Page 112 of Breathe Again

“After. We’ll visit after.”

I should have focused on my DBT skills. I should have recited my cue cards or repeated my Dory mantra. I should have been putting myself through my paces, but the possibility of my mother having a serious heart condition had thrown me off, and I did none of those things.

I thanked God that I had the excuse of needing to concentrate on the driving because I was already so close to detonating, the tiniest spark would set off the explosion. That half hour of silence gave me the space necessary to calm myself.

I focused on maneuvering through the traffic and squinting past the afternoon sunlight piercing the front window to read the street signs.

Damp, my ass. You’d be hard pressed to find a more perfect day.

I listened to the GPS that I didn’t technically need but it gave me an extra bit of confidence. Finally, we arrived, and I remembered that this hospital had excellent parking at least. It’s one thing drivingsomewhere in the city, something else entirely trying to find parking. I pulled into the first spot I found.

“Oh, Mara, I forgot to ask, but could you drop me off at the entrance? I really want to see if I can get a coffee before my appointment.”

“Uh,” breathe Mara, just breathe, “no.”

She sniffed.

She huffed out of the car. “I hope we’re not too late to get a coffee. I’ll get you one, too. Let’s hurry. We’re so far from the entrance. Do you park this far away to get some exercise?”

“Did you see any other spots, Mom?”

“I don’t mean this time, Mara. I read an article on weight loss, and one of the suggestions was to park far away to force yourself to walk. I thought I’d pass it on to you when I’m done reading it.” She smiled brightly. “I’m always thinking of you, sweetheart, never far from my thoughts and prayers, and always in my heart.”

Smiling tightly, I thought to myself, that at the very least if I ended up needing a respiratory therapist, I was in the right place. Maybe worry over her appointment made her extra acerbic today. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, I soothed myself, in two short hours you’ll be back home, safe.

In the waiting room we sat side-by-side in hard, plastic chairs. I wondered if they were purposefully made to be uncomfortable so people would stand or walk instead of being sedentary.

My mom joked with the other patients who were waiting in the room, working the room like a pro. She drew attention like honey drew bees.

I sat and stared unseeing at the screen of my cell phone, swiping the display screens forward and back, over and over, my knee bouncing like a piston.

By the time the nurse called her to go back for her appointment she was calm, but I was a bag of nerves. I jumped up when she did. She hesitated to follow the nurse and turned to me.

“Are you coming in with me?”

I looked at her in surprise. “Of course, that’s why I’m here.”

“You don’t need to.”

“It’s okay, Mom.” I nodded to the nurse and lightly pushed her forward. “You asked me to come, I’m here.”

The nurse ushered us into a smaller room, a trio of the same hard chairs lining the wall, but no other patients to offer her a distraction. She prattled on about the women in her seniors’ group.

“They’re not fun, Mara, bunch of old biddies. That’s why their husbands dance with me when we have our dinner nights. There’s no dance floor, but you know me, I get some of the men to help me move the tables and we make our own dance floor…”

I nodded to indicate that I was listening, she didn’t need more than a nod to encourage her to extoll her own virtues. If she needed totalk to deal with her nerves, so be it. The least I could do was listen. I wish I had something to settle my nerves other than scrolling through all the possible outcomes of this appointment in my mind.

The doctor finally came and, not five minutes into the appointment, I began to see red. I had heard the phrase before, ‘I was so angry, I saw red’, but I never imagined it was a real phenomenon. I knew the doctor was still speaking, but I could no longer hear him. Red suffused my vision. I saw the doctor, the office, the chairs, and the white cabinets, through its violent haze. I could not look at my mother. His voice became clear once again.

“Yes, Mrs. Wells, as I told you on the phone, the test is simply routine for women your age, and it came back fine just as I expected. We order these tests for everyone at a certain age, for screening purposes, and to get a baseline reading for comparison if needed later. You need a bit of blood pressure medication, and that’s why you’re here today. It’s nothing you haven’t been on before, so we know you tolerate it well, and I’ll need to see you here every three months for a blood pressure check just like we’re doing today, simply to make sure we’re giving you the right dose.”

I stood up. Bea, for once in her life, looked appropriately alarmed.

“I’ll wait for you in the car,” I said stiffly. I turned on my heel and left, saying nothing more.

Although I’d woken up to a lot of the shit she’d pulled over the years, this stunt shocked me. I marched directly to the car, and then I waited, staring straight ahead, through the windshield, at nothing.If I were made of stronger stuff I would have told her to take a cab and gone directly home.

Half an hour later, time in which I’d spent alternately cursing her for her selfishness and cursing myself for my weakness, she came strolling into the parking lot, with a takeout cup of coffee in her hand. She got to the car and struggled to open the door with her hands full. I did not help. I stayed in my seat, eyes front.

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