Page 154 of Breathe Again

Radical acceptance: The relationship I have presently with my mother is not conducive to my healing. She will not change but I can. I can choose whether or not I’m willing to accept abuse that makes me less than my best self for the people who love and need me. I can make changes to take responsibility for my own mental health. This is a necessary step to create space to heal.

Necessary, but far from easy. I practiced my paced breathing to calm my skittering pulse.

“You awake?” Zale’s deep, mellow voice was husky in the morning.

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“I’m going to call my mother today. Tell her how I’m willing to communicate with her, and what I’m not willing to tolerate.” I paused, gnawing at my lower lip. “I’m nervous.”

He got up on one elbow and wrapped his hand around my nape. “You don’t have to do it yet. You can take another week, take advantage while I’m at home to man the phones.”

“I think I’d like to get it over with, and if there’s a fallout, I’d like it to happen while you’re at home.”

He nodded. “That makes sense. How do you want to do it? Should we discuss your boundaries before you call?”

We considered what I felt was most important and decided I’d call after breakfast, once we got Olivia settled and occupied. Though I was still a bag of nerves, having a plan, and knowing that I’d know soon one way or another how things would go, made me feel better.

Olivia was tired, which we expected after a busy weekend that included time spent with Rhys and Bex, so she nestled into the couch and watched a movie. Zale and I took our coffees through the sunroom and out to the back patio. We settled together in the chaise lounge, and I dialed her number.

“Hello?” she barked into the phone.

“Hi, Mom.”

Her silence screamed from her end of the line. I waited. She couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Well? Are you all right?” She asked impatiently.

“Better, thank you for asking.”

“I was worried about you, dear! Mara, you need to learn how to ask for help! How many times have I offered to take Olivia? Even as a young girl you were always sensitive, you’ve never handled stress terribly well. I remember when you’d get in trouble, you’d be so upset it would take hours for you to calm down. You need help, so I’ll take over with Olivia for a while until you can get on your feet. But, when you get back on your feet, you have to keep up with the routines I get her on…”

I took a slow, deep breath and spoke softly but firmly. “Right now, what I need from you, Mom, is space.”

I kept my voice even, but I was thankful that we were not face to face. My entire body trembled, and my fingers were icy. Only by keeping my jaw tight did I stop my teeth from chattering.

She gave the same old spiel, only this time I realized something. That upset she referred to was often caused by her, and then it was to her I’d go for comfort, unable to cope when she was angry or disappointed with me. Not much had changed.

Zale placed his hand firmly on my shaking thigh. I looked up to see his eyes wide in his handsome face. He reached for the phone, but I put my finger up in the universal ‘give me one minute’ sign.

“Space,” she mocked. “So, you’re still not talking to me?”

I took a deep breath. “Well, that kind of depends on you.”

She scoffed, “Me? I’m not the one who threw out the baby with the bathwater.”

“Hmm, well, here’s the thing. I’m willing to talk with you, so long as you keep it positive.”

She interrupted me, “What are you talking about? I’m the most positive person I know.”

“Okay, I’ll get specific. Don’t criticize me. Don’t criticize my friends. Don’t critique my parenting. Don’t talk to me about Willa.Don’t get mad when I can’t do things for you that you want me to do.”

She snorted. “When have I ever asked you or your sister for anything? You both abandoned me the same day I lost your father. I’m ashamed of the way you’ve treated me, it’s tantamount to… to… to elder abuse!”

“Okay, so this is a perfect example that I can use to tell you what happens next. I will be available via text if you want to communicate with me. If you are negative, like you are now, I won’t respond. If I talk to you on the phone and you speak to me like this I will end the phone call. If I see you in public and you treat me badly, I will walk away.”

“So, you’d take my grandchild away from me?”

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