Page 68 of Breathe Again

My heart staggered clumsily in my chest. I collected the papers out of the tray, and they trembled in my hand. I was going to lose Rebecca. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I’d tell her that I justwanted them to know, but that I didn’t actually need anything from them.

“Are we friends, Mommy?” Olivia’s sweet voice interrupted my thoughts.

I turned to see her curled up in her reading corner, earphones off one ear so she could monitor her environment. That right there was the reason I was asking for support. She was worth any risk. I moved toward her, my hand extended. She touched the tips of her little fingers against mine.

“Yes, little bird, we are always friends.”

We smiled at each other, and she turned back to her books and her music. I walked back to the kitchen, determination undermining my embarrassment.

Willa sat at the table, her freckles standing out in stark relief against her pale face. Bex stood leaning against the counter. I could feel her eyes on me. I walked straight to Willa.

“Willa, I’ve got this. I’m asking for your support, but I have got this, okay?”

She nodded. “Mara, supermom.”

“Yeah. Anything for you, anything for my little bird.”

“I’ve got you too, Mara. Anything you need. I’ll push, pull, drag, hogtie, whatever it takes.”

I leaned down and kissed her cheek.

Finally, I turned to face Bex. She paused, her tea midway to her lips. She stopped when I met her eyes. She looked into mine and surprise flashed in her watercolor eyes.

“What?” she protested. “Are you kidding me?” She put her cup down and flitted over to me on her light feet. “Give a bitch a minute to process, babe. I’ve got you. You know I do. Push, pull, drag, hogtie, whatever it takes.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder. “I love you, Merry. Always.”

I hugged her back and my breath released with a shudder. She felt it and pulled me closer. My body flooded with relief. Which lasted point four seconds before Bex slapped me on the ass.

“Sit. Let’s get it out there. Tell us what’s happened and tell us where we need to go from here.”

Around the table I explained some of the ways BPD affected me, explained that for some people it affects all their relationships, and for some it’s just one.

“For me, it’s really just Zale who bears the brunt of it all.” I looked down, feeling bad for him.

“That’s why you’re wary when we’re out, that’s why he’s extra attentive,” Bex commented.

I nodded along to her words as she continued. “That’s why he always drops me home first.”

I froze, then slowly met her gaze. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

She looked sad, answered softly, “I would never go there.”

A tear slid down my face and I answered her just as softly, “I know this, he wouldn’t either. There’s no logic, just the fear that he might want to.”

She smiled a sad smile, sad for me. “He’s only ever had eyes for you. Do I need to be more careful about how I am around him?”

“No! No, please don’t do that. I want to progress, not regress.” I laughed but my breath hitched. “I’m sorry, Bex.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, you haven’t ever done anything to me to warrant an apology. You don’t need to be sorry for a feeling that you didn’t act on, or a disability you didn’t do anything about because it was something you didn’t know you had.”

“In any case,” Willa added, “You’ve improved dramatically since those early days.”

“I learned.” I paused. “I hurt him with my actions, I hated seeing that, I learned to repress as best I could.”

“Why do you have this? Is it genetic?”

“Partly yes, partly no, Willa.” She was going to be super-pissed in a moment. “It’s usually partly genetic, as in there’s a genetic vulnerability, but it also comes down to family of origin and things that happened in my childhood.”

“Did you tell them that Mom’s a Narcissist?”

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