Page 52 of Breathe Again

My first therapy session was not for another two weeks, and I was waiting for it the way a forty-two-week pregnant woman waits for her water to break.

I was overeating and over caffeinating, using both as comfort, distraction, and fuel to keep going. Of all that was going on, the most potentially catastrophic, at that moment, was that we were out of macaroni and cheese. I feared the consequences come lunchtime.

I looked at the calendar. My mom had her book club, or maybe it was bingo, today. I knew this because we sometimes visited her on Wednesday afternoons, and she would be bitching and complaining about all the people she’d just left. Not nice, Mara. No point in taking your fatigue out on your mom. Whatever, she was going out anyway, I’d ask her to pick me up a few boxes of macaroni and cheese.

“Hello?”

“Hi, mom.”

“Mara, hello, I’m just on my way out to Bingo. I’m the caller today. Everybody loves it when I do the calling. The rest of them are such duds, no energy at all. One foot in the grave, all of them.” She chortled.

Part of me felt vindicated by my earlier uncharitable thoughts but I had no time to dwell on that.

“I remembered that you were going out today, that’s why I’m calling. I have a favor to ask you.”

“Quickly dear, I need to leave now.”

“On your way home, can you pick up a few boxes of macaroni and cheese? Olivia’s had a rough time the past few days and I’m out of Kraft dinner.” I held my breath.

She sniffed, then sighed. “Mara, you’ve never been organized, have you? Even as a little girl, such a mess.”

“Usually I have lots, Mom, but she’s refused to eat anything else. We’ve gone through four boxes in the past three days.”

“That’s a lot of Kraft dinner. You have nothing else she’ll eat?”

“Not happily, and happy is the goal right now.”

“Okay, I’ll bring you a box.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“I won’t be coming in though, can’t stand being around that damn cat.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “No problem. If you just leave it at the door that would be more than fine.”

“Gotta go. Bye!”

She hung up the phone mid-reply. It didn’t matter. The macaroni and cheese emergency was abated.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Mara?”

It was my mother, and her voice sounded like it was coming from far away.

“Mom? What’s up?”

“I can’t go to the store. I’m sorry, honey.”

“Why?” I asked, alarmed. “What happened?”

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just that the girls invited me out for lunch afterwards and I don’t want to make them wait for me. Normally, it wouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve really been missing your dad lately and could use the distraction. The life of a widow is a lonely one, Mara. I really pray you don’t have to deal with this for a long, long time.”

It was hard to keep the disdain out of my tone, but I succeeded. “No problem, Mom, you do what you need to do. I’ll look after it.”

She thanked me for my understanding. I closed the phone gently and deliberately.

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