Page 117 of Breathe Again

“Mara gave me some information but honestly? It’s not new. I’ve known how she is for a long time.”

“You got ‘The redacted version’?”

“Yeah.” He took a swig of his beer.

Rhys pulled out his cell.

“I just forwarded a link to you, the stuff you need to know. You should read it.” He paused, looking out over the backyard but seeing back in time. “I can understand why you think it’s manipulation, especially with her mother being her example. But what if it’s not manipulation? What if it’s emotional pain so extreme her psyche can’t handle it, so she seeks out something strong enough to neutralize it, like sex or pulling her own hair out? I would give you the gift of hindsight if you’ll take it. My wife had borderline personality disorder, as I told you yesterday.” Zale looked up at Rhys and nodded for him to continue. “Life with her was exciting, but difficult.”

“Yes, it is both of those.” Zale agreed.

“You know how Mara has you drop Bex off before Willa? Even when it doesn’t make sense?”

“Yes. I hate that. She should trust me by now.” His jaw tensed, the telltale sign of his irritation.

“Amy wouldn’t let me go in a car with any woman, ever. You know how Mara gets tense at a bar or restaurant with you?”

Zale shook his head. “She used to, not anymore.”

“You’re wrong. She watches. It’s all over her face.” Zale looked up in surprise, “Remember the woman, the blond at the bar a few weeks ago that spoke to you on your way to the bathroom?”

“What woman?”

“A group of women blocked your path to the bathroom. One of them spoke to you, put her hand on your arm.”

“Oh, yeah. I was worried she saw that. But she was dancing when I got back. I thought she was good.”

“She saw that. She looked like she was going to puke. Stopped talking. Looked at the floor… She locks that down. Barrett knew she had BPD based on the few times he’s met her. He’s freakishly intuitive, but still. Amy would have demanded we go straight home and would have screamed at me the whole way; convinced I had somehow invited the attention.”

Zale looked at Rhys with dismay on his face, feeling the signs he missed, and feeling it deeply.

“Mara feels the same way. She’s sick with it, yet she locks it down. It’s not gone, she fuckin eats it so you don’t.” He wasn’t done. “The man who made a pass at her? She didn’t even consider he could be talking to her, she thought he was interested in Willa. Her self-esteem is in the toilet. She couldn’t get away fast enough. Amy would have flirted to show me she was desirable. She wouldn’t have taken it anywhere, but she’d flirt to get back at me for the women who paid attention to me. If I got a little jealous and claimed her, it appeased and reassured her. If I played it cool, she’d be devastated.”

Zale nodded, turning Rhys’ words over in his cool, analytical mind.

“I learned what my wife needed from me to help her keep the demons at bay, lots of PDA, lots of sex, and I needed to be unfriendly and unapproachable with other women. She didn’t do it to manipulate me. She did it to avoid the pain. She did it to gain reassurance that I loved her and that I would not abandon her.” He finished, “It’s survival man, not manipulation.”

Zale thought about the constant vigilance that he himself found to be so exhausting. “How did you live like that?”

“The same way you do. She did get better, calmer, when her triggers weren’t constantly activated. Once she got diagnosed, she did the work. But before she did the work, she left me because the anticipation of me leaving her, which she believed would happen, was killing her. And second, she left so she wouldn’t burden me with her issues. She was horrified by the way she had treated me. Up until her diagnosis, she thought the problem was me, that she was picking up on some vibes and needed to protect herself. When she found out it was her, she wanted me to be free of her.”

Zale blew out a breath. That’s fuckin nuts, Zale thought, even as he acknowledged that Mara’s thoughts had also gone there.

Rhys rubbed his palms on the thighs of his worn jeans. “She told me the distress of waiting for me to leave her was excruciating. Those were the worst three months of my life until I lost her for good.” Rhys swallowed, hard. “Both times, life without her was intolerable. I often think she lived with that level of distress on a daily basis.”

Zale rubbed a hand over his face. “I read about the emotional pain. I don’t want Mara to hurt, ever, I love her.” He paused, wincing, unused to talking about his feelings but needing advice from someone he could trust. “The thing is, sometimes I’m not sure if what she feels for me is love for me specifically, or if she just needs someone, anyone. It’s hard to give her what she says she needs when she needs sex, not necessarily me, it’s a constant demand that could be fulfilled by anybody,” Zale confided bitterly.

“You’re right but you’re wrong, too,” Rhys stated. “She probably needs someone more intensely than you or me,” he paused, “but she probably loves more intensely than you or I love, and she’s chosen to give that to you, day after day after day, even in the face of zero understanding.”

Rhys did not mince his words. Zale thoughtfully turned over this perspective that unfortunately rang true for him. He nodded, his frown deepening the lines around his mouth.

Rhys continued, “Even if you continued to withhold from her what she needs, I believe that woman will continue to choose you because she loves you and wants to give you all the love in her heart.” Rhys took another long pull from his beer. Zale was quiet so he continued.

“I’ve seen the way she loves her people; she does not hold back. You have had that from her, and you still have it.” At this point, Rhys took a breath and softened his voice. “And I hesitate to say this next because it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker, but if you decide to walk away from her, she will get what she needs from someoneelse.” Zale’s brows snapped together, and he clenched his jaw so tight it clicked. Rhys ignored the warning and continued on. “And one of those men that she will turn to will hopefully be a good man who sees a good woman and then she’ll choose him day after day after day and give to him the love that is now yours.”

Zale tasted the bile that rose in his throat, swallowed down the taste of what could be.

Rhys continued. “Rebecca has shared, in her distress over Mara, more than she would normally share, looking for perspective from a man who has been where you are, so she can take her girl’s back. You gotta know because of that, I probably know more than I should that you’ve got an extraordinary woman, in so many ways.”

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