Page 63 of Breathe Again

“Agreed. However, the only person who will allow you to do that? It’s you. If you’re waiting for her permission, it’ll be a long wait. She won’t give it.”

“Love you, Willa.”

“Love you, too, Mara.”

I felt better, emotionally wrung out from the rollercoaster of emotions, but better than I did when I first got off the call with my mother. Thank God for wise little sisters.

I gathered Olivia from the sunroom, which took some doing, and we made homemade cookies to eat after lunch and to surprise Daddy. We eventually got most of her schoolwork done, which was a huge relief to me considering the past two weeks were a complete academic write-off.

I had done enough work for the day, so I set it aside and sat with Olivia and Sirius in a blanket nest on the couch, watching Harry Potter, and making to-do lists for Olivia and myself, in preparation for my night away with Zale. It was a much nicer way to while away the day than the all-out panic that had previously been scheduled. Olivia lay down and curled up beside me with her head on my lap, her little hand wrapped around my leg.

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you, too, little bird.”

This was the scene that greeted Zale when he came home from work. He headed to the kitchen, his finger hooked in his tie, loosening it, and dropped a twelve pack of Kraft dinner on the counter. He stood at the foot of the couch, his mouth soft, his eyes warm.

“My girls.”

He changed out of his suit, ordered us pizza, which being Olivia’s favorite we ate far too much of, and joined us in the blanket nest.

.

Truth-Tellers

Mara

I welcomed the quiet weekend after the ugly confrontation with my mother, Olivia’s string of meltdowns, and telling Zale about my diagnosis. Thankfully, the beginning of the week was routine, and now Olivia was at the shelter with Bex. I sat waiting for my name to be called for my first therapy appointment.

I was the only person waiting. Even though no one else was in the waiting room, l felt exposed. Exposed because I was a bunny boiler.

I was a member of the sorority of the dreaded mental health disorders, and not one of the more acceptable ones. Not that any areparticularly welcome. No one wants to battle depression or anxiety, but there were a few that caused shudders, courted revulsion and even fear, and that was my crew. Mine and my mother’s, apparently.

I was ashamed. Full of it. Shame that burned in my cheeks before we’d even gotten started. At least I had my night away with Zale to look forward to.

“Mara?”

I looked up, startled out of my thoughts. “Yes!” I did a double take. “Erin?”

Erin had been my therapist a few years ago for a few months when I was dealing with some anxiety around leaving the house. She’d also helped Bex when she needed it. She was sweet, friendly, and down-to-earth.

She smiled. “Hi Mara. It’s good to see you again. Would you like to come on back?”

I stood, gathered my purse and my notes, and followed Erin back to her office.

There were two couches, a rocking chair, a comfy chair, and a desk, just as I remembered. There was a certain comfort in that. I chose the comfy chair. I didn’t want to risk her sitting beside me. She might feel uncomfortable with what I had to tell her and would feel like she couldn’t move.

“I didn’t expect to see you today. I thought I was seeing someone named Ashleigh?”

She sat in the rocking chair to my left and smiled. “Yes, you were originally booked with Ashleigh. When referrals first come in, the front desk assigns a counselor, but because you’ve been here before, the supervising psych felt it was better for you to see me, since we already have an established connection.” She paused. “Is that okay with you or would you prefer to start fresh with someone new?”

“Oh, no!” I waved my hands as if to erase the idea. “This is much better for me. You were a huge help a few years ago.”

She smiled widely. “Excellent. I was looking forward to working with you again. What brings you here?”

Emotions raced through me like disks down a plinko board, bouncing off thoughts and triggering anxiety. Surprised to see Erin, relieved that she was happy to see me, startled that she didn’t know why I was here, worried she might not be happy to work with me when she found out, confused because wasn’t she supposed to know why I was there, and finally dismayed that I would have to tell her.

I hedged. “Don’t you have a note from the doctor?”

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