Page 107 of Set Me On Fire

“How are we today? Looking for anything in particular?”

“Um…” There were cribs lined up in neat lines and nursing chairs and prams, but there were just so many of them I didn’t know where to start. “Everything?”

I’d said the magic word apparently, the woman’s smile now genuine.

“Just found out you’re pregnant?” I nodded. “Congrats! You’re a gorgeous couple.”

I sucked in a breath to contradict that, wanting to get in before Knox did, but he just shook his head slightly. I shot him a quizzical look, demanding answers to that, but he turned back to the shop assistant.

“Thank you. It wasn’t exactly planned, so we’re a bit lost at the moment. I was looking at cribs online and saw that some can be used as both a co-sleeper and a crib on its own?”

I just stared at Knox, wondering where the hell this came from.

“You’ve done your research!” The woman seemed inordinately pleased. If this was an actual exam, he was passing with flying colours. “Some like this one can even be transformed to become a toddler bed when your little one gets a little older.”

And so began my crash course into nursery furniture.

No bumpersor anything to soften a crib due to potential for smothering a sleeping baby. Some could have the side pulled down, the bed of the crib in line with an adult bed, and I could sleepily bring the baby to my side to breast feed if that’s what I decided to do. Styling wise, there was blond wood for a Scandi feel, dark oaks to give the nursery some old-world charm, white painted ones to keep a room looking light and airy, or if I was ecologically minded, bamboo or ones made from timber that only came from plantations. No old-growth forests were cutdown to create it. A percentage of the price of the crib would go towards supporting koala rescues.

She was just being helpful, but I looked from one option to the other, for the first time in my life dizzied by choice. Knox could’ve turned me loose in any of the other boutiques on this street and I could’ve emerged with thousands of dollars of gear within minutes. I knew fashion, knew homewares, but here, I was completely at sea.

Get it together,I mentally hissed at myself.You think you want to become a mother? Pretty sure your child can’t sleep in one of your shoe boxes!

“Can you give us a moment?” Knox asked the woman.

“Of course.” She started to back away. “But, just know it’s perfectly natural to feel a little overwhelmed. I’ll put together a stack of brochures for you to take.”

I barely noticed her leave, focussed now on my breathing. I’d had a bit of asthma as a kid and that’s what it felt like now. My chest was tight and no matter how hard I sucked in breaths, my lungs didn’t fully inflate.

“Take a breath.”

Knox’s voice was deep and steady, a complete contrast to mine.

“Trying to…” I gasped out.

“This was too much.” He pulled me close and stroked my back and that helped a lot. “I may or may not have been told I’m a bit full on.”

Suddenly, I wasn’t focussed on my breathing, but him. I looked up and frowned slightly at his expression. He was always so grumpy that his vulnerability took me by surprise.

“No—”

“Yes.” He nodded sharply. “I’m sorry, Millie. I’ve just been going out of my mind since you made the announcement and the only way I can cope is to do something.” His eyes met mine. “I started on the nursery. You might not want to move in. You’ve got a nice place of your own, I’m sure. One that’s a whole lot less grey. I can set up an account here, and you can come by with some friends at some point when you’re ready.”

“No.”

He stared into my eyes.

“No?”

“No.” I shook my head and then took a full breath in, my chest loosening up. “You want to build a living, breathing Pinterest board for our baby.” I nodded. “I do too. It’s just…” Somehow with him I could admit this. Perhaps because he was already one hundred percent in on becoming a father, I had the space to experience my own concerns. “This is happening fast and I feel completely unprepared, and that’s not how I do things. I go into every situation knowing what I’m getting myself into and…” I looked around at the store, and it felt like a foreign country I’d decided to visit on a whim. Did I have a passport? Permission to be here? Would I be well received? I blinked and then focussed back on Knox. “I’m feeling a little lost. That’s not what mothers are supposed to feel.”

“You’re going to become a mother,” he reminded me gently, “and that’s how you feel, so while I think you are very special–”

“You think I’m special?” I said that as joke, but the way his eyes heated up had me thinking other things.

“Very, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, I dare say other women have felt the same.”

I could imagine a whole legion of flustered women looking at different cribs and just being the next one in line was strangely reassuring.

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