Page 78 of Breathe Again

“Of course, I can,” she scoffed.

“So, what’s the problem? Go with the ladies who can go if they’re keen on going.”

“That’s not the point, dear. They dismissed my idea, dismissed it entirely. I think I’m going to run for president of the seniors’ committee.”

Selfishly, I thought this was an excellent idea as it would keep her busy and out of my hair. However, I cringed at the thought of herwielding that power like a sharp stick. I reassured myself that they’d know better than to vote her in.

“Is that something that would be fun for you? Interesting?”

“No.” She released a long-suffering sigh. “But sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.”

Half an hour later Bea finished her second donut, and it was time to go. She did not offer Olivia the leftover donuts this time, happily telling me her plan to eat one after dinner, and the last one tomorrow, for breakfast.

Visits with her, even when I was not the object of her vitriol, made my ears bleed, but I’d done what I’d needed to do, and I wouldn’t have time to visit again until the weekend at the earliest.

Olivia had not been at all fazed by our little getaway, we’d had a good week, we were getting our lessons done, we’d gone swimming, and we had visited Bea. By Thursday she was excited to go to the animal shelter and I had therapy. Zale and I had not had sex since Sunday, and it was starting to be problematic. I thought I might broach the subject with Erin.

We started off talking about my visit with Bea, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Erin pointed out the lack of empathy and referred back to the need to accept the reality of who she is.

“Have you put any thought into boundaries?”

“Well, yes, but I still don’t know how to make her adhere to them.”

“You can’t make her do anything. The power to change is in the changes you can make for yourself. Boundaries, true boundaries, require consequences, real consequences, which is why it’s important that whatever you decide is a boundary, is actually maintained as a boundary.”

“What do you mean? Explain this to me.” I leaned forward in my chair, trying to understand.

“Well, let’s say you decide that asking Olivia for a kiss is a boundary. Are you prepared to leave next time she does that? If you’re not, it’s not really a boundary.”

“Leaving seems kind of harsh.”

Maybe I didn’t understand what true boundaries required. It seemed I was still going to have to tolerate a lot of behaviors that didn’t warrant a boundary. I didn’t like that thought much. Relationships should be about give and take, there should be mutual respect, not every little request should require a boundary. If it did, I wondered, did we even have a relationship?

“Boundaries mark the borders of what type of treatment we are willing to accept from people. If people treat us in a way that is not tolerable, leaving, for a period of time or for good, is the only option.”

“I think I really need to think about what a boundary for me is.”

“Yes, you don’t have to have all the answers yet, and there are other things we can work on to make you stronger, help you to feelbetter, like the fact that you are not actually responsible for keeping Bea happy. No one is responsible for keeping anyone else happy. These are personal boundaries. Look into that this week. Tell me what you think. It’s a sharp learning curve, and you’re not going to be able to soak it all in and make changes in only a couple of weeks.”

I wrote ‘personal boundary’ down in the notes on my phone as a reminder to look it up.

“What really bothers me, is not knowing who I am. I find that super distressing.”

“Boundary work will help with that.”

“What else can I do?”

“Mindfulness and meditation help, journaling or artistically expressing yourself helps, spending time alone so you can think helps, taking note of what is important to you helps you to determine your likes, your passions, your values, just as taking note of your dislikes helps.”

“I think I’m going to get a really nice journal. I’ll tell my husband you sent me shopping.”

She laughed. “You do that - just stop at the journal!”

“I can do that. Shopping is not fun for me.”

“I agree…” She shuddered. “The mirrors…”

“I know! No one looks good in that light!”

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