Page 79 of Breathe Again

“There are two more things I’d like to touch on today, both will help in your quest to better define yourself.”

“I’m game!”

“Good stuff - Name it to tame it is about identifying your emotions. It helps to calm you when you can step back, notice how you are feeling, and label it. Simple as that. Also, taking note of how you feel in certain situations will give you insight into your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, and values. Paying attention to your feelings will give you valuable information about yourself.”

“Name it to tame it.”

“Yes. As you are doing all this work, and paying attention to your feelings and reactions, you’ll start to know yourself better, and you’ll be able to start identifying a vision for your future, develop a focus for moving forward. Vision and focus will help you to move forward.”

We discussed these new tools, then she asked me the self-harm questions she always asked at the end of each session.

“Thanks, Erin. You’re a peach.”

She laughed and waved me out the door.

Funny, despite the amount of emotional labor required at therapy, I never left there with the level of fatigue a visit to my mom engendered.

Now, home. First to wait for Olivia, then to Girls’ Night tonight at Willa’s place.

Woo hoo!

A Pitbull and a Battering Ram

Mara

Thursday evening Bex and I arrived at Willa’s only twenty minutes late. This may have set a record for me. Getting out of the house with Olivia on time was a miracle, leaving her behind, especially in the evening, was almost an impossibility.

Because she spent most of her time with me, and I controlled her environment to keep her as comfortable as I could, she got anxious when I went out. It would be good if she could extendthat trust to her dad and a couple of other people, good for her especially, but change is difficult, and would require plenty of incentive to make the stress of the change worth it for her. Every day required a balance, push and pull enough to broaden her world, but not too much or she would shut down.

After our time in Stratford, Zale fervently supported these meetings.

“It’s necessary, gorgeous. We’ll have to take the heat, all of us, because you’re important. Your recovery is important, more important than anything else right now as well as in the long run. I’ll handle Olivia. She’ll be okay. More than okay, she’ll be good.”

“You really want me to do this.”

I must be more difficult to live with than I realized if he’s that sure of it. My gosh, I wonder if I’ve finally managed to push him away. He’s probably sick to death of me.

“I really do.” He leaned in and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck. “Don’t get it all twisted in your head. I love you.” He kissed me softly on the mouth, pressing his sweet lips to mine for several moments, then let me go.

“Livvy!” he called out. “We’re going for ice cream. If you want, I’ll take you to Uncle Dean’s to visit, and you can play with his puppy.”

Olivia bounced out of her bedroom on the balls of her feet. Those braces were supposed to be on, but this was not the time to fight that battle. Her facial expression wavered between apprehension andexcitement. Ice cream? Check. Uncle Dean’s puppy? Check. Mom going out? Uh, no. Last minute plans? Hell, no.

I had something I’d been saving to smooth the way.

“If you’re going to see the puppy, don’t forget to bring one of the dog toys we bought, okay, Livvy?” Her face cleared and she went to choose a toy from the bag we’d left in the closet.

“You’re so good with her, baby. Genius, gorgeous. Kiss her goodbye while the going's good.” He crinkled his eyes at me, and I smiled at him. His words meant so much, and he offered so few of them.

The way was cleared to go, but when Bex arrived to pick me up we were still tied up in the minutiae of which items were going to make the cut to go in the bag of happiness. Finally, Zale stepped in and offered to carry a second bag that they’d leave in the car just in case she needed something from it. That clinched it, and Bex and I were on our way.

“How are things with you, Bex?”

“I’m good, babe. Please let tonight be about you for once...” she interrupted herself, “Oh! I love this song!”

She turned up the radio and Halestorm screamed out of the speakers.

“You are the fire, Bex!” I yelled.

---