Page 149 of Breathe Again

“Because it kills me what it does to you, how I’ve treated you in the past, how I still treat you sometimes!”

“Then let’s deal with that piece! And, baby, honest to God, it’s not as bad as you’ve made it out to be in your head! Let’s figure out what I can do, and let’s figure out what you can do. You can’t just expect yourself to do it alone.” He turned to Erin. “I know most of the work is on her side, and her responsibility.” Over-responsibility was one of the overriding themes we’d tackled in therapy so far, mostly due to my feelings of over-responsibility toward my mother, but also in terms of taking responsibility for my own happiness. “Surely there are things I can do to make it easier for her. To not trigger her?”

Erin shone her smile on us as we both turned to appeal to her.

“This is great. You guys are real fighters. You’re right Zale, there are triggers for Mara that you can avoid. And you’re right, too,Mara, other couples don’t have to avoid those triggers. However, they have their own stuff to deal with. There are couples dealing with addiction, cheating, falling out of love, problems with in-laws, cancer, debt, depression, OCD, differing religious beliefs, troubled children, grief, gambling, physical abuse, sick family members, I mean, I could go on, but you get the idea that every couple has their own challenges and their own set of strengths.”

“See!” Zale turned to me looking comically smug and we all laughed.

“So,” Erin continued, “your focus over the past year has been on the weaknesses or fault lines in your relationship. What are your strengths?”

Zale answered immediately, “We love each other.”

I reached for and held his hand firmly in mine.

“We’re committed to each other and our family,” I added.

Zale looked at me. “If you believe that, why are you so afraid of me leaving all the time?”

“I’m not afraid of you leaving.” He started to shake his head in disbelief, but I continued, “I’m not. I don’t believe you would ever leave. I’m afraid you wouldn’t want to stay. I’m afraid you would not want me, or love me, anymore. That you would, just, tolerate me!”

He looked at me. “That is just not going to happen, gorgeous. I promise you. Have I ever lied to you?”

“No,” I conceded, “you never have.”

We were at a standoff. Him, unwilling to concede the legitimacy of my worry, me unwilling or unable to believe the promise he offered.

Erin broke the silence. “Strengths I see include Mara’s ability to communicate exactly what’s going on inside her, both of you are fighters, your steadiness, Zale, keeps you both on track, and both of you are willing to make changes. Mara also has her sense of humor, you both respect the hell out of each other, you enjoy each other, and you’re both honest.”

We both nodded. “All this is true.”

“You’ve got tremendous strengths. Use them. Tell him what triggers you. Work out how to deal with those.”

“How do we do that?”

“It’s really up to Mara, Zale, to notice when she’s triggered, communicate that to you as calmly as she can, with you responding by moving in closer to her rather than away when she’s distressed. Most of the triggers you probably already know, you probably instinctively tense when the situation arises.”

“Can we talk about that a bit more?” he pushed.

This was important to him.

“Mara?”

Suddenly my lunch was not sitting quite as sedately as I’d like but I answered with a ‘yes’ anyway. This was where the burden of myanxiety lay, the effects on Zale, we may as well get it out into the light.

“If I could give an example, it would be when we go out. If we go out in the evening, say to a restaurant or a bar, where women are dressed to impress, including Mara I might add, she is incredibly uptight, which makes me nervous in case I inadvertently glance at another woman, or worse, if a woman talks to me.”

“When he says, ‘talks to me’ he means asks him to have a drink or dance, flirting.” I could feel the heat in my face, partly because even the thought of it caused me distress and partly from shame because it caused me distress.

“You are visibly distressed just thinking about it. Mara, what are the thoughts going through your head?”

“I’m going to sound so stupid.”

“Interesting that you should say that. Stupid because what you’re thinking is not really believable or stupid because you’re thinking them?”

“I’m worried you both will think I’m stupid for thinking them, and the insecurity they reveal makes me even more unattractive.”

“This is a mental obstacle to your moving forward. You don’t need to spill your thoughts in front of Zale, we all know there’s nothing he can say to dissuade you, but what is it you need from him during those times?”

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