Page 134 of Set Me On Fire

“Knox took me baby shopping.” I frowned. “Not shopping to buy a baby. Baby stuff, y’know.”

“I do know.”

My mother’s eyes twinkled with amusement.

“He bought up half the shop and then started talking nursery colours with me.”

“You’ve sorted out your spare room already?” she asked. “Thank goodness. That was a rat’s nest in there.”

“No.” I went quiet, gripping my glass way too hard. The condensation made it feel like it would slip free. “At his place. We talked about it, my dream of what the nursery would look like, and it was nice, y’know? Dreams always are. Then douche guy tried to trick me into thinking the guys were sending me flowers when they weren’t. I had to sneak away from work drinks to go on a date with Charlie. We were supposed to do this tree climbing thing, but then he remembered he had promised to take his nephews, so we went and picked them up.”

I glanced her way.

“They were… full on, but Charlie managed the situation really well. They had me climbing through this bloody obstacle metres up in the air.”

“Is that safe?” Mum asked.

“And then after we filled the kids full of junk food, he took me back to Knox’s.” I went quiet, expecting Mum to interject, but she just waited me out. “They’d gone and transformed the room for me, the nursery. It was perfect, just as I visualised it, except maybe for some curtains and a mosquito net.”

“Important details,” Mum said with a nod.

I shot her a dark look, well aware of what she was doing. Just wait me out, let all the poison leach out of me, and then she’d swoop in and make it all better.

Like I would when my child was old enough to come and complain to me.

My hand slid down and her eyes followed it as I continued my story much more calmly.

“They’re all being so damn perfect. Not only are they hot firefighters that rescue people, they aren’t scared of commitment or the baby. Instead, they’re jumping in, boots andall, like I’m a fire to put out or something.” I gestured vaguely at my body. “And I’m…”

What was I? Freaked the fuck out, that was clear when Knox dropped his little proposal on me. Like a few weeks from now, when I knew him, knew Noah and Charlie, and had discovered all their icks and they’d discovered mine, and we’d worked out if we were actually compatible beyond being drunk and horny… I’d have jumped at his offer to move in, because his sprawling house in the suburbs that was still close to the beach, was looking better and better.

“Scared of letting other people take control,” Mum filled in for me helpfully. “Always wanting to do everything by yourself.”

“You raised me to be a strong, independent woman that doesn’t need no man,” I told her.

“No, I raised you to be someone who loves with her whole heart and allows herself to be loved.” Mum held my gaze for several seconds before smiling. “It’s your father who became a fierce proponent for feminism. That happened the moment his little baby girl was put into his arms.”

I blinked, my stupid eyes leaking yet again, as I could see it clearly. My daddy holding me when I was all red and squishy looking, the way all newborns seemed to look.

“Thanks.” I coughed, trying to hide my croaky voice, then wash away the emotion with a long swallow of mocktail. “I know I don’t say it often enough, but…” I sidled closer, just wanting to be a little girl with her mum by her side for just a second. “I’m glad you’re my parents.”

“Oh, darling…”

Her arm went around my shoulders and she gave them a squeeze.

“I just want to be a good mum too, y’know? What if I fu—” I flushed. “Screw this up? Turn my child into some kind of Veruca Salt-esque monster? What if the guys are terrible dads?We haven’t even talked about how they want to parent yet. They might be into crying it out or smacking our kid whenever they’re naughty.”

“They wouldn’t want to.” All of a sudden Heather had left the building and Mumma Bear was in the house. She shook her head and then smiled. “These are all valid questions and ones you need an answer to, but… Do you think your father and I had all the answers when I worked out I was pregnant with Brock?”

I stared at her, seeing two Mums right now but was unable to reconcile them. One was the all knowing, all seeing earth mother who had raised me.

And the other was much younger, much less certain. It wasn’t the natural hair colour or the lack of wrinkles that made her a complete stranger. It was the fact that this much younger Mum looked a lot like me.

“Your grandmother was horrified. The shame of it all,” Mum said, slapping her hands to her face in a fair approximation of my grandmother’s more dramatic expressions. “And your father? We were miserable when we broke up, but we’d gone into the summer knowing he was here for a good time, not a long time. How do you think I felt, ringing him in Sydney to give him the news?”

“Scared…?” I squeaked out.

“Terrified.” She nodded and forged on. “I was sure he was going to hang up on me. The silence down the other end of the phone line was deafening. I understand the need to protect yourself, to believe anticipating the blow will somehow make it hurt less. I did the exact same. But…”

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