Page 123 of Breathe Again

“I was scared,” she admitted. “I didn’t know where you were, and I stayed so late at Uncle Dean’s. Their dogs were loud, twice.”

“Dogs are loud sometimes, aren't they!”

“Dogs are loud. Cats are only loud sometimes. Goldfish, goldfish are not loud.”

I laughed, and I heard Zale laugh in the background. “We’ll talk about the goldfish.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow and the next day, but we won’t make a decision about the goldfish for a few weeks, okay?”

“Okay. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow. I love you, little bird.”

“Goodbye, Mommy. I love you, too.”

She ended the call. I looked at Marissa and smiled, then laughed outright at the joy I felt in speaking with my daughter.

After lunch I went back to my room and opened my playlist. He’d added a new song, ‘I’ll Follow You’ by Shinedown. Promises to follow me down to the eye of the storm to keep me warm, keep me close, to get me through the deep. He’d always reeled me back inwhen I strayed too far from reality, but I’d never strayed so far before.

I didn’t love the idea of dragging him down into my storm, but I was selfish enough to saddle him with me anyway, for Olivia’s sake if nothing else. I justified that my love for him, which was deep and wide and endless, could counteract the craziness of being with me, but I didn’t believe it.

He deserved someone stable, someone who would be emotionally safe for him, not crazy like me. Also, I didn’t believe that he would do and keep all the promises he gave me in the lyrics. The prospect of returning to a relationship where I had to constantly hide, where my pain just didn’t register for him, where I had to keep going on alone, was not particularly appealing.

My session in the afternoon centered around my feelings about going home and my feelings for Zale. I loved him, but it was more complicated than that. I never wanted to leave him, ever, but I didn’t want to be dependent on him to feel better. We talked at great length about how sex could just be sex, and therapy could teach me the tools I needed to feel better. I didn’t think it would be as effective, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be as much fun, but it put the power, some of it, back in my hands, and it would take the pressure off of him.

I had lost trust in his desire to be there for me, that was a huge obstacle. No one grows up daydreaming about being a burden. I wanted to be wanted, but I mostly felt replaceable. A cleaning lady,a good crock pot, an occasional booty call, bile rose in my throat at that thought, and a good nanny for Olivia would be better for him. I wasn’t deluded enough to think I brought nothing to the table, I just didn’t think I brought enough, and some of what I brought made his life hell, and I wanted that to stop.

“What about Willa and Bex?”

And Rhys, I thought.

“Oh, God! They saw me completely fall apart. Especially Rhys, Bex’s husband. I totally lost it.” I focused inward and got lost in the memory. “I let them all down, especially Willa. I’m the only mother figure she has, and I totally lost my mind right in front of her.” I continued, “I wouldn’t let Zale near me. Rhys held me, brought me back…” I looked up at Marissa, whispered, “Even when I had calmed down, Zale didn’t come to me.”

“Is this something we should add to the list of things to work through with Zale during our joint session tomorrow?”

“What? What list? What joint session?”

“We spoke about this earlier today. Tomorrow, a few hours before you go home, Zale is coming into counseling with you, so we can set you up for success when you go home.”

My mouth slowly dropped open as she spoke, my eyebrows drawn together in horror. “Oh, no, I don’t want to do that at all.”

“What is it about the idea that bothers you?”

I wrapped my arms around my shoulders. “I’m going to feel so exposed.”

“Yes,” Marissa gently replied. “That’s how you get the support you need, find the people who are able to give it to you, by exposing your need, your vulnerabilities.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Tell me.”

“I’m not worth the trouble to him. Honestly. I’m not.”

She sat back in her chair, tapping her pen against her lips. “When Olivia is an adult, if she finds herself in a loving relationship, would she be worthy of support?”

“Of course.”

---