Page 100 of Breathe Again

This session proved to be just as rigorous as the first one. We covered my worsening emotional turbulence concerning Zale and my fear that he didn’t really love me, my growing sadness at the realization that I’d never have a real relationship with my mother, and my sense of loss and sense of just being lost. At the end, he sat back in his chair, his fingers steepled under his chin.

“I’m concerned. Your blood pressure is up, and from what you’ve explained your stress level at home has increased with your daughter’s struggles, the changes you’re trying to make, your husband’s detachment from this issue, your difficulty with attending to your work as of late, your difficulties with your mother, and you’re also not sleeping well?”

“I’ve always suffered from insomnia but it’s worse lately, not every night, but definitely happening more often.”

“Okay. It’s really quite important that you bring down your stress level. What can you do to decrease your stress level for the next couple of weeks?”

“Um,” I tried to think of something. “I could take a break from visiting with my mother? Take a few days off homeschooling? Do more self-care?”

He leaned forward. “Do all of those things. You’ve got a lot going on, and the emotional work you’re doing is not easy. Keep in touch if things get worse. I don’t want you ending up in hospital, and you’re closer to that than I’m comfortable with.” He looked at me assessing. “Will you tell your husband what’s going on?”

“I will.”

“Make an appointment for three months from now. Call the office sooner than that if you’re struggling and continue with Erin. You’re a fighter, Mara. I have faith in you.”

Willa had taken Olivia to her place because she needed to have access to her tools and supplies for work. She assured me that while she had to work, having Olivia with her would be a pleasure, and she had no tight deadline looming over her.

“Hey, Mara. How’d it go?”

“Just finished. I’m on my way, okay?” I wanted to get Olivia out of her hair.

“Tell me how it went first while you can. Olivia’s fine and I already finished what I needed to get done for today.”

“It went okay. He’s concerned about the level of stress I’m under, some of it necessary stress like learning new coping skills, becoming more aware of Mom’s behaviors, homeschooling through Livvy’s moods, Zale working more hours…he lost two experienced staff members yesterday and got three newer people so he’s not terribly happy either.”

“Back to you, Mara, what else did the doctor say?”

I sighed. “Don’t freak out. He’s concerned I’m going to have a breakdown. Told me to do what I need to do to reduce my stress level over the next little while.”

“Okay. Take the day. I’ll be so happy to have Birdy today. You can double check with her, too. But take the day, Merry. It’s a start.”

“Thank you. If my little bird is okay then I’ll do that, try to get my work organized, take a nap maybe.”

“Do that. What else can you do?”

“I’m going to take a break from visiting Mom and take a few days off homeschooling. Not much more I can do.”

“It’s a good start. I can help.”

“I don’t want to put too much on you, Willa.”

“You’re not and I want to. Love you, Merry.”

“Love you, Willa. Truly. Now, let me have a quick word with my little bird.”

Olivia twittered happily about staying with her aunt, so I headed home.

The house was suffocatingly quiet. Almost spooky. I hated being on my own without warning.

I felt unreasonable fear when alone, while my mind reached for logic, my body was convinced someone or something bad was coming for me. I’d even imagined things coming out of the mirror, chasing me up the basement stairs, or hiding behind the shower curtain.

I shook it off and locked the doors, put on the alarm for the house, and turned up my music. After dancing to a little Rihanna, Pink and Beyonce, I settled at my desk to work on my laptop and drink my coffee. Despite my trouble with writing over the past few weeks, I had a breakthrough, and the distraction worked wonders to combat the solitude.

At four o’clock I packed it in and started poking around in the kitchen for dinner inspiration. The front door opened, and the alarm screeched. My heart pounded hard in my chest and my pulse skittered in fear. I heard Zale’s, ‘What the fuck’, and then the beeps as he entered the code into the keypad. I took a deep breath.

“Hi, honey.” I stood where he could see me from the front door.

“Why’s the alarm on?”

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