Page 91 of Breathe Again

“We should have had it in the summer though. Spring would have been perfect, Rebecca has that right at least. In the Spring you could have worn long sleeves to cover your arms and you wouldn’t havehad to wear that fluffy cape. I hated that horrible thing. It added at least forty pounds to your frame.”

I loved that cape. It was thick and fluffy, and Zale spread it over our bed and lay me down on it the first time we made love as husband and wife. It was difficult to hang onto that memory when she constantly talked about how fat I looked in it. Zale had called me a snow queen. I thought about that instead of answering her.

She waited expectantly. This usually never failed to get a reaction, but since I’d accepted that she had narcissistic tendencies, I had started to recognize her behaviors earlier, behaviors that only served to convince me further of her toxicity. Before I’d been too busy reacting or defending to catch what she was doing. I still had to resist that automatic response, but I saw more clearly, and I was gathering evidence, evidence that might one day allow me to break free. I let the silence drag on.

I looked at the time. I needed to leave.

“I’m going to have to let you go, mom, I have to leave for my appointment now.”

“So, for sure you can’t drive us on Saturday.”

“Hire a taxi, Mom. It’s not a big deal.”

“That’s rude, Mara,” she reprimanded me sharply.

“I have to go, Mom. I’ll talk to you another time. Have a good day.”

“I didn’t raise you like this, Mara. When a family member needs something, you step up,” she snapped.

I laughed, I actually laughed out loud. “A craft fair is not a need. However, I need to leave now, or I'll be late. I’d rather not have to hang up on you so please say good-bye, Mom.”

“Fine!” She ended the call herself.

I shrugged my shoulders. Things were becoming clearer by the day. Her demands were so ridiculous today that even I couldn’t muster up any guilt.

With Erin, I went over the phone call with my mom. I asked her what Radical Acceptance would sound like in this situation.

She leaned toward me. “First of all, I’m sorry that you don’t have the mother you need or deserve.”

I was taken aback. Something about her words struck something deep inside of me. I’d turn it over in my head later to figure it out, but she wasn’t done yet.

“As far as Radical Acceptance goes, it’s really quite simple. It’s what we’ve been saying all along about her. You will never have the mother you want or deserve. The only change that will happen will be what you allow into your life. She has an alternate reality. You’ll never be good enough. That’s your Radical Acceptance, that’s the reality of your situation. So, all that energy you expend trying toplease her? Spend it on you, do what you need. Spend your energy where it will produce fruit.”

“But how do I get her to stop? I don’t want to put up with her treatment of me anymore.”

“Have you ever been able to control her?”

I laughed. “Uh, no.”

“You can only control you.”

“Then how do I stop me being treated that way?” I knew we were having a disconnect, but I couldn’t quite see the solution in front of my face.

“We’ve circled back to the need for boundaries.”

“I have boundaries with her, I think.”

“Tell me about your boundaries.”

“Okay, for example, if she tells Olivia she wants a kiss and Olivia says no, and she gives her a hard time, I say Olivia doesn’t have to kiss anyone. I step in to protect Olivia’s rights. If she criticizes my sister or my friends, I warn her that I’ll have to go if she continues.”

“Does this stop the behavior?”

“In that moment, it does.”

“So, the main thing about boundaries is that they require consequences, and they shouldn’t be violated repeatedly. I’ll give you an example using one of your boundaries. Your mom pressuresOlivia to give her a kiss, you say I told you that’s not acceptable, the next time it happens, Olivia and I will leave. And then when it happens, and I believe with your mom it will, that is precisely what you do.”

“Huh.”

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