Page 29 of Breathe Again

After a while he clicked off the tv and turned his face to press his cheek to the top of my head.

“I love life with you,” he whispered into my hair.

I snorted.

He chuckled.

How I loved when he laughed.

“You’re a complicated little molecule, but I love you.”

I held him tighter. I said nothing but I thought about his words all night and all the next morning.

They warmed me.

Not for The First Time

Mara

I woke up slowly, cocooned in the warmth of Zale’s strong embrace. Olivia woke up raring to go.

“Are we going to Gran-gran’s first?”

Zale answered, his voice warm and sleepy in my ear. “Yes, but not for another couple of hours. Gran-gran is not ready for company yet. Mommy has to get ready, so do I, and so doyou, or were you planning to go in your pajamas?” he teased, “Do you want to eat first then shower? Or shower and then eat?”

“Of course, I don’t want to go in my pajamas,” she answered seriously. “I will eat first, then shower.”

We got up and puttered around the kitchen, the sweet routine of weekend mornings a balm to my battered soul, which despite the healing of his touch the night before, still stung.

In fact, I always felt like I was functioning with exposed nerves lately. All the emotions, all the time, swirling millimeters beneath the surface, threatening to break through, as if a thin film of ice were the only thing keeping the lava pool of my emotions in check. Anger, sadness, shame, fear, joy, love, longing, yearning, hope, regret, resentment, pity, frustration, compassion, tenderness, desire, guilt… it was a boiling cesspool of quicksand, sucking me under, spitting me back out.

I had been so looking forward to my appointment with the psychiatrist, hoping for a ready solution, but I was really no further ahead. Surely counselling would help. Maybe we needed marriage counselling.

Maybe not.

Things didn’t feel nearly so dire after last night. Maybe we just needed more time together and I’d be fine. We just needed to get back on track.

We got ready for a day of visiting, first to Bea, who lived in Bayview Village, then we backtracked past our place to Dean and Sophie’s.

Going to visit Bea was always better with Zale along. He was a stronger buffer than Olivia, Bea was always on her best behavior when Zee was there. The snide comments, sweetly voiced, that she could get away with when Olivia was there, would in no way get past Zale.

In a way it pissed me off. I knew that he believed me when I relayed to him the things she said and did, but even I could see how hard it would be to believe in light of her performances. None of what I told him ever showed when he was there. Not once in the twenty years that we’d been together had she slipped.

It even made me question myself. If it wasn’t for Willa’s certainty, and Bex’s reactions to what I told her, I’d think I was insane.

I didn’t kid myself, it still seemed like a legitimate possibility.

I hung back a bit as Zale and Olivia approached Bea’s door and knocked. Olivia tucked her hand inside her dad’s, her hair was a mess of curls. She wore leggings and a long-sleeved tee printed with flying birds under her heavy coat. Although she conceded to wear her coat, we could not convince her to do it up.

Zee looked good in his jeans, better even than he looked in his suits, and that was saying something. I liked him like this. He stood relaxed, legs slightly braced, his thick thighs filling out the worndenim. He twisted to look for me and I caught sight of his stubbled chin, the dark shadow of his unshaven face highlighting his dark eyes.

I drank him in. I wanted that stubble to burn me. I could almost feel it. My eyes wandered back to find his, studying me back, his eyes crinkled. Knowing. I laughed.

I wondered what it felt like to know you were wanted like that. Sharp pain extinguished my laughter and the door opened.

Bea swung the door wide, beaming up at Zale. “How’s my favorite son-in-law?”

His mouth tipped up on one side in his signature half smile. “I’m your only son-in-law.”

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