Page 150 of Breathe Again

I was quiet, thinking, putting words to the feelings inside. “It’s not so much what I want from him, it’s more what I would like to see myself doing.”

Erin nodded for me to continue, and Zale watched me intently.

“For example, a few weeks ago a woman stopped him on his way to the bathroom.” I fidgeted with my bracelets, one from him, one from Bex, spinning them around my wrist. “I immediately started comparing myself to her and seeing her approach Zale was proof that he could have done better than me, and maybe he might realize that.”

Zale started to deny but Erin held up her finger. “I don’t think she’s finished.”

I acknowledged this with a nod and continued. “I feel sorry for him being stuck with me, and I know when other people see me, they also feel sorry for him. I’m ashamed of myself, and then I worry that he might feel sorry for himself. So, I turn away and hide. I would hide my whole body if I could, just drop into a black hole and disappear, when this happens.”

“How would you like to react instead?”

“I’d like to see it as a compliment to Zale and feel happy and secure that he’s mine. I’d like to feel confident, that even if the woman was model beautiful I could just smile at her, agree with her that he’s pretty,” Zale snorted in embarrassment, “and feel … smug …that he’s mine, that he wants to be mine.”

“Why can’t you?” Erin asked.

“You can!” Zale exclaimed.

They both spoke at once.

“Because the truth is that he could do better, and I think he must on some level know this, like anybody who looks at me knows this, and it makes me feel ashamed.”

“Shame is common in people with BPD. All of this is not going to be fixed in one afternoon, it’s going to take time for you to rebuild your sense of self and shed the shame. Going back to this particular situation, is there anything Zale could do to make it easier for you?”

“He could not act like he has to hide it... even though I know I made it impossible to act naturally for him, knowing I would freak out on him, when he gets nervous I feel like he has something to hide.”

“How would he act in a perfect situation?”

“It would not be a big deal.”

“Spell it out.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, with the woman at the bar, he would claim me, not avoid looking at me.”

“I did.” Zale interjected.

“What?”

“She asked me if I wanted to have a drink. I told her I was madly in love with my wife and carried on my way. It hardly ever happensbut I always say I’m married, I always dismiss, I never carry on a conversation, I always move away as quickly as possible.”

“Because you’re afraid of my reaction?”

He looked exasperated. “Because I’m not interested! It’s an annoying interruption in our evening, and, okay, I’m also afraid it will dampen your mood. But, baby, even if you were not there it would be the same reaction. I’m not interested, and it is an interruption. How about when that man asked you to have a drink with him?” His dark eyes glittered. “I guaran-damn-tee you he was more than a little interested. He looked me right in the eye and told me I was a lucky man. I know this, he knew it, too. The only one who doesn’t seem to know it is you. Further, did I hesitate to show up? Show him that you’re with me? No. Mostly because you looked upset,” he conceded. “But believe me when I tell you, I have no problem showing up and stating my claim. I feel confident of my place in your heart. Your heart is mine, my heart is yours.” He took a breath. “So, it may feel like a huge risk, to publicly claim me, to feel confident that I’m all about you, but in reality, the risk is all in your mind, because I. Am. Yours. Because I want to be yours.”

“I’m not nearly as beautiful as some of these women. And I’m chubby.”

“You’re perfect, Mara. Have you seen pictures of Rhys’s first wife?”

“Yes.”

“Should Bex be intimidated?”

Rhys’s first wife was a stunning, tall, thick, curvy hourglass with long legs, and long, sleek blond hair.

“Maybe?” I hesitated. “Bex is beautiful and slim, but if I were her, I think I would be intimidated.”

“Why?”

“Because Rhys obviously loved his first wife, and Bex is almost the polar opposite.”

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