Page 111 of Breathe Again

“Uh…” I thought about the mental gymnastics I’d have to go through with Olivia to ready her for a change in plans, the phone calls I’d have to make to see who could step in with her today, and the online meeting with my publisher I’d have to reschedule. “Sure. I can do that I think. I just have to make sure Olivia is covered.”

“She can come with us if you can’t find a babysitter. We can go out for lunch afterwards.”

“No, Mom, she can’t.”

Don’t get irritated, I silently coached myself, she’s completely disengaged, doesn’t have a single clue about your life. You know this. Just get off the phone so you can make arrangements.

“I’ll call you back in a few minutes to let you know for sure.”

I thought through my options. Willa and Bex were both working at the animal shelter that afternoon, so Olivia could go with them, but it wasn’t her usual day to go with Bex and Willa, and I knew Willa had things she had to do today.

I decided to try Sophie. She taught for twenty years before getting her masters in curriculum development. She worked from home a great deal of the time. She might be home today. Olivia loved theirpuppy, Dean and Sophie’s children were grown and away at college, and Sophie enjoyed Olivia. Having been parents for a long time, not much fazed them. Olivia sensed that so she was relaxed, too. I loved being with them myself.

As I hoped, Sophie assured me she’d be delighted to take her. This meant I needed to add an hour to my mom’s pick-up time so I could get Olivia to Sophie’s, transition her into their house, and get back to pick up my mom in Bayview Village in time to drive her to her appointment in Milltown. This moved our time of departure to quarter after one. Which meant lunch had to be over by twelve thirty so Olivia would not feel rushed and be stressed about going out.

I called my mom back and she thanked me, told me how relieved she felt now that I could take her. My nerves still prickled with irritation, which I felt bad about, but at least I was doing something good for my mom.

Now to tackle Olivia.

The morning unfolded as per usual, but my frame of mind had shifted into anxious overdrive. I didn’t like having changes in plans foisted upon me at the last minute, and to top it off, I had to drive into the city for this appointment. I usually advised my mom to take a cab as neither of us liked to drive in the city. She invariably found someone to take her, but I could understand how she’d want me in this case. I breathed through my anxiety.

By the time I got to my mom’s house, I was already running fifteen minutes late, which was my own fault because I filled Sophie’s earwith my anxiety and put off leaving her comforting presence until the last minute.

At least my mother was already waiting outside her door. She looked good, happy to see me, I was frazzled as shit. Driving there, practicing my breathing, I sucked all the oxygen out of the car. I opened the window.

“Mara, dear, close the window, it’ll mess my hair, and it’s far too damp out today anyway,” Bea complained, as she hoisted herself into the car and dropped her bags at her feet. “Can we drive through Tim Horton’s to get a coffee? I had a busy morning; I didn’t get a second cup.”

“We’re already late, Mom, maybe there’ll be a coffee shop at the hospital.”

“I hate hospital coffee; they couldn’t brew a proper cup of coffee if their lives depended on it.”

“If it makes you feel better, I haven’t had any today.”

“You’ve always had problems with time management, Mara. You need to work on that. Schedules, structure, discipline, and no procrastinating. You have always been a great procrastinator.”

Don’t get irritated. She might have a heart condition. No point in doing a good deed if you’re going to be resentful.

She continued. “Where’s Olivia? She really needs to be more exposed to the outside world, she must learn to cope. I know this is hard, we all want to do everything we can for our children, but shehas to learn that the world does not revolve around her! If you didn’t have to drop her off somewhere, you would have had time for a coffee. You need to think of yourself sometimes too!”

I needed an oxygen mask, the kind that falls from the ceiling when the cabin loses air pressure. I would for damn sure be putting mine on first. I’d boot her off the plane mid-flight at this rate.

Good deed, deep breath, no resentment.

Radical Acceptance, you will never have the mother you want or deserve. She is what she is. I gave myself great advice, unfortunately, I didn’t listen.

“Well, if I wasn’t taking you to your important appointment, I wouldn’t have had to drive Olivia, but I am taking you, because I want to do what’s best for you, and obviously I want to do what’s best for Olivia, so, no coffee for me.” I knew better than to engage with her, but she pushed my buttons.

She sniffed. “No need to get huffy. If you didn’t want to do it, I could have taken a cab. No skin off my nose.”

“I want to do it, just don’t criticize me for how I manage a change of plans when it’s for your benefit.”

“Some people are too selfish to do these things, I’m so blessed to have a daughter who’s not.”

I sighed. “Okay Mom, you know I don’t like driving in the city, so I need you to be quiet and not talk to me now.”

“I don’t know why you insisted on driving then, I could have driven myself, but I’ll be quiet. I thought we’d have a little visit, but I guess not.”

I re-entered The Twilight Zone. As usual with my mother, I questioned my own take on reality. One day I’d record our conversations, just to prove my sanity to myself. I responded the only way I could think of to get the quiet I desperately needed.

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