Page 68 of The First Love Myth

His scent surrounds me, and my body relaxes into the familiar and the known. We fit. We’ve always fit. I hold on to him, afraid to let go. Afraid to look into his eyes and know a different truth. Because now that he’s standing in front of me, I’m not ready. I’m not sure I will ever be ready for this moment.

He pulls back, and his blue eyes lock on mine. He smiles again, and then his lips are on mine. I’m too shocked to pull away. My lips part, and the tiniest flare of something goes through me. This kiss is not quick or congratulatory. It’s wanting and longing and territorial. I let him deepen the kiss, and I can’t lie. I feel it. His tongue dances with mine, and his fingers tangle in my hair, and he does all the things I like, but the kindling doesn’t catch. My desire washes away, and another kiss that almost always tastes like coffee comes to mind. I picture Spencer’s strong hands soft on my body, and I can’t banish them. Julian is kissing me, but I’m with Spencer.

I pull back too quickly, putting my hands out between us to ward off any further attempts at kissing. “Jules.”

“Sorry.” He at least has the gumption to look ashamed. “It’s just... We’re having a baby, and I’ve missed you.”

I swallow the fact that he’s come from vacation with another woman. Julian only sees the story he wants to see, and for him, it doesn’t matter that he was probably dick deep in someone else a few days ago because he’s here now, and all is right in his world.How did I ever mistake this obliviousness for romance?

He reaches for my hand, and it feels heavy in mine, as if we’re no longer holding each other up, but he’s weighing me down.

“This summer has been the worst, Liz. I’m glad it’s over.”

Something unfurls inside me. A weight drops, and the fogs clears. My heart aches and soars in equal parts. And between one blink and the next, I know.

“I want a divorce.”

Julian’s jaw goes slack, and he steps away from me. My words blindsided him, though they shouldn’t have. Maybe if there wasn’t a baby or if he didn’t build this fake rom-com in his head where that fact magically put us back together or if he spent a moment of this summer considering that I might not come home, he would’ve been at least partially prepared for those four words. But that’s not Julian.

“But we’re having a baby,” he says pointedly.

I press my hands to my stomach. “We don’t have to be married to have a baby together.”

His expression goes from confused to annoyed in an instant. His eyes darken, and lines crinkle his forehead. “I won’t let you keep this baby from me.”

“That’s not what I want,” I say calmly. “This is our baby. We can co-parent or something. But we... I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” he asks, his voice rising. “Be married to me? Love me?”

“You don’t want to be married to me, Jules.” I consider taking a step toward him, but his expression is hard. Instead, I walk into the living room and sit in the armchair. Julian follows but doesn’t sit. He stands behind the couch. In a minute, he’llbe pacing. “You think you do. You always have, and you always come back. But you also always leave.”

“And you never let me forget it.”

Is that true? I’ve spent the last five years since the wedding purposely not making him feel that way. The ring sealed the deal and the drama of our past with it. But maybe I haven’t done as good a job as I thought.

“You just came from vacation with another woman,” I say, annoyance tinging my words. “Do you honestly want me to believe you haven’t been fucking Sheila this whole time?”

He stiffens at the accusation but doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t even try. “As if you didn’t sleep with anyone else this summer.”

I wonder for a second how he knows. I kept Spencer as close to the vest as possible without making him feel like a secret, and I didn’t tell anyone we had sex except Zoey. And yet, Julian is looking at me smugly, as if he’s certain.

“You weren’t exactly subtle about it either,” he says. “My friends saw you down the shore all over another guy.”

Sorryis about to come out of my mouth, but I swallow it down. I have nothing to be sorry for. “And did you tell them we were separated because you decided to have an emotional affair?”

“Seriously?” he asks, his eyes flaring.

“You always think there’s something better out there. Better than me—your wife, your muse.” My voice cracks toward the end because it’s true. Julian is always searching for something, and he always will be. “I won’t spend my life picking up the pieces and making excuses and wondering who the next Sheila will be. I deserve more than half your heart.”

His expression changes to one of pensiveness. He crosses his arms, not liking whatever answer he’s come up with in his mind. “Is this abouthim?”

An image of Spencer splayed out on a beach towel passes through my mind. I could love him, but this isn’t about him. “No, this is about our daughter. I want you to be a part of her life, Jules. I want us to find a way to be friends and raise her together, but...”

“But what?”

I stand and fix him with a stare so intense he straightens from leaning on the back of the couch. “But if you hurt her by disappearing like you’ve done to me our entire relationship, that’s it. No second chances.”

“I would never do that to our daughter.”

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