Page 84 of Breathe Again

I had felt beautiful, but his words blew that feeling away. I sat quickly on the bed beside him. To hide my thighs from his view.

“Okay,” I whispered, “no problem.”

“It’s not you, I’m just so damn tired, and it is late, gorgeous.”

“It’s fine.”

I couldn't get up without him seeing all of me, but he thought my immobility indicated that I wanted an explanation. Really I just wanted to fall through a hole in the floor until I could find a muumuu to cover me.

“Come to bed, Mara.”

“Yup.”

I couldn’t move.

Not until he turned away. I no longer wanted to be seen.

I had to get changed to go to bed.

It took guts to put this thing on in the first place, taking it off, myself, declared a shameful rejection. Emotions swarmed my system. Embarrassment, shame, rejection, jealousy, fear, frustration, anger, and resentment raced to the finish line.

His gaze turned wary as he pushed himself up to sit against the headboard and my heart dropped.

I only wanted to hide, but if denied that option, I wanted answers to why he constantly rebuffed me.

“Are you angry with me?” I asked softly.

He looked surprised. “What? No! Of course not.”

“You’re not attracted to me anymore?”

He narrowed his eyes. “No, Mara, it’s not that either. I’m tired. Can’t a man just be tired?”

“Do you think I’m not tired? You think I’m not dealing with heavy shit all day? That doesn’t lead me to not wanting you.” I strove to keep my voice even but was not sure that I succeeded entirely.

“Well, honestly, Mara? You have an unnatural drive that no one could keep up with.”

Shame pulled into first place. “You know it hurts when you turn me away, and you’re doing it more and more.”

“I explained all of this to you,” he snapped, his eyebrows drawn low over his eyes, his mouth tight, the muscle in his jaw ticking.

I continued my musing, still digging for answers, purposefully ignoring the wound from his jab about my unnatural drive in hopes of breaking through to discover whatever was coming between us.

“You know what I need, but you won’t give it to me. Is this love? It doesn’t feel like love, Zee, it feels like anger, it feels like resentment. What do I need to do? What do I need to say to make you forgive me?”

“Forgive you? For what?” He seemed genuinely perplexed. “For fuck’s sake, Mara! You know I love you. I’m yours.”

That was too much, too much for me to swallow.

“Mine,” I scoffed. “Mine when I have to beg?”

“You don’t have to beg!” he gaped.

I stood and backed away from him, not caring if he saw me anymore, he didn’t want me anyway, what did it matter now if seeing my ugly body further confirmed it.

I felt discarded, abandoned, and let down.

“I thought you’d be safe.” I whispered.

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