Page 45 of Breathe Again

‘Too loud, Mommy,’ was her overall assessment, and she retreated quickly to the sunroom to decompress.

I looked at Bex. “It didn’t go well today?”

“No, no, it did, she did great. Willa watched over her because she was concerned about the noise levels, and she offered to take her to see the pocket pets instead, but Olivia wanted to stay.” Bex paused. “Saying that, I would not be surprised if she decided to forego the birds next time and,” she pursed her lips in apology, “she’s probably way over stimulated.”

I twisted my mouth to the side, thinking. “Hmm. Still. It’s good that she tries new things.”

Bex nodded. “It is. She gave Willa her card today, too.”

“Oh, that’s good. I’m glad she didn’t forget. Thank you, Bex. It means the world to me that you do this with her.”

“My pleasure, Merry, really.”

She continued to stand there, chewing her lip.

“Is something wrong, Bex?”

“I don’t know, Mara, is something wrong?”

Oh, God, she knows. My heart stuttered and my belly plummeted to the floor.

“W-what do you mean?” I stammered.

“You heard from the doctor?”

“I did.” I nodded once, sharply.

The screaming in my head got louder. She knows, she knows, she knows.

“I asked Willa about it today when I saw her, she told me to talk to you when I dropped Olivia home.”

Right, Willa. That’s what this is about.

I gathered my thoughts. I raised my hand to wave off her concern and realized it was shaking. I tucked it into my pocket, tried to remember what it was exactly that I’d told Willa, but I couldn’t remember the term. I took a deep breath, settled, and it came back to me.

“He told me I have something called Persistent Depressive Disorder. It’s like a continual, low-level sadness. No medications for it, but he is sending me for counselling.”

She nodded, her eyes on me assessing. I looked away.

“How are you feeling about that?”

That part, not terrible. The other, awful.

“Not terrible,” I shrugged.

“Maybe you can make your therapy appointments on Thursdays. I’m happy to continue with Olivia for as long as she wants tocontinue. If she gets sick of the animal shelter, she and I can do something else, and I’ll volunteer at the shelter on another day.”

I blew out a relieved breath. “I’ll do that. Thank you.”

I felt bad for lying to her. Is it lying if it’s a lie of omission? Yes, yes it is. I’d already been over that argument with myself.

I spoke hurriedly, “There’s some more stuff but I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I don’t know if I told Willa that part. I was kind of rattled when I got home.”

“That’s okay, Merry,” she spoke gently. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.”

I couldn’t meet her eyes, but I reached for her, and she hugged me tightly. I clung to her for just a second, wishing I could unload on her, but fear of what she’d think, shame for what I was, and the fact that I hadn’t yet told Zale held me back. I let her go.

She looked at me closely. “I’m here, Mara, always.”

---