Page 55 of Set Me On Fire

She smiled and nodded along with Brent’s spiel with all the deference of a new employee. The old prick said he had hired someone, but he didn’t bother to mention who.

“Boys, you remember Millie McDonald,” he said now as he brought her over to our truck. “She’s our new admin hire.”

Chapter 28

Millie

Tell them.

That’s what I said to myself over and over once I got home from the family Christmas. Tell them, tell them, tell them. It was enough to get my phone out, to navigate over to my contacts, but… not much else. I looked at Noah’s message, then Charlie’s, and pussied out.

At first, I was just in denial, stress cleaning because apparently I couldn’t have a baby unless my tile grout was perfectly clean. Then I started to Google furiously the different ingredients in cleaning products, sure I was somehow harming my child in the very early days of my pregnancy. That sent me down a rabbit hole I didn’t emerge from for days, but when I did, I was faced with the same reality.

I needed to call each man and let them know what was happening.

It was like notifying a sexual partner of a STD. I winced at the idea of my child being perceived as an infection, but I guess that tracked. It was what I assumed was an unwanted side effect of a fun night, and that had me nestling down on my couch. Iwrapped the blankets around me, creating a nest as I cradled my stomach, because I knew what I was doing.

Protecting myself.

Protecting us–that correction hit deeper. From my frenzied research I had gleaned that babies can hear what was happening beyond the womb. The fact my child didn’t have a skull, let alone ears, didn’t dissuade me. I needed to keep him or her from hearing the words.

What’re you telling me this for?Or worse,What do you want me to do about it?

Nothing, I argued with imaginary Knox, Charlie, or Noah.I want nothing more than to just fulfil this duty. You’re only a father if you want to be.

Then I moved from denial to anger.

They could reject me all they liked. I didn’t care, I’d already rejected them, but my child? I scowled at the television, not seeing the stupid reality TV show, but them. This was a tiny little baby. Who could reject a child that needed them? If they didn’t have the balls to step up, then they didn’t deserve a second of my time. I marinated in that anger until finally I remembered that I hadn’t asked them anything because I didn’t have the balls to make three damn calls.

This was when I began to bargain.

I could havea lovely double-coated Tim Tam biscuit if I made the call, or a walk on the beach. A walk on a beach covered with Tim Tams, but nothing had my hand moving towards my phone. People rang and I just let the phone go to message bank, glancing at the screen to see who it was, but nothing more. If I touched it, then I’d have to do it.

Singing “do it” over and over in my head didn’t work. Pretending to be Shia Leboeuf and screeching, “Just do it!”like the meme also didn’t help. Dancing to YMCA and forming the words “do it” badly instead of the usual movements failed to provide results. I let my phone battery go flat, silencing the phone calls and allowing me to sink into a strange kind of timelessness.

I only knew it was New Year’s when I heard the dim crackle of fireworks going off in the distance. A sharp knock at the door, then a key being pushed into it, let me know when the cocoon I’d wrapped around myself was about to be ripped away, because my door opened and in stumbled Jamie.

“So you are still alive.”I smiled weakly at her from within my pillow fort. “And you’ve created a nest. Shit, you’re in a bad way.”

“Am not,” I growled.

She plucked the remote from my limp fingers, then turned off the TV show as Hunter came walking in through the door carrying a bag of tasty smelling takeaway. My stomach rumbled ominously.

“You always do this,” Jamie said. “You get yourself all worked up and then freeze everyone else out.” She looked back at Hunt. “I told you we should’ve come by before this.”

“And I told you that we should respect Millie’s boundaries.” He put his hands on his hips as he regarded her steadily. “And treat her like a grown adult, not a thing or a possession, as you so astutely pointed out before.”

“That was when you were menacing the potential father of her child.” Jamie looked back at me. “So, is this the whole impending motherhood thing? Because that would have me rocking in a corner, nearly comatose too.”

“I’m not nearly comatose.”

So why did it hurt so much to move? Blood rushed back to extremities, making me wobbly legged and uncomfortable as I got that pins and needles feeling. Hunter surged forward and took my arm, escorting me over to the dining table.

“Did you want some pad Thai?” He talked to me in the patronising tone people used with very small children. “It’s yummy.”

“Hate you,” I growled, but my stomach made much the same noise as I dragged the takeaway containers closer. “Oh my god, chicken satays.”

“A double serving.” Jamie smiled as she pushed the other box my way.

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