Page 143 of Breathe Again

“She did better than I did.” He grabbed me back, then rolled on top of me. “If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for me.”

The spark was lit. I opened my legs, tilting my pelvis up to receive him and he dropped between my thighs with a groan, immediately rocking against the heat at my core, once, twice.

“Fuck, baby, we need to stop.”

His arms shook as he lifted himself off me. “I hope to God you’re still in this mood come bedtime.”

He stood up from the bed, adjusting himself while looking down at me, his expression dark and dangerous. “Don’t you dare get yourself off,” he warned. “You wait for me.”

I flushed a deep red. He looked at me pointedly until I nodded, and he was satisfied.

Longest. Day. Ever.

As it came closer to the time for Olivia to go to bed, my nerves began to fray. I had been jittery and on edge all day, unable to tear my thoughts away from what I hoped would happen that night, but he seemed just as sedate and unflappable as always. I wondered if he felt anything even close to what I was feeling under his composed exterior. The craving for him was intense. I felt empty and needed him to fill me. So much for thinking I could ever not need him.

I had the sudden realization that even the anticipation was entirely intolerable. The chance that it may not happen, the uncertainty itself, distressed me. The ability to detach, just a little, and take note of the distress I suffered when I didn’t know if we would have sex, made my anger when it didn’t happen so much more understandable.

I made a mental note to talk to Erin about that at our next appointment, or maybe I’d wait until Zale went back to work. I didn’t really want to talk about this in front of him.

I realized I was using one of the first skills I’d learned, it had an acronym, REST or STOP, I couldn’t remember, but it basically meant to step back, evaluate the situation to see what’s causing my distress, then proceed mindfully, using a distress coping tool to move through it. This new ability I had gained allowed me to understand that my wanting sex was a trigger for me. It was the uncertainty combined with the need; a need I wasn’t sure he would meet.

I’d managed to notice the distress and determine what was causing it. Now, I needed a plan to deal with it. Radical Acceptance? Self-Soothing? Distraction? Distraction worked at times, which was why I was often still reading at one o’clock in the morning. Radical Acceptance, what would that look like in this case? I grabbed my journal and started to work it out.

Zale’s sex drive is not as strong as mine, there will be times when I want sex and he doesn’t.

I feel rejected when I want sex and Zale doesn’t. I feel ugly and unwanted, and I am angry that he won’t show his love for me in this way I want him to.

That didn’t seem quite right. I tried again.

There will be times when I’m frustrated because I want sex and Zale doesn’t.

I am responsible for my own sexual health.

I laughed. I’ll tell him I’ve had that revelation and that he can’t tell me not to get myself off. I wondered what he’d think of that.

“What are you laughing about?” His eyes crinkled and his mouth was soft.

I snapped my journal closed, his eyebrows rose, and his mouth quirked up on one side.

“Ah, kind of makes me want to know more now.”

“I’ll tell you one day, maybe even soon.” I smiled to let him know it wasn’t a bad thing.

“You have a sneaky look on your face.” He smiled, so handsome. “I have a feeling whatever it is, it means trouble for me.”

I laughed. “Nothing you can’t handle.”

“Well, while you’ve been sitting here making your nefarious plans, I’ve gotten Olivia ready for bed. You need to go tuck her in.”

He reached out his hand and tucked my hair behind my ear. We had a good day. I smiled up at him, his chocolate eyes all melty on me.

“Come to bed, gorgeous. I’ve got nefarious plans for you, too.”

My smile widened and I ducked my head. He caught my chin and tilted my head back, his eyes wandering over my face.

“Don’t hide, baby, don’t hide your pleasure from me.”

My cheeks got hot, and I watched as he took that in, his pupils dilating.

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