I was forced to stare at the dark wall of his chest, breathing in his musky, smoky scent. “They weren’t that into me. They didn’t want to take things further, didn’t see me that way.”

“Millie—”

“They didn’t choose me.”

I snapped that out, surprised at the anger, the fear, the misery in that statement. I didn’t let that shit get to me, did I? Apparently, I had.

“Then they’re fucking idiots, just like me.” His touch was much more tentative now, but he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I was a fucking idiot, and I think I know why. Deep down I knew I was never good enough for you, Millie, and yourbrothers gave me an out. I’d never break my own heart if I didn’t even try.” He swallowed hard. “Nor yours.”

“What about now?”

It felt weird, demanding answers, but I had to. Having a child, it made everything clearer. I could let myself go on dates with dudes I wasn’t even that interested in, but my child? She or he deserved people in their life that would love them, treat them right, show them the good in the world.

Just like my parents did for me.

“What about now, Noah? No one will tell you that having a kid is easy. Co-parenting seems like a minefield and you want to add dating to the mix? That makes it harder again.” I wasn’t pulling a single punch as I hit him with point after point, daring him to pull back and walk away. “And what if I decide to date all three of you guys?” I clung to that idea, liking it a lot. It felt like I had options, something to fall back on if things went to shit. “What if I want Knox and Charlie too?”

“Then you’ll have them.” His hand shook as he stroked my face. “Anything you want, I’ll make sure you get it, because I’m done being scared. I know I have to prove myself to you. We all do. You’ve been hurt and it fucking kills me that I was the one that started all of that, but…”

He moved closer, his mouth hovering over mine, and for a moment, our breath mingled.

“One thing I’ve learned in my line of work is people fuck shit up all the time, no matter what their intention. All you can do is do better next time. I want to do better, Millie.”

There was a war inside me. One half couldn’t work out what to do if he managed that, the other terrified he’d fail before he even started, and that’s when I began to understand his point of view and even my brothers. Every time I swiped right, every time I started chatting with someone, every time I agreed to go out on a date was an act of bravery. I dared to put myselfout there knowing that more times than not someone would be rejected, but I was getting so damn tired. Of trying, hoping, wanting, and failing and that had me stepping away from him.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

My hands hung limply by my side.

“The three of us?” he asked cautiously.

“No, all of it.” I was like an egg he’d cracked, but instead of a healthy yellow yolk inside, I was greenish grey and rotten. I was oozing over everything, making a mess, but all I could do was look up into his eyes. “What if this doesn’t work out?” Why the hell hadn’t I thought this last night? Because I was too caught up in the relief of finally unburdening myself to see it. Each one of them was a risk, to me, to my child. “What if we don’t like each other?”

“That will never be an issue on my end, Millie.”

He tried to move closer, but I shied away. Part of me felt like this had come too late.

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